Continuing Jokes Thread

[raven19]

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

 

[glaab]

there once was a vampire called mabel,
whose periods were getting unstable,
when she saw a full moon, she got out a spoon,
and drunk herself under the table!

 

[raven19]

URGENT - check the symptoms for swine flu

list of the symptoms for swine flu.. :


In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family
may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the
symptoms associated with this disease.

1) Sore throat
2) Slight headache
3) Moderate to high temperature
4) Nausea or upset stomach
5) An uncontrollable urge to have sex in the mud

 

[raven19]

Wives...

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?

Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same

thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous

 

[Zwickel]

An Englishman wanted to become a New Zealander, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be a Kiwi and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out".

The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

:lol:

 

[glaab]

A 'heads up' warning for all men who may be regular Bunnings Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, & 24th 29th.

Also May 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Cunno's has wallets on sale $2.99 each

 

[raven19]

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them .

Mum said . YOU should say "no" - they only want to look at your knickers

Susie said I know they do "that's why I hide them in my bag"!!

 

[raven19]

Husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a crate of Tooheys and sticks them into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

'They're on special, only $30 for 24 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on Shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and sticks It into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says

The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF TOOHEYS AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE'

 

[raven19]

Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs,

they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.



"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"



Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf

nuns in Rome?"



The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment

and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."



In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.



Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.



Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all

of Europe?"



The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,

"No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.



"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.



Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry

glare.



Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns

anywhere in the world?"



The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my

son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."



The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,

pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin

chanting......

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

 

[brettprevans]

Here's a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar 'pay' she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'

The little girl replied, 'I will if those ars*holes at Bunnings ever deliver the f*cking Gyprock...'


Now substitute the construction workers for brewers and bunnings for a LHBS.
little girl replies: 'I will if those ars*holes at the LHBS ever deliver the f*cking grain and yeast'.

 

[raven19]

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches...

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We
need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length.'

 

[warra48]

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."

Pig says: "big deal, I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself."

 

[staggalee]

http://www.mp3.com.au/Track.asp?id=10231

stagga.

 

[joshlangmaid]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's
like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.'

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with
her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth
in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first
with both hands, th en an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open

 

[Zwickel]

I try to translate....

a man said to hes wife: bet youre not able to make me happy and sad at the same time with only one sentence

immediately she responded: you have the biggest Willy within the whole neighborhood :icon_chickcheers:

 

[raven19]

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college

graduation.



Apparently someone slipped something into their drinks, and they woke

up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though

none of them can remember what they did the night before.



The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she

has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Trinity Bible College

and believe in the Almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the

innocent. They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately

fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.



The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words..

I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power

of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent. They throw the switch

and again nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees,

beg for forgiveness and release her.



The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, Well, Im

from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical

Engineering, an Ill tell ya right now, yall aint gonna electrocute nobody if dont

plug this thing in.

 

[raven19]

RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE



Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car.



They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for a new



zippy little car which is called the "Clitaurus".



The car comes with a pink interior and fur on the bumpers.



Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.





It's recommended as a woman's car as many men may not be able to find it, especially in the dark.

 

[antains]

RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE



Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car.



They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for a new



zippy little car which is called the "Clitaurus".



The car comes with a pink interior and fur on the bumpers.



Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.





It's recommended as a woman's car as many men may not be able to find it, especially in the dark.

I approve of the improvements, but you told that one already <_<

 

[raven19]

Whoops! Good memory, I have posted a few on this thread... didnt mean to repeat it!

 

[Snow]

I approve of the improvements, but you told that one already <_<

......I can't find it! :lol:

Cheers - Snow