Continuing Jokes Thread

[Bribie G]

Ok I'll kick off with a couple.

Did you hear about the masochist who loved to take cold showers so he didn't.

..................................................................

Paddy and Seamus had missed the last bus and were walking home at midnight, when they passed the bus depot. A window was open so Paddy hopped in to steal a bus. After much banging and crashing Paddy came back out through the window.

"We're out of luck, Seamus, there wasn't a number 153 in there"








"Bloody Idiot Paddy you could have nicked a number 180 and we could have walked from the roundabout....."

 

[buttersd70]

A ham sandwich walked into a bar.
The barman looked at him and shouted...
"Get out......we don't serve food in here."

Ain't nothin' like an old joke.... :lol:

(looking frantically or the Lenny Henry song of the same name....)

 

[Jase71]

A baby seal walked into a club.........

 

[bradsbrew]

A baby seal walked into a club.........

Bloody Hell Jase, thats the first joke I thought of when I read the first post. Except I was going to do the " Two baby seals walk into a club, Boom Boom."

 

[buttersd70]

no, you're both wrong......

A baby seal walked into a bar, and asked for a Canadian Club on the rocks......

 

[Cocko]

A bear walks into a bar and says...

I'l have a umm....



ummm...





um....



A bourbon and coke.


The barman says: "Why the big pause?"



Note to self: That joke doesn't type so well...

 

[Tony M]

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

 

[Adamt]

Name this comic.


Three blokes walk into a pub. Well, I say three... could be four or five. Or ten, doesn't matter. Fifteen? Twenty? Fifty... let's round it up to a hundred. What about two-fifty? Double or nothing... five hundred. A thousand... madness! Five thousand... A small town in Hertfordshire walks into a pub! Fifteen thousand! Alright... the population of Rotterdam. The Hague. The whole of Northern Holland. No, mainland UK. Let's go all the way; Europe, alright? The whole of Europe goes into a pub... I say Europe, could be Eurasia... Alright, continents... North America! Plus South America. Plus Antarctica, but that's just eight blokes in a weather station... not a good example. Alright, let's make it simple. All the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? The first bloke goes up to the bar and says, "I'll get the first round."

What an idiot.

 

[MarkBastard]

An eskimos car breaks down, so he gets it towed to the nearest mechanic.

Mechanic: "Ah, here's your problem, you've blown a seal".
Eskimo (nervously): "Ah no, that's just snow in my beard".

 

[chappo1970]

Larry's in the hospital. Room 232



Ok, you are asking who in the hell is 'Larry'.
Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'
Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'
'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'
'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in disgust.
'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill Tattooed on his privates?'
Well...
One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.

Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital.

 

[muckey]

Did you hear about poor Paddy. He's got Alcoholic constipation - He cant pass a pub!

 

[buttersd70]

did you hear about the constipated accountant? To start with, he couldn't budget, but he finally worked it out with a pencil...

 

[.DJ.]

2 jumper leads walk in a bar...

Barman says "I'll serve ya... Just dont start anything!"

---------------------------

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

 

[jonocarroll]

A baby seal walked into a club.........

 

[jonocarroll]

A beer related joke;

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started".

And a non-beer related joke;

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that is how the new stimulus plan will work.

 

[muckey]

2 engineers were standing in the grounds of a university having a heated discussion about the best method of measuring the height of a flagpole.

While the 2 engineers are arguing, the groundsman comes along unbolts the flag pole, lays it down, takes out a tape measures and measures the pole, stands it back up and bolts it in place.

He then writes the measurement on a piece of paper and hands it to the engineers and walks away.

At this point 1 engineer turns to the other and says "typical tradie, we want the height and he gives us the length"

 

[Jase71]

I like the idea of a single thread joke post. Thanks Bribie.

 

[gregb]

A Kiwi, an Aussie and a Pom walk into a bar. Barman looks up and says: "This is some sort of joke, right?"

 

[Jase71]

I was about to write this out, but Google search makes it more coherent..... so this is a copy + paste
__________________________________________________________________________

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.

'Care to go upstairs and have a shag?' the husband asks.

`Sshhh ' said the bride. `All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper-thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, "Have you left the washing machine door open" instead?'

So the following night, the husband asks, `I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?'

'No, I definitely shut it,' replied the wife who rolled over and went to sleep.

When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little randy herself and she nudged her husband and said, `I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?'

'No thanks,' said the husband, 'it was only a small load and I've done it by hand.'

 

[AngelTearsOnMyTongue]

Whats Black and White and eats like a horse.....................


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A Zebra