Continuing Jokes Thread

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A piece of rope walks into a bar (don't ask me how long it was, the rope I mean, not the bar). The bartender yells out "Oi, out ya get! We don't serve pieces of rope in here." So the piece of rope turns around and leaves. Once outside, he bends himself around into a bit of loop, feeds one end through and tightens up a bit, then untwists a heap of strands. When he's happy he heads back into the bar. Straight away the bartender is onto him - "Hey, you're that piece of rope I just kicked out of here aren't you?" The rope replies, "No, I'm afraid not........"

(a frayed knot...........get it?)
 
A duck is standing by the side of a busy road waiting to cross.

A chicken walks past and says " I wouldn't bother mate. You'll never hear the end of it!"
 
If you want an old one, heres a real old one....29 years old, as it happens........gotta love mad magazine....
Raven will (maybe, if he's old enough) see the humour in this....

The Reagan (with apologies to Edgar Alan Poe).....




Once upon a cold November, back in `80, you'll remember,

Came to pass a great election, with a wondrous change in store;

By a landslide, one was winning, promising a new beginning;

Tall and proud, he stood there, grinning, like so many times before;

Who was he, this cool one, grinning, like so many times before?

'Twas The Reagan, nothing more.



Once he was inaugurated, Reaganomics he created,

Promising a balanced budget, like we had in days of yore;

"Though," he said, "our debt is growing, and a bundle we are owing,

"I'll cut taxes, 'cause I'm knowing this will save us bucks galore;"

"Please explain," a newsman asked, "how will this save us bucks galore?"

Quoth The Reagan, "Less is more."



Pushing for defense, he pleaded, brand-new missiles would be needed:

"That's the only way," he said, "to keep the country out of war;"

"True," he said, "they're not required, and they're not meant to be fired;

"In five years they'll be retired--still we must build hundreds more;"

"Tell us why," a newsman asked, "we must be building hundreds more?"

Quoth The Reagan, "Jobs galore."



Was he real or from a movie? "Make my day" sure sounded groovy,

Standing up to Congress or the rebels in El Salvador;

Flicks like "Rambo" he promoted (sev'ral times, it should be noted);

Once John Wayne he even quoted, when Kaddafi threatened war;

"Does this mean," a newsman asked, "we're heading toward a Mid-East war?"

Quoth The Reagan, "Hit the shore."



During times he wasn't dozing, many plans he was proposing,

Dealing with the deficit, which he no longer could ignore;

"Cuts," he said, "I'm recommending, pending our ascending spending,

"With attending trends suspending, then extending as before."

"Does this mean," a newsman asked, "a balanced budget like before?"

Quoth The Reagan, "Nevermore!"







Political humour at it's best.....
 
I read that with the voice that read The Raven in The Simpsons episode (best Halloween segment ever...)
 
Paddy applies for a job with the local farrier.
" Paddy, have you had any experience shoeing horses?"
"No" says Paddy, "but I once told a donkey to feck off!"
 
Butters - being 30 yrs of age I just snuck in, but I would not have appreciated it until 20 odd years later.... but I like it nonetheless.... (note to self - change signature to quothe the Reagan!), anyway, another joke....


A woman had lunch with 2 of her unmarried friends. One is engaged however, the other is a mistress, and of course the first married for 10+ years.

They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their
partners by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over
their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He
saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you' and we made
love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I
was wearing the leather bodice and heels under a raincoat and the mask over
my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a
word, but we had wild s ex all night.

Married woman: When my husband came home I was wearing the
leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask
over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Batman?"
 
okay will do my best


:icon_offtopic: A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Hey, why the long face?"
 
:icon_offtopic:
A woman walks into a bar with a cat under her arm...the barman says "we dont serve dogs here", the woman replies "it's not a dog". Bartender "was i talking to you?"
 
A grasshopper walks into a bar and plonks himself down on the barstool.

Barkeeper pipes up and says;

"Hey, we've got a drink named after you"

To which the grasshopper replies;

"What! A drink named Kevin?... Interesting!"

boom boom.

Warren -
 
Fortune Cookie Say...

-- Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead to undoing of fly.

-- Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone.

-- Man who run in front of car get tired.

-- Man who run behind car get exhausted.

-- Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

-- Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

-- Man with one chopstick go hungry.

-- Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.

-- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

-- Baseball is wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk.

-- War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left.

-- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Cheers,

microbe
 
Fortune Cookie Say...

-- War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left.

That is an old Bertrand Russell quote

War doesn't determine who is right, only who is left.
 
Gotta have a Warnie joke...

When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their years of marriage, Simone had never looked.

However, recently, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."!!!!
 
A man had great tickets for the footy Grand Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

No", he says. "The seat is empty".

"That is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Grand Final - the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
 
This is my favourite old rodney rude joke....

rodney was on his way home after a night on the drink. He's hungry so he stops off at a burger joint. He says "I'll have two hamburgers and a hot dog". The girl behind the counter starts making the hamburgers. When she's done the burgers she puts one under each armpit. Rodney says " why did you put my hamburgers under your armpits?". And the girl says "To keep them warm". And rodney says "well..........




>>>










Forget about the Hot-Dog!!"
 
This is not quite deserving of it's own thread, but it made me chuckle.....

I've been doing some research on 20L plastic jerry cans this morning, came across a few suppliers and thought I'd check to see where some of the stores were.....

Was a little confused about this one....(scroll down, you'll see it)
 
How do you make a kilo of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it!

he he he
 
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco reel and 5-kg test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this Week for $44.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, That sounds like a Visa card,says the salesman.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The salesman rings up the sale and says,'That'll be $58.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

'Didn't You tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50?'

'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'
 
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.


One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,' Grandma said, and she proceeded to the end of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'

Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'

The policeman fainted.
 

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