The Encyclopaedia Of Collingwood Jokes!

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Firstly I barrack for Collingwood but they're funny anyway.

Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
Centrelink was on the other side

How do you inflict 12 months of acute pain on a Pies supporter?
Buy them a membership for Christmas!

What do u say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
I'll have fries with that thanks

2 Collingwood Supporters in a car without any music, who is driving?
The Policeman

What do you call a 30 yr old woman in a Collingwood jumper?

You are trapped in a room with a crocodile, a tiger and a Collingwood fan. You have a gun with 2 bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the Collingwood fan Twice

You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:
1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.'
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: 'Carn the Maggies .'
10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.
11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
15. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk.
16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.

What do Collingwood supporters use as protection during sex?
The bus shelter

If you're driving along and you see a Collingwood supporter riding a bike why shouldn't you run him over?
It could be your bike.

Two kids were having a kick in the car park outside the MCG just before a big Carlton and Essendon match. As they were playing a dog came running across and attacked one the of the little kids. The dog was on top of the kids scratching and biting him so his mate who he was having a kick with pick up a stick and started to bash the dog with. Well in the end he belted the dog so hard he actually killed.
A news reporter witnessed this event and came rushing over for an interview. She said to the boy " that was great you just saved your best mates life, this could make a great story."
So the lady started think of headline....
"Carlton Supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack". No said the boy I am not a Carlton supporter.
"Essendon supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack". No said the boy I am not an Essendon supporter either. So the lady asked who he barracked for and he said Collingwood.
The next days headlines where " Low Life Mongrel Maims Family Dog"

Three women with footy-fan husbands are discussing their relationships.
The first says, "My husband follows the Lions and let me tell you our sex life is like one premiership after another."
The second says, "My husband is a Crows man and every night is like the back-to-back victories of 1997 and '98."
They then look at their friend, who hasn't yet said a thing.
"What's wrong," they say as their friend starts sobbing. "Well," she says hesitantly, "my husband supports Collingwood, and all he does is sit on the end of the bed and tell me how wonderful it's going to be."

Why do Collingwood fans stink?
So blind people can hate them, too.

What's got 100 legs and 4 teeth?
The front row of the Collingwood cheer squad.

What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a Collingwood shirt to bed?
You ain't going to score.

A Collingwood couple gets married and are on their honeymoon.
The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father, who comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

A Collingwood supporter went down to Centrelink to claim welfare after realising she was the only one of her friends - (who were all Collingwood supporters) - who was not on benefits.
"How many children do you have?" the man at Centrelink asked.
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?"
"Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn and Jaidyn," she replied.
"They're all named Jaidyn?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'Jaidyn,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'Jaidyn, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name."

How many Collingwood fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven - one to change it, five to moan about it and make
excuses and Mick Malthouse to say that if the umpire had done
his job in the first place the light bulb would never have
gone out

A truck driver is driving down the highway when he sees a priest hitch-hiking. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings about giving him a ride as usually when the driver sees a Collingwood supporter on the road he runs them over. But with a priest in the truck, he wouldn't be able to carry out his favorite pastime.
But being a good bloke, the truck driver decides to pick up the priest and forgo his fun for this one trip.
Just after the priest jumps into the cab they come across a Collingwood supporter hitchhiking.
The diver decides to swerve to avoid the Collingwood supporter but hears a huge "BOOM!"
The driver looks over at the priest, who says, "Don't worry - I got him with the door

What's the difference between a cactus and the Lexus Centre?
A cactus has pricks on the outside

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "150", and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming, factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool.", and decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
"About a 100," the man responds.
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, the Bathurst 1000, cricket, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and the like.
Really impressed, the man leaves then walks in again.
"What's your IQ?" the robot asks.
"Er, 50, I think."
And the robot responds, very, very slowly, "So, I expect you'll be following Collingwood again this year?"

What do you do for a drowning Collingwood player?
Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.

Why did Cinderella run away from the ball?
Because she played for Collingwood.

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
What their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
However, Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father ..
Billy responded: "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes
off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is
really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let
them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly sent the other children outside with some work and
took little Billy aside to ask him if what he'd said was really true.
"No" said Billy ,"He plays AFL football for the Collingwood Football
Club but I was just too embarrassed to say ..."

Joffa took his 8 year old son to a Pies Game. At half time, an opposition supporter called one of the Pies cheersquad a transvestite, prompting Joffa's son to ask him 'dad, what's a transvestite?', to which Joffa replied, 'Go ask your mum, he'll know'.

What do you call a group of Collingwood supporters running off in the same direction?

What is the difference between a Pizza and a Collingwood supporter?
Pizza can feed a family of four.

A group of Collingwood supporters are standing on their tip toes up to their necks in water What is the problem?
Not enough water.

How do you know if your house has been robbed by a Collingwood supporter?
Your bins are empty and your dogs pregnant.

What do you call a Collingwood supporter with half a brain?

A Collingwood Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says
"I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

Another Collingwood girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

A Collingwood girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

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