Continuing Jokes Thread

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ALL PUNS INTENDED....


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you ?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
 
Ha Ha, kids are awesome like that. I can't even leave my beer on the table anymore cause my 2YO always wants to "sheers" me. He also says "" Daddy beer, Mummy Juice"

LOL, I've got an almost 2yo who does the same. Even better at a BBQ, she will go around picking up other peoples beers and when questioned respond 'Dadda's bink (drink)'

Now that i'm done boasting about my parenting skills, back to the funnies!!

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her Father cussed her.

'Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a
prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish.
I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat,
title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For my little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club......(takes a
breath)
............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve
on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'



:icon_cheers: SJ
 
Recently I bought a new Lexus 350 but I had to return it to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The car salesman explained that the radio was voice activated and demonstrated this brilliant feature.

"Nelson," the salesman called to the radio.

The radio then responded "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he called back and immediately the radio burst into song "On the Road Again".

Then the salesman calls "Ray Charles," and in an instant " Georgia on My Mind" immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song.

I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon.

Then I would say "Beatles," and I would hear a multitude of those great awesome songs from the 60-80's.

It was fun and even my girlfriend got into it too.

"Billy Joel" and up came 'The Piano Man"
"Rolling Stones" and up came "Jumpin Jack Flash" plus many other great Stone's hits.

But yesterday, I had the best experience of all.

A couple tried to run a red light and I nearly crashed my new car, but luckily I managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting them.

I immediately yelled in anger, " F*ckin Arse Holes!"

Guess what !!

Immediately up came the song "Good old Collingwood Forever

* Damn it, I just LOVE this new car!*
 
Tree Hugger



A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass , OR . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'
 
Ha Ha, kids are awesome like that. I can't even leave my beer on the table anymore cause my 2YO always wants to "sheers" me. He also says "" Daddy beer, Mummy Juice"


What with all the Govt ads about our children watching our drinking, its not supposed to be funny, but when asked what he has in his spill proof cup, my 3 YO says, "It my beer!"
 
What with all the Govt ads about our children watching our drinking, its not supposed to be funny, but when asked what he has in his spill proof cup, my 3 YO says, "It my beer!"


I know what you mean - it's not supposed to be funny.... but.... my uncle was having a homebrew of mine the other day and my 10 year-old daughter walks in and asked if she could have a sip. Uncle patronisingly asks "and what do you think of daddy's homebrew?" to which she replied "well I don't mind his American amber ale but I prefer a Belgian wit or his robust porter". Uncle's jaw drops to the floor. I kid you not. <_<

And Chris White would be impressed with her knowledge of beer yeast propogation!

- Snow
 
Father of the Year nomination for Snow?

:icon_cheers: SJ
 
THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that.

Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?
 
Extreme sheep herding:

got me going for a while there :lol:

 
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Three old ladies sitting at dinner, discussing their health.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
 
Check out this wii for the girls

 
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Since its Easter----- Jesus and Moses were strolling along the beach the other day and Jesus said to Moses " Do you think you can still part the ocean?"
Moses said he'd give it a try and held out his staff and sure enough, the ocean rolled aside leaving a dry sandy bed.
Moses said to Jesus "Do you think you can still walk on water?" and Jesus said he'd give it a try.
He took about a dozen steps out to sea then began to sink. He struggled back to shore, flopped down on the beach and said "Bugger it, I just haven't been able to manage that trick since I got those holes in my feet!!"
 
<H2 style="MARGIN: auto 0cm">These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!</H2>1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village some where of an 'idiot'.

5. Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell..

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child, beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead



<H2 style="MARGIN: auto 0cm">These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country.</H2>13. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

14. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile."

15. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

16. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

17. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

18. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

19. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

20. "Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

21. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

22. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

23. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven .."

24. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

25. "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

26. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

27. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.

AND THE WINNER IS....

28. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
 
door_knocker.JPG
 
Priest's Retirement Dinner

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. As the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late
 
A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, .......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. ............'Get your own f.ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, .....................he farted.

The End
 
This is my favourite joke...

A man walks into a bar in London and asks the bartender for a Pint of Rat... The bar tender goes down to the cellar with a club and hits the rat over the head and puts him in a pint glass. The man takes a sip and say's "wow this is the best pint of rat I have ever had" So he returns night after night for his pint of rat.

One day the man comes running in, he is off to the theatre so he asks for a half... So the bar tender a little confused goes down to the cellar with a knife and puts half the rat in the glass. Takes it back to the man at the bar. The man takes a sip and spits it out all over the bar... The bartender asks him "you didnt like" The man replied "That was crap it had no head on it"

boom boom....
 
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