Continuing Jokes Thread
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Coodgee
Well-Known Member
That's the best one I've read for a whileTrevandjo said:A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me potent."
The bloke reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard boxmarked with the label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you take this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" The man says, "Gimmie 3 boxes."
The next day the man walks into the same chemist right up to the same bloke and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, "Gimme a tube of Deep Heat." The chemist replies,"DEEP HEAT???" You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?" The man says, "No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up !!
DU99
Well-Known Member
A Kentucky farmer of advanced years took a lovely young bride.
At first the marriage was very passionate and the couple made love frequently but one day the wife suddenly became disinterested in sex.
The old farmer shrugged it off as moodiness but after a few weeks of nearly no sex, he began to worry.
After another few months had passed, the farmer started suspecting foul play and that maybe his wife was fooling around.
So one day he left the tractors engine running out in the field and crept back to the house where he caught his wife and her young lover in the act.
While his wife and the young guy were scrambling for their clothes, the farmer fetched his shotgun and burst into the room.
The understandably hysterical young man pleaded for his life.
The farmer lowered the barrel and pointed toward the barn.
The farmer led the man at gunpoint out to the barn where he proceeded to secure the man's "unit" in a bench vice.
The farmer then welded the vice screw so it could not be loosened.
The farmer pulled out a gleaming sharp bowie knife.
The man was screaming now and begging the farmer not to cut of his manhood.
The farmer just smiled and handed the man the knife while he said "Oh, I'm not gonna cut it off...I'm just gonna set the barn on fire..."
At first the marriage was very passionate and the couple made love frequently but one day the wife suddenly became disinterested in sex.
The old farmer shrugged it off as moodiness but after a few weeks of nearly no sex, he began to worry.
After another few months had passed, the farmer started suspecting foul play and that maybe his wife was fooling around.
So one day he left the tractors engine running out in the field and crept back to the house where he caught his wife and her young lover in the act.
While his wife and the young guy were scrambling for their clothes, the farmer fetched his shotgun and burst into the room.
The understandably hysterical young man pleaded for his life.
The farmer lowered the barrel and pointed toward the barn.
The farmer led the man at gunpoint out to the barn where he proceeded to secure the man's "unit" in a bench vice.
The farmer then welded the vice screw so it could not be loosened.
The farmer pulled out a gleaming sharp bowie knife.
The man was screaming now and begging the farmer not to cut of his manhood.
The farmer just smiled and handed the man the knife while he said "Oh, I'm not gonna cut it off...I'm just gonna set the barn on fire..."
DU99
Well-Known Member
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times".
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish".
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old... I'm telling everybody!"
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times".
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish".
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old... I'm telling everybody!"
DU99
Well-Known Member
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water here, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only 25 pounds"
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you, I will help you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration and; gasped:
"They won't let me in without a F#!*@#g tie!"
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water here, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only 25 pounds"
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you, I will help you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration and; gasped:
"They won't let me in without a F#!*@#g tie!"
DU99
Well-Known Member
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice .
Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.
Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.
Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice .
Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.
Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.
Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
DU99
Well-Known Member
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey, she said "you received a very strange post card today".
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later" he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey, she said "you received a very strange post card today".
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later" he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce
DU99
Well-Known Member
Why a Christmas tree is better than a man?
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
DU99
Well-Known Member
It was Christmas time and the Postman's favourite time of the year.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who wished him a 'Merry Christmas' and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing hooks, and the folks at the fourth and fifth houses had clubbed together to present him a fishing rod.
At the sixth house he was met by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind (amongst other things) with the most passionate lovemaking he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast - eggs, bacon, sausages, fried bread, tomato, waffles and freshly-squeezed orange juice - the works.
When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night I asked my husband what we should give the postman for Christmas. He said 'F**k him, give him a dollar!' "Breakfast was my idea.."
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who wished him a 'Merry Christmas' and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing hooks, and the folks at the fourth and fifth houses had clubbed together to present him a fishing rod.
At the sixth house he was met by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind (amongst other things) with the most passionate lovemaking he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast - eggs, bacon, sausages, fried bread, tomato, waffles and freshly-squeezed orange juice - the works.
When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night I asked my husband what we should give the postman for Christmas. He said 'F**k him, give him a dollar!' "Breakfast was my idea.."
DU99
Well-Known Member
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer.
Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride.
Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.
Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on take-off!"
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer.
Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride.
Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.
Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on take-off!"
DU99
Well-Known Member
One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean?"
We have, work out Barbie for $19.95, shopping Barbie for $19.95, beach Barbie for $19.95, disco Barbie for $19.95, astronaut Barbie for $19.95, skater Barbie for $19.95, and divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's truck, Ken's house, Ken's fishing boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and
one
of Ken's testicles."
He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean?"
We have, work out Barbie for $19.95, shopping Barbie for $19.95, beach Barbie for $19.95, disco Barbie for $19.95, astronaut Barbie for $19.95, skater Barbie for $19.95, and divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's truck, Ken's house, Ken's fishing boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and
one
of Ken's testicles."
DU99
Well-Known Member
Why did the English wear red coats in battle?
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured an English colonel.
They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured an English colonel.
They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.
wide eyed and legless
Well-Known Member
Got rid of my vacuum cleaner today, it was just collecting dust.
seamad
beer dog
Q: What is the collective noun for a group of drug cheats?
A: A Hird.
A: A Hird.
TheWiggman
Haters' gonna hate
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.
Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.
Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
malt and barley blues
Well-Known Member
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My wife sent her picture to the Lonely Hearts Club, they sent it back saying the weren't that lonely.
