Continuing Jokes Thread

[Zwickel]

Three Kick Rule'

A city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to t he midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."



The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."


:lol:

 

[antains]

From memory the gist of it was a guy was selling a big screen tv (lcd/plasma) for dirt cheap...like $20....because his mate who he had gotten to look after his house while away on holiday had played a nice little prank on him while he was away....knowing that images left on pause for an extended period of time would eventually "burn" into the screen he left an image of "Gay porn" on the screen....leaving behind a permanently burnt image of a mans penis on the screen.

Apparently, the story behind it was that the guy who owned the tv owed the other guy months of rent, so burn-in was considered a suitable revenge.

 

[Pollux]

Here's another link to the same thing...

 

[raven19]

A grasshopper hops into a bar and jumps up on a barstool.



The bartender looks at him and starts laughing and says

"Hey! We got a drink named after you!"



The grasshopper gives the bartender a dirty look and says,



"You got a drink named Steve?"

 

[raven19]

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other:

'You man the guns, i'll drive'

 

[raven19]

Three Couples Camping



Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"

Peter woke up and asked, "What's going on?"

Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."

"How come?"

"To have s*x! I just woke up with the biggest er*ction I've ever had in my life!"

After a pause, Peter said, "Do you want me to come with you?"

"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"

"Because that's my d*ck you're holding."

 

[stew.w]

have a look at this idiot

http://www.epicfail.com/2010/01/08/deadlift-fail/

love how his mate laughs at him

 

[Adamt]

Aaaaaaaahahaha someone forgot to breathe.

 

[dans6401]

Maybe not a joke a such but still funny-

THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISH MAN
August 31
Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in
Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset
from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

> September 13
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living
in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-
worshipper.

> September 30th
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms
and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I
love it here.

October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get
used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps
the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.

> October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60%
of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got
to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

> October 20th
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left
for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after
work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag
and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and
cat sh*t. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

> October 25
This wind is a *******. It feels like a giant f*ckin' blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and
the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs
to order parts from f*ckin' Perth.

> October 30th
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived
for the f*ckin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three
nights now. Bloody $800,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why
the hell did I ever come here?

> November 4
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the
temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it
feel about 30.
Stupid repairman.

> November 8
If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going
to f*ckin' throttle him. F*ckin' heat! By the time I get to work,
the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking f*ckin'
wet and I smell like baked cat!

> November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black
leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my f*ckin' arse
was on fire.. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs
of my legs and my f*ckin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair,
fried arse and baked cat!

> November 10
Weather report! It might as well be a f*ckin' recording. Hot and
sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and f*ckin' sunny! It's been too hot to
do anything for two f*ckin' months and the weatherman says it might
really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f*ckin'
place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms
might just dry up and blow into the f*ckin' pool. The only things
that thrive in this hell-hole are the f*ckin' flies. You don't dare
open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the f*ckers!

November 20th
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 f*ckin' degrees today. Now the air
conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and
said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My wife had to spend the $2,500
mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid
f*cker. F*ckin' Newman! What kind of sick, demented f*ckin' idiot
would want to live here!

December 1
WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are f*ckin' kidding!

 

[Zwickel]

Exactly the same text as the story of "A Pom in Mt. Isa"

 

[Leigh]

Exactly the same text as the story of "A Pom in Mt. Isa"

...even down to the "got burnt YESTERDAy and missed 3 days of work"...oops

F***in' funny though!

 

[Zwickel]

...even down to the "got burnt YESTERDAy and missed 3 days of work"...oops

F***in' funny though!

hahahaha.....now I got it, didnt realized it at first :lol:

 

[Steve]

An oldy but a goody:

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers
"your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
"give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily
coffee."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word
of the Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord
and it must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect
your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer. We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from "give us
this
day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily coffee."
Please consider it."



And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.
The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."
"And the bad news your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Tip Top account."


Cheers
Steve

 

[warra48]

Japanese Hotel Service ...

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.
Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20'.
Why not?' thought the salesman.
He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need when they are away from Their Wives ... 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..

 

[Steve]

:lol:

 

[raven19]

A bloke's on a short holiday, driving around the outback of Queensland and he sees a sign in front of a broken down old bush house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '. Curious, he rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog, "Ginger", is in the yard out the back.

The bloke goes into the backyard and sees an unremarkable looking Blue Heeler sitting there.

'Can you talk, Ginger?' he asks, not expecting a response.


'Yep,' the dog replies.


After the bloke recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story, pooch?'. The Blue Heeler looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to contribute to public safety, so I told ASIO. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one reckoned a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight straight years. But the jetting around really knackered me, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Cairns airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a load of medals.' 'I got married, had a heaps of puppies, and now I'm just retired and back home.'

The bloke's astounded. He rushes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the owner replies.

'Ten dollars? Ginger's incredible! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that.

................................................................................
......................................................



Weather Forecasting the Australian way.


It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in modern community, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold'.

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter'.

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold? He asked.



'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'



'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.



The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Abbos in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

................................................................................
.................................................................................
...............

THE AUSSIE VERSION OF CREATION​

In the beginning God created day and night.
He created day for footy matches, going to the beach . . .​

And BBQ's . . .​

He created night
for going prawning . . . sleeping and . . .

BBQ's


and God saw that it was good.​

On the Second Day, God created water. . .
for surfing


swimming,



and BBQ's on the beach,

and God saw that it was good.​

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants
to provide malt and yeast for beer

​

and wood for BBQs
and God saw that it was good​

On the Fourth Day God created animals​

and crustaceans

chops, sausages, steak




and prawns for BBQ's


and God saw that it was good.​

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke

to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,
drink the beer . . .
and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's

and God saw that it was good.
​

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely
and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat . . .
and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates,


and God saw that they were good Blokes,
and God saw that it was good.​

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires,
heard the hiss of opening beer cans . . .
and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes.
He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns

and God Saw that it was good ....​

. . . Well . . .
Almost good​

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up . . .
and needed a rest.​

So God created Sheilas


to clean the house, to bear children, to wash,
to cook and to clean the Barbie,
and sometimes . . .

companionship
(a root)

. . . and THEN God saw that it was not just good . . .​

It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!​

IT WAS AUSTRALIA

​

 

[raven19]

Roping A Deer------- ( Names have been removed to protect the Stupid! ) Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well!

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end wit h my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw.. My rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and th at deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is no t like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you c an't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying ther e crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

 

[Zwickel]

Two men were talking to eachother.

One said. "have you heard, there is a new pub in town, a really nice one. You may sit on the bar, drinking sparkling wine, have a nice talk to other customers, can get a meal, drinking more sparkling wine and so on. They even have rooms where you can make love to others and you dont need to pay anything, not at all. Everything is for free. You even can get a little money when you are leaving. Isnt that amazing?"

The other man replied: "wonderful, have you been there already?"

No, said the first one, me not, but my wife has been there

 

[warra48]

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned from
Typing the wrong email address!!!!



A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

 

[altstart]

Subject: Important Newsflash

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, Essex, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".