technobabble66
Meat Popsicle
Not really :lol:Blind Dog said:
Continuing Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Bribie G
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wide eyed and legless
Well-Known Member
Started learning the Hokey Pokey today, don't want to learn all of it, just the 'ins and outs'
wide eyed and legless
Well-Known Member
I've been diagnosed with kleptomania if it gets to bad I take something for it.
Mardoo
Noob What Craps On A Bit
DU99
Well-Known Member
An Aussie truck driver walks into an outback cafe with a full grown emu.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, A hamburger, chips and a beer please, and turns to his pal. Ill have the same, says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. Thatll be $9.40 please. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day they return and the truckie orders a hamburger, chips and a beer, and the emu says, Ill have the same. Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. The usual? asks the waitress. No, its Friday night, so Ill have a steak, baked potato, salad and a martini, says the man. Same, says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, That will be $32.62. Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot contain her curiosity any longer.
Excuse me mate, but how do you manage to come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?
Well love, a few years ago I was cleaning out the back shed when I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.
Thats brilliant! says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but youll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live! Thats right. Whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount is always there.
The waitress asks him, So whats with the bloody emu?
The truckie sighs, pauses and answers, My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, A hamburger, chips and a beer please, and turns to his pal. Ill have the same, says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. Thatll be $9.40 please. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day they return and the truckie orders a hamburger, chips and a beer, and the emu says, Ill have the same. Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. The usual? asks the waitress. No, its Friday night, so Ill have a steak, baked potato, salad and a martini, says the man. Same, says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, That will be $32.62. Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot contain her curiosity any longer.
Excuse me mate, but how do you manage to come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?
Well love, a few years ago I was cleaning out the back shed when I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.
Thats brilliant! says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but youll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live! Thats right. Whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount is always there.
The waitress asks him, So whats with the bloody emu?
The truckie sighs, pauses and answers, My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.
Love this Japanese Doctor!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Dave70
Le roi est mort..
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Mardoo
Noob What Craps On A Bit
That was actually a sculpture installed on the street in a city I can't remember. Totally effed up many morning commutes. Except those so inclined, of course.
Ducatiboy stu
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I am so much wiser nowDave70 said:
DU99
Well-Known Member
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear.
Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"
The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."
"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old c*nt?"
She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation
Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"
The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."
"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old c*nt?"
She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation
DU99
Well-Known Member
An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the naval insignia stamped on every biscuit. He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command. The Chief replied "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia". Horrified the Admiral exclaims "That's very unhygienic!" The Chief shrugs and replies "Well, If that's the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the doughnuts."
wide eyed and legless
Well-Known Member
When I first met my wife I knew she was a keeper, could have been something to do with the big gloves she was wearing at the time.
Ducatiboy stu
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Old mate went into the Doctor for a checkup one day only to find that his normal doctor was on holidays
The receptionist told him that there was a female doctor covering for him whilst he was away
He decided that he would let the female doctor see him and sat in the waiting room
After about 15min this gorgeous hot blonde doctor comes out and calls his name
He followed her into the doctors room and took a seat
She then Asked " So what can I help you with "
To which he replied " Well, my wife reckons my penis tastes funny, so I am after a second opinion "
The receptionist told him that there was a female doctor covering for him whilst he was away
He decided that he would let the female doctor see him and sat in the waiting room
After about 15min this gorgeous hot blonde doctor comes out and calls his name
He followed her into the doctors room and took a seat
She then Asked " So what can I help you with "
To which he replied " Well, my wife reckons my penis tastes funny, so I am after a second opinion "
wide eyed and legless
Well-Known Member
What I didn't know was she is an expert at Yoga, a lithe and supple double jointed body comes in handy when playing hide the sausage, though I must admit I'm never sure where its been hiding but it always come back.Camo6 said:
DU99
Well-Known Member
A six-year-old girl goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandfather's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "when my mommy comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" says her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog, because my mommy says that as soon as you croak we're all going to Disney World!"
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandfather's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "when my mommy comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" says her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog, because my mommy says that as soon as you croak we're all going to Disney World!"
RobW
The Little Abbotsford Craftbrewery
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Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1.Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Previously, the Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners were:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4.esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Here are the winners:
1.Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Previously, the Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners were:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4.esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
