Continuing Jokes Thread
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Cocko
Oh Dear..
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought 250 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent 17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.
"Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece.
Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there.
And she doesn't even have a *****!"
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought 250 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent 17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.
"Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece.
Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there.
And she doesn't even have a *****!"
lydiaraven
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Hiya, this seems rather fitting as a first post, so here ya go:
What's the definition of gross?
.... A guy waking up with a lump in his throat...... and it has a string attached....
Bwahahahahaha!
LydiaRaven :super:
What's the definition of gross?
.... A guy waking up with a lump in his throat...... and it has a string attached....
Bwahahahahaha!
LydiaRaven :super:
Cocko
Oh Dear..
lydiaraven
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hee hee
raven19
Homer is God
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A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine...
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes..'
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine...
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes..'
raven19
Homer is God
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The Wisdom of An Older Man
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
"Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"
"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with t*ts like yours , she seems to appear out of nowhere."
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
"Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"
"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with t*ts like yours , she seems to appear out of nowhere."
brettprevans
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what did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
hold onto your nuts this is going to be one hell of a ********!
hold onto your nuts this is going to be one hell of a ********!
brettprevans
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Last edited by a moderator:
peas_and_corn
I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I cannot mash that
Is that from the new sketch show? If so, then it's clearly as crap as I feared.
brettprevans
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no idea. got send the link. skit shows are dead. they are terrible now a days. ast funny skits was Chopper send ups. but then that got old also.
Ivan Other One
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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a crap."
I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a crap."
raven19
Homer is God
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A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation rose to their feet and said, 'Amen'.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation rose to their feet and said, 'Amen'.
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This ones dedicated to all the girls on AHB! (no offence)
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be the best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your career!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be the best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your career!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
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I thought that one would make you laugh Katie.
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
raven19
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The Blondes Password
Ever wonder how blondes remember their passwords?
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the
following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8
characters long.
Ever wonder how blondes remember their passwords?
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the
following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8
characters long.
Ivan Other One
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The Maid
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The Zimbabwean maid asked for a pay increase.
The lady of the house was very upset about this and decided to talk to her
about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Mary, why do you want a pay increase?
Mary: 'Well, Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Mary: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Mary: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Mary: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Mary: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Mary: 'No Madam,...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
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The Zimbabwean maid asked for a pay increase.
The lady of the house was very upset about this and decided to talk to her
about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Mary, why do you want a pay increase?
Mary: 'Well, Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Mary: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Mary: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Mary: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Mary: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Mary: 'No Madam,...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
