Continuing Jokes Thread

[Zwickel]

before I was married, I didnt know what happiness is...
now its too late...

 

[raven19]

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his *****.

A woman asks, 'What are you?'
He says, 'I'm a Fireman' ???

'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman
'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'

 

[jonocarroll]

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his *****.

A man shows up to a fancy dress party completely naked, carrying a woman on his back.

The host asks - "what are you supposed to be?"

"I'm a turtle."

"Well who's that on your back then?"

"... That's Michelle." (say it out loud).

 

[raven19]

A man shows up to a fancy dress party completely naked, carrying a woman on his back.

Two men show up to a 'dress up as an emotion' party completely naked except one has his ***** in a pear, the other has his ***** in a bowl of custard.

'And what are you two suppose to be?' enquires the host at the front door...

'Well,' says the first man 'Im f**kin disgusted', and the other say 'Im deep in dis-pair!'

 

[antains]

... a glass jar on his *****.

... his ***** in a pear, ... his ***** in a bowl of custard.

Is it a big book of ***** jokes you use?
Or do fancy dress jokes involve a lot of nudity?

Actually, come to think of it, Rodney Rude had a joke along those lines.

A bald bloke turns up at a fancy dress party wearing a pink skivvy.

"what are you supposed to be?" asks the host.

"A circumcision."

 

[jonocarroll]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy-dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy-dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is a terrible idea because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about our previous suggestion - please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head, so he writes the company a really rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ar$e and go as a toffee apple."

 

[jonocarroll]

before I was married, I didnt know what happiness is...
now its too late...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks upfrom is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' "I remember that, too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today.

 

[petesbrew]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy-dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy-dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is a terrible idea because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about our previous suggestion - please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head, so he writes the company a really rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ar$e and go as a toffee apple."

i just choked on my lunch. :lol:

 

[raven19]

PRESS RELEASE:

RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE

Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car.
They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for the new zippy little car,

The Clitaurus.


The car comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash.

 

[antains]

PRESS RELEASE:

RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE

Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car.
They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for the new zippy little car,

The Clitaurus.


The car comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash.

Will I be able to find it in a car park? :lol:

 

[raven19]

Ponderisms



I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.



Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant..



The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.



Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.



There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.



Life is sexually transmitted.


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.



Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.



Have you noticed since everyone has a cell that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?



Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.



All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.



In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.



How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?



Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"



Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.



If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?



Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?



Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?



Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

 

[raven19]

Political Correctness


Sometimes you are encouraged about our country's future when you see
something like this. Specifically, there is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term:

This year's term was "Political Correctness."



The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

R. J. Wiedemann LtCol. USMC Ret

 

[antains]

I just found out my 4-year-old niece has a gambling problem.


She's too young.

 

[raven19]

THE BATHTUB TEST
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, How do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer
a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her
to
empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

 

[warra48]

For those of us who are golf nuts:

I am writing the next book on golf.

Highlights include;

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 16 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever

 

[raven19]

Donald Duck and daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have s*x with Daisy.


The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have s*x.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.


'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked, I'll suffocate

 

[bum]

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

[raven19]

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.



He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.



In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'



'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'



'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'



'But, where did you get the tools?'



'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired i t to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'



The guy is stunned.



'Let's row over to my place,' she says.



After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.



As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'



'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'



'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'



Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'



No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.



'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.



'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'



She stares into his eyes ...





He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....





Dont tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

 

[AngelTearsOnMyTongue]

Fact...

Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy!!

 

[glaab]

Whats the difference between a BMW and a pile of half eaten dead babies?



V


V


V

There's no BMW in my garage!