Continuing Jokes Thread

[raven19]

Two chimps and a Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld.

 

[raven19]

A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load
a sack full of cash.


On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and
pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor
in silence.

The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was
plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand
and said, "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse of you."

 

[raven19]

Why Parents Drink



The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '


'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'



Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '



'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '


Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '


Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.


'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.


Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.



'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,



' The search team just landed a helicopter '


Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '

 

[raven19]

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed

in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his

mouth and nose,

still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him a

partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my

testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies

'I don't know,Sir.

I'm only here to wash

your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again,

'Nurse, are my

testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,

she overcomes her

embarrassment and sheepishly

pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his

***** in one hand and his

testicles in the other,

lifting and moving them

around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong

with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,

smiles at her and

says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was

wonderful, but listen

very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

 

[raven19]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

 

[raven19]

Another funny story from the email... written by a woman.... (not me!)

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ***, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.

 

[RobH]

We used to own a sausage dog, the poor thing, he had no legs. We named him "Cigarette" cos every night we would take him out for a drag.
:lol:

 

[raven19]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a
sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For
Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog
is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told
the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no
one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But
the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at
the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings
and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of
puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****.

 

[RobH]

Confucius say:

If you can't find the book you want,
You are probably shopping at the.....

 

[Ivan Other One]

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten'.

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,

He found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Kristian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.

'Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,And I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'...............

..'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian'

 

[raven19]

Fanny Green
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

 

[raven19]

Top 25 Lines in Star Wars that Can Be Improved by Substituting the word "Pants"

1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

2. You are unwise to lower your pants.

3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.

6. I find your lack of pants disturbing.

7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.

8. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.

10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.

11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?

12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

13. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.

15. Luke. . . Help me take...these pants off.

16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

17. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!

18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

19. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one. Your sister!

21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.

23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.

24. Pants! Its a trap!

25. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought .

 

[raven19]

> It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife

> are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes

> about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

>

> News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his

> wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be

> distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"!

>

> She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has

> happened, I'm really stumped"

>

> "She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she

> will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk

> out on a relationship like this"

>

> After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever

> consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if

> we called her Heather.

>

> It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to

> the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world,

> and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have

> a leg to stand on.

>

> Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may

> have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying

> to get her leg over".

>

> Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the

> cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get

> home at night and find her legless"

>

> Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present

> that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new

> prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

>

> A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate

> "I'm stuffed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says

> "try Paul McCartney"

>

> Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

>

> I lay upon a grassy bank

> My hands were all a quiver

> I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river

>

>

> These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now

> she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can

> fill her shoe.

>

 

[raven19]

Gotta love the Irish

Six retired Irishmen are playing poker in O'Leary's apartment
when Paddy Murphy loses $500.00 on a single hand, clutches his chest,
and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother,
The other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone
got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell
him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.

Discretion Is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500.00, and is
Afraid to come Home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

 

[RobH]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
Who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
Laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
And who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
And who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
Do not know each other.

 

[Ivan Other One]

So, this man was on his honeymoon and every day at 5am he got up and went fishing. He fished all day long on a charter boat and did not get home until well after dark.

One day the skipper was so ovecome with curiosity he asked the man, why on your honeymoon do you not stay in bed with your wife, why come fishing?

The man answered, well she has gonorrea!

The skipper said, oh, well, what about getting a head job?

The man said, I would but she has Pyroea!

The skipper said, ahh, I see, but hey, what about going the mud track and take her from behind?

The man said, she has diorreah, no way m8!

The skipper said, man, you have got me confused, why the heck did you marry her?


The man said, well, she has worms and I just LOVE fishing!!!




And how did she contract all this?????

She once went fishing with a whole bunch of blokes,
And came home with a red snapper!!!

 

[raven19]

I have seen this before with different names, so not sure its true, but worth a giggle.



THE BEST Put Down LINE EVER




For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.


Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?


GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?


GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?


GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.


GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?



The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

 

[raven19]

These Questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
__________________________________________________



> Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

>

> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

> Aepends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I want to walk from Perthto Sydney- can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)

>

> A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HerveyBay? ( UK)

> A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? ( USA )

> A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe...
> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
> ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Which direction is North in Australia? (USA )

>

> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK )
> A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Can you send me the ViennaBoys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
> Oh forget it. Sure, the ViennaBoys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK )
> A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
> Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
>
> Qlease send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
> All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA )

>

> A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
> You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

> Qo you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France )

>

> A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

>

> A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

 

[raven19]

A man was sunbathing n@ked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."


He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

 

[raven19]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."