Continuing Jokes Thread
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Jase71
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Q: How Many retarded Star Wars Fans who insist on speaking Yoda-Talk-because-they-think-it's-still-cool does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: There were no light bulbs on Dagobah.
jayse
Black Label Society
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Q: How many Zakk Wylde fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"
EDIT: I think this post was actually 666 for me
that made me laugh out loud for real!
whats the difference between a kit brewer and a brew software programm?
You only have to punch the info into the software once!
Jase71
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What's the difference between a human being & a Neanderthal ?
Human beings can express themselves without pointless (or spineless) threats of violence. :lol:
Jase71
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Cocko
Oh Dear..
[Back to the jokes]
How many Wolf Mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, Black Sabbath already changed it!!
How many Wolf Mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, Black Sabbath already changed it!!
buttersd70
Beerbelly's bitch :)
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How many microbiologists does it ake to change a lightbulb?
2.
One to change the bulb, and another one to claim that it's impossible to change the bulb without a PhD. He will then go on to state that retailers are trying to 'rip you off' due to the price of the bulbs, and will attempt to organise a bulk buy.......
2.
One to change the bulb, and another one to claim that it's impossible to change the bulb without a PhD. He will then go on to state that retailers are trying to 'rip you off' due to the price of the bulbs, and will attempt to organise a bulk buy.......
Supra-Jim
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One Monday morning a postman is riding through a Melbourne suburb delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Derek, the owner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'
The postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us,
with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women tries to guess who it is.'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Derek, the owner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'
The postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us,
with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women tries to guess who it is.'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'
raven19
Homer is God
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Why men should NOT write advice columns...
Dear Terry,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV.. I hadn't driven more than a mile
down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I
walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am
32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been
married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted
that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to
stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says
he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very
much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly
distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to
him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
------ -----
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses
on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps, Terry
Dear Terry,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV.. I hadn't driven more than a mile
down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I
walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am
32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been
married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted
that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to
stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says
he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very
much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly
distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to
him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
------ -----
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses
on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps, Terry
jonocarroll
uıɐbɐ ʞunɹp ɯ,ı
peas_and_corn
I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I cannot mash that
You're a subtle man, Butters.
jonocarroll
uıɐbɐ ʞunɹp ɯ,ı
Is it time for the bad jokes yet?
----------
Two sausages in a frying pan, one says to the other "Christ it's hot in here" The other sausage says "Ahhh, a talking sausage!"
----------
So a rabbit walks into a bar, hops up to the barman. Barman asks the rabbit "What can I get for you?" and the rabbit sees it's lunchtime and orders a toasted cheese sandwich. He goes off to his table and enjoys his lunch, waves goodbye to the barman and hops off.
Next day at lunch the rabbit comes back, remembering how good the food was. Barman asks "Toasted cheese sandwich again?" but the rabbit says "I think today I'll have some ham on it, please". He gobbles down his cheese and ham toastie and hops off.
Next day he's back again, only instead of a cheese and ham today he orders cheese and pickle, gulps it down, waves goodbye and hops off.
At the end of the week the rabbit comes back again, and he's clearly in a bad way. His fur's falling out in clumps, he's mostly blind and he can barely hop up to the barstool he's so sick. "Holy s**t!", says the barman, "what the hell happened to you?" The rabbit looks at the barman with his glazed-over eyes and coughs. "I think I must have mixed my toasties..."
----------
I don't care if it's not time for bad jokes, here's one anyway...
----------
Peter gets shipwrecked.
When he wakes up, he's on a beach.
The sand is purple. He can't believe it.
The sky is purple.
He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees.
He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too.
"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"
----------
Two sausages in a frying pan, one says to the other "Christ it's hot in here" The other sausage says "Ahhh, a talking sausage!"
----------
So a rabbit walks into a bar, hops up to the barman. Barman asks the rabbit "What can I get for you?" and the rabbit sees it's lunchtime and orders a toasted cheese sandwich. He goes off to his table and enjoys his lunch, waves goodbye to the barman and hops off.
Next day at lunch the rabbit comes back, remembering how good the food was. Barman asks "Toasted cheese sandwich again?" but the rabbit says "I think today I'll have some ham on it, please". He gobbles down his cheese and ham toastie and hops off.
Next day he's back again, only instead of a cheese and ham today he orders cheese and pickle, gulps it down, waves goodbye and hops off.
At the end of the week the rabbit comes back again, and he's clearly in a bad way. His fur's falling out in clumps, he's mostly blind and he can barely hop up to the barstool he's so sick. "Holy s**t!", says the barman, "what the hell happened to you?" The rabbit looks at the barman with his glazed-over eyes and coughs. "I think I must have mixed my toasties..."
----------
I don't care if it's not time for bad jokes, here's one anyway...
----------
Peter gets shipwrecked.
When he wakes up, he's on a beach.
The sand is purple. He can't believe it.
The sky is purple.
He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees.
He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too.
"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"
