Continuing Jokes Thread

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DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:


Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?



Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?



Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.




Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.



Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.




Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?


Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?




Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.



Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.





Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.



Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
 
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.



We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.



Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . Kill her!!



The man said, You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.



The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.



The man came out with tears in his eyes, I tried, but I cant kill my wife. The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.



Finally, it was the womans turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



This gun is loaded with blanks she said. I had to beat him to death with the chair.
 
The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes:
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....

You'll love this...

Yep. I know you will...


"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
 
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a
Pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ' Pierre , kiss me!'

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red Wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, ' Pierre , kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it
on
Her bre*asts.
' Pierre ! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have
white Wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude.

Marie then leans close to his ear and whispers, ' Pierre , kiss me much Lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in
her Muff.......

He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams
Furiously, ' PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in
flames!'
 
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would beinterested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
 
An american TV show called 'STUMP THE PROFFESOR'where if the prof couldnt give the meaning to a word you won a trip to disneyland
a young aussie got up and said"GARN" the prof thought then said spell it,G A R N said the young man
the prof said I dont know,but if you put it into a sentence you win
young man said "GARN GET F#@%ED"
The tv studio went into meltdown and went off the air
board meeting decided to cotinue with show but no smart young australian members in audience
next show an old man stands up and says "SMEE" prof says spell it-S M E E says the old man
prof again says "dont know but if you put it in a sentence you win
the old man jumps up pulls off a false wig and beard and says"its SMEE again GARN GET F#@%ED"
 
> Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and

> family values.

> Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

> Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

>

> ---------------------------------------------------------

> A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my

> intelligence come from?'

> The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,

> cause I still have mine.'

>

> ---------------------------------------------------------

> 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court

> Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

> 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and

> then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

>

> ---------------------------------------------------------

> A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took

> the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

> 'Me neither doc,' said the husband.

> 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

>

> -----------------------------------------------------------

> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has

> been living with for the last 40 years.

> The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that

> were used to put the curse on you.'

> The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

>

> ----------------------------------------------------------

> Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

> 1. The DNA all matches..

> 2. There are no dental records.

>

> ----------------------------------------------------------

> A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll

> take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

> The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

> 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up..

>

> ----------------------------------------------------------

> Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

> 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

> 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

> 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

> 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

>

> -----------------------------------------------------------

> Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

> Joe: 'Really?'

> Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

>

> ----------------------------------------------------------

> A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks

> him how he is feeling..

> 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in

> surgery,' he answered.

> 'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

> 'Oops!'

>

> ------------------------------------------------------------

>

>

> The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive

> clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied

> by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

> The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's

> there.'
 
BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)...Queensland's famous product!



Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish!



(For you o/seas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth. Out of the worlds top 10, Australia has 5. )



I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.
I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the river without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
 
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Parramatta Immigration Offices in Macquarie Street .



'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you've just arrived in Sydney, Australia with your wife and seven children.'


The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Somalia where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'


The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!


'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.


The refugee claimant now got bolder.



'I need a big house with a three car garage in Castle Hill with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.


PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling in ground pool and a Hummer, full of his nephews playing their music.


'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.



I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of rags, and a baseball cap instead of this shawl and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'


PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from Best for Less, a dirty K-Mart T-shirt and a greasy Billabong baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.


'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where's my Centrelink Gold Card?'

The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled to sweet ****- ALL like the rest of us.'

And she disappeared!
 
A Bavarian was castaway on a small island in the Pacific. After a long time boring life there, a fairy appeared to him and said: I've been told to grant you two wishes, just tell me what youd like most.

The Bavarian didnt hesitate and answered: Id like to have a barrel of beer that never would run empty.

Bing, the man got a barrel of beer and henceforth he was happy drinking hes beer every day.

A couple of month later the fairy appeared again and said: man, you still have one wish left, what would you like to get right now.

The Bavarian scratched hes head and said: that barrel of beer that never runs empty was the best idea I ever had, please Id like to have one more of it. :icon_chickcheers:
 
During a recent audit by Internode, it was found that a blonde was using the
following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySydney".

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to

contain at least 8 characters and one capital.
 
"I ♥ facebook like you ♥ ****."

Gold.
 
What A Coincidence!



> A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and

ordered a glass of champagne...

>

> The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of

champagne, too!'

>

> 'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me....

I am celebrating'

>

> 'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the

woman.

>

> 'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man

asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

>

> 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my

gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

>

> 'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years

all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized

eggs.'

>

> 'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

>

> 'I used a different ****,' he replied.

>

> The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
 
Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!

Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...

New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.

Why is sex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

Q: Why do 90% gals have left **** bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.

Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later

Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!

My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise . Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!




Anagrams
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
​
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER​
 
peas_and_corn said:
Gold! Here's the text of the page-


...wait, what?
Click to expand...


From memory the gist of it was a guy was selling a big screen tv (lcd/plasma) for dirt cheap...like $20....because his mate who he had gotten to look after his house while away on holiday had played a nice little prank on him while he was away....knowing that images left on pause for an extended period of time would eventually "burn" into the screen he left an image of "Gay ****" on the screen....leaving behind a permanently burnt image of a mans ***** on the screen.
 

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