Continuing Jokes Thread

[Ivan Other One]

Q; Which food lowers a womans sex drive by about 90%?

A; Wedding cake.

 

[Cocko]

On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra Kevvy is being chauffeured to Parliament House.
It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin is frozen over.
As he jumps out of the limo Kev looks over the lake and notices that someone has "peed" on the ice and left the message........."KEVVY SUCKS".

Kevvy is enraged and orders ASIO to investigate with "no expense spared" and to report within two weeks.

Two weeks later the head of ASIO reports to the PM and says ......"our investigation is over and I have three pieces of news for you... good news, bad news and terribly bad shocking news".

Well says Kevvy give me the good news. The head of ASIO says......"We spent $5 million dollars on the investigation and have come to a successful result."

Well says Kev what's the bad news ?

The head of ASIO says "The DNA testing shows that the urine is Wayne Swann's". Kevvy is shocked beyond belief. Looking pale, Kevvy says "and what is the terribly bad shocking news?"

The ASIO chief replies..." It's Julia Gillard's hand writing".

 

[jonocarroll]

The ASIO chief replies..." It's Julia Gillard's hand writing".

I believe that's the joke that got Kochie in hot water, albeit with the names updated. I have a feeling that joke existed with Clinton's name also.

Slightly less funny without Therese's name I guess.

 

[peas_and_corn]

Nothing Koshie has ever said has been funny.


...well actually, I think he once claimed to actually know something.

 

[spog]

Nothing Koshie has ever said has been funny.


...well actually, I think he once claimed to actually know something.

+1

 

[jonocarroll]

Nothing Koshie has ever said has been funny.


...well actually, I think he once claimed to actually know something.

I never claimed it was.

Actually, his on-air labelling of his co-host as an alcoholic day-in, day-out is rather funny, if for no other reason but the fact that the co-host has a plastered on smile 100% of the time, and has to sit still and take it.

(caveat: I haven't watched this show in years, perhaps he isn't as blatant as this anymore?)

On a lighter note:

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A woman stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum ."

 

[Phoney]

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Bunnings customers. Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping. Simply going out to get hardware supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their cleavage almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Bunnings. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this next weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

 

[Ivan Other One]

Archiologists have discovered that there were gay and lesbien dinosours,,,

The Meggasorass and the Lickaloto'puss!!

 

[mika]

Dinosours more bitter than your regular Dinosaurs ? :huh:

 

[bum]

You'd be bitter too if your name was so blatantly homophobic.

 

[Renegade]

....athough it should be noted that the earliest forms of proto-English language were likely an expansion of a Germanic 6th century language (or earlier, but not by much). Therefore the dinosaur age (200+ million years ago) would have observed no such personal complex as to the modern-English homosexual connotation.

 

[bum]

Homophobia has nothing to do with homosexuals. Therefore my point stands (and I have bicycles on my feet).

 

[Renegade]

Due for extinction, or just quietly circling the barren plain ?

I've never met a man with bicycles on his feet before.

 

[raven19]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

[raven19]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

forgot?

_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in

voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different

attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now, whose death do you suppose terminated it?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on

dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you

like to rephrase that?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table,

wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for

a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing law.

 

[peas_and_corn]

Some of those answers are slightly different from other emails with those questions in them.

 

[raven19]

Some of those answers are slightly different from other emails with those questions in them.

I just pass it on for others to enjoy, I take no responsibility... I just hope its not repeated by me or others from an earlier post?

If so whoops again...

 

[razz]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, 'Mary. Mary.'
'Is that you, Fred?'
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
'What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.'
'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'

'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Mildura.'

 

[Katherine]

What has 16 legs and 14 balls and whistles through the forrest?????





















Snow White and the 7 dwarfs

 

[antains]

There are 10 types of people in the world.


Those who understand binary and those who don't.