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Who Is An Engineer...

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DarrenTheDrunk

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I get far too many of these type of posts per day but on the off chance there are some Engineers on the forum...I could not resist

Understanding Engineers 1



Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get the great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."



The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."


Understanding Engineers 2


To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers 3


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers 4


What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers 5


The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?


Understanding Engineers 6


Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it isn't sufficiently complex yet.


Understanding Engineers 7


An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's cool."


And Finally


Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Parliament.

 

Engibeer

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One of my former direct reports, a Geotechnical Engineer (I'm a Mining Engineer) would say the darnedest things.

Including:

"On the Mohr's scale of hardness, how crispy was the bacon?"

"How can anyone remember 500 people? I can't even remember all of the elements in the periodic table, and there's less than 500 in that."

"Jam has a good cohesion but low UCS"

I feel like all of these are suitable punchlines to jokes about engineers, much like the above. However, ironically, he was dead serious about all of them.

So much so, that we started a spreadsheet to catalog these comments.
 

DarrenTheDrunk

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But in my defense..there is one member on this site to blame for this and it is DAZGORE who I affectionately named the "Professor" cos he taught me how to brew and keg the best bloody beer on the face of this earth. He is a bad bad bad man right there
 

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