Continuing Jokes Thread

[Maple]

Maybe not so much a joke, but funny stuff here and here

 

[Sully]

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's' dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says

'I've had enough of this'.

He goes downstairs. Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says,

'The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?'

Paddy says

'I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin' see how THEY like it !'

 

[Katherine]

Oldie but still a goodie!!





THE WEDDING TEST



I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...



It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.



One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'



I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.



Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.



The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[pokolbinguy]

This is hilarious

 

[raven19]

> > LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
> >
> > A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the stranger
> > turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if
> > you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.'
> >
> > The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to
> > the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
> >
> > 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he
> > smiles..
> >
> > OK, 'she said.. 'That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a
> > question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -,
> > yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and
> > a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
> >
> > The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
> > about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
> >
> > To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss
> > nuclear power when you don't know ****?
> >
> > She then opened her book.

 

[porky]

This is how the fight started.......


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
>
> My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
>
> And that's how the fight started....
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my
car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
>
> So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
>
> And then the fight started......
>
>
> *****************************************
>
>
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
in about 3 seconds..'
>
> I bought her a bathroom scale.
>
> And then the fight started....
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some
place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.
>
> And then the fight started....
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
>
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
>
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
>
> 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my
order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
>
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
>
> Nah, she can order for herself."
>
> And then the fight started...
>
>
> ******************************************
>
>
>
> A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
>
> The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
>
> And then the fight started

 

[raven19]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young Mothers and their small children.
You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on ****, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick
Willy up from school and go home.

 

[raven19]

GOLFER'S HONEYMOON

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, ....still in the CRATE!'

 

[Mitternacht Brauer]

Soooo Friendly :icon_drool2:

 

[QldKev]

The trip to Bunnings


I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of
action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed
a massive quantity of my patented Road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the

point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you

eat it, the next day both of Your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's
Movement 2'. Despite Habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was
unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder
and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to
refinish the den.


Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at
the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong
time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from
the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in
the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in
a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to
move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red
aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn
in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of
you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that
all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there
blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry
bees.


This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
BIG Mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',
if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in
other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing
off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is
burning SO BAD, purging.


One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true
meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
'Son of a gun!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly
left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said,
'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some
prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans
on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and,
pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning
moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises
and asked none too kindly not to return

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at
Woolies. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole
matter.

 

[brettprevans]

The trip to Bunnings

im sitting at work pissing myself at this. why is it that blokes find farts etc so funny. great stuff

 

[raven19]

Doctor's Office Receptionist

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong
and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

<H1 style="MARGIN: auto 0cm">I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk... The Receptionist said,
'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?
''There's something wrong with my ****', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said,'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' </H1>'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said?
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?
''There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'



'I can't piss out of it', he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

 

[mash head]

An Australian was in a bar and couldnt help over hearing a Frenchman and a Latino man discussing how they pleasure their partners in bed.

The Frenchman told how he would massage his lover with essential oils by candle light before making passoinate love to her for half an hour and when they were both sattisfied she would float 1 foot above the bed.

The latino man said this is nothing my friend. I pleasure my lover with my tounge until she can handle no more, then we make mad passinate love for an hour. When I am done she floats 2 foot above the bed.

The Australian just laughed and said thats nothin mates. I get home crack a beer jump the missus, 2 minutes later get off and wipe my **** on the curtains and she fucken hits the roof. :lol:

 

[raven19]

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Sydney he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
And my husband wont give me extra money.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a packet of hundred and thousands"

 

[brettprevans]

pregnancy

when a woman is pregnant, all her friends rub her belly and say 'congratulations'....
but why dont any of them come over and rub your ***** and say 'well done' ?

 

[brettprevans]

 

[QldKev]

pregnancy

when a woman is pregnant, all her friends rub her belly and say 'congratulations'....
but why dont any of them come over and rub your ***** and say 'well done' ?

ROFLMAO :super:

QldKev

 

[raven19]

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!

I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not

servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -



Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like

mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

 

[bum]

I find that post very racialist.

 

[raven19]

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde
A golden retriever

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in grade 7. Who has the biggest ****s?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.<

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'