Continuing Jokes Thread

[Mardoo]

Two entangled quarks walk into a bar. They order the same drink.

 

[Dave70]

Some U-235 walks into a bar and bumps into some free neutrons on their way out at a velocity of 8 meters per millisecond.
As a result, 50,000 people are instantly vaporized and hundreds of thousands more eventually succumb to radiation sickness.

 

[Kumamoto_Ken]

Gentleman walks into a bookshop and goes up to the counter, "I believe a new book has been published with hints and advice for men with very small penises, I'm interested in buying a copy".
The lady behind the counter is a bit taken aback, "ummm, I don't think it's in yet.."
"That's the one!" says the gent.

 

[GrumpyPaul]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson have solved another case. Afterwards, they celebrate with a few brandies at their Baker St. residence. Holmes, feeling the brandy, reaches over and puts his hand on Watson's knee.

"Watson, for some time I've wanted to tell you that I quite fancy you."
With a sense of relief Dr. Watson replies, "And I you, my good Holmes. I've simply never felt comfortable expressing my feelings without knowing where you stood on the matter."
"Right", says Holmes, "Let us retire to the bedroom then."
Watson rushes to the bedroom and strips to his shorts. Holmes pulls down Watson's underwear, bends him over the desk then tells him to hold that pose. Complying, Watson watches as Holmes leaves the bedroom and returns with a lemon meringue pie. He smears the pie across Watson's ass and proceeds to bugger him. Later they're lying in bed making small talk. Watson says, "That was fantastic Holmes, but I have to ask; what was all that with the pie?"
"Lemon-entry my dear Watson, lemon-entry."

 

[Airgead]

Schroedinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

 

[WarmerBeer]

The bartender asks "What can I get you?". A tachyon walks into a bar.

 

[Airgead]

I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

 

[michaeld16]

A photon checks into a hotel, the bellboy asks if he can help with the luggage, the photon replies "I don't have any I'm traveling light. "

 

[Airgead]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”.

 

[Ducatiboy stu]

Is Russell's Teapot

If a tree feel in a forest ( and killed the imaginary invisible pink unicorn ) and know one was there, would it of happened ?

 

[Dave70]

Is Russell's Teapot

If a tree feel in a forest ( and killed the imaginary invisible pink unicorn ) and know one was there, would it of happened ?

I believe it did happen because it gives me a seance of inner peace and kinship with my fellow sentient beings, this in turn shapes my entire worldview.
And if you don't agree or mock the unicorn or say there are other unicorns that died in other forests I'll kill you.

 

[Airgead]

I'm reading a great book about anti gravity. I can't put it down.

 

[Airgead]

Hey.. Do you know Pavlov?

Hummmmmm... Name rings a bell.

 

[mr_wibble]

I believe it did happen because it gives me a seance of inner peace and kinship with my fellow sentient beings, this in turn shapes my entire worldview.

It gives you a seance of inner peace?

Ouija that I could belive you.

 

[Dave70]

It gives you a seance of inner peace?

Ouija that I could belive you.

Creepy..
Is spell check trying to tell me something?

 

[Ducatiboy stu]

I believe it did happen because it gives me a seance of inner peace and kinship with my fellow sentient beings, this in turn shapes my entire worldview.
And if you don't agree or mock the unicorn or say there are other unicorns that died in other forests I'll kill you.

So your a believer then....







And hopefully not a belieber,,,,,

 

[Dave70]

Even a delusional homicidal maniac has standards you know.

 

[Trevandjo]

A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me potent."
The bloke reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard boxmarked with the label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you take this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" The man says, "Gimmie 3 boxes."
The next day the man walks into the same chemist right up to the same bloke and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, "Gimme a tube of Deep Heat." The chemist replies,"DEEP HEAT???" You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?" The man says, "No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up !!

 

[flave_7]

I was going to tell a chemistry joke but was afraid it wouldn't get a reaction!

 

[flave_7]

Walked up to a girl the other day, gave her a tonic water and asked her out.

She said yes. I guessed I Schwepped her off her feet!