antains
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It's good work that you do, too. :icon_cheers: My memory is my curse.
It exists, I assure you. I read about it.
Continuing Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Bribie G
- Start date
Help Support Australia & New Zealand Homebrewing Forum:
It's good work that you do, too. :icon_cheers: My memory is my curse.
It exists, I assure you. I read about it.
Sully
mmmmmm...... BEEEER
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A newly wed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'
So he stayed home............
.........and, they lived happily ever after.
'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'
So he stayed home............
.........and, they lived happily ever after.
warra48
I've drunk all my homebrew and I'm still worried.
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That next day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That next day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
sudsmcduff
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A drunk man walks out of a pub and sees a nun at the end of the street, he walks up to her and punches her in the face and as she goes down he kicks her in the guts then leans down to her and sez not so tough now are we bat man. :icon_cheers:
sudsmcduff
Member
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three mice siting around talking abought how tough they are. When one sez i can get the cheese out of the mouse trap without setting off the mouse trap, the other sez well i can get the cheese out of the fridge without opening the door, the last sez screw this im gonna go f**k the cat :lol:
Sully
mmmmmm...... BEEEER
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Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, A drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'
sudsmcduff
Member
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actualy my mum told me the mouse one and mate told me the nun one
petesbrew
Lover of Beer
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Actually the correct answer would've been "I heard em from ya mum, bum!" :icon_chickcheers:actualy my mum told me the mouse one and mate told me the nun one
Maple
Talkin' bout a Rye-volution
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Not a bad video showing the good (if not great) effects of particular ingredients in beer has on... well just watch it - at home.
NSFW - without earphones
NSFW - without earphones
raven19
Homer is God
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THE BEER AND ICE CREAM DIET (Also called Thermodynamics to the Rescue)
A little technical - but keep reading
===============================================
OK....here's the ultimate diet for you
Beer and Ice Cream fans
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram
of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful
terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert
(generally consisting of water in large part), the
natural processes which raise the consumed dessert
to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally
sucks the calories out of the only available source:
your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near
0 degrees C(32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be
raised to the normal body temperature of37 degrees C
(98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that
process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above.
The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams.
Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law,
6,216 calories(1 cal/gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms)
are extracted from body fat as the dessert's
temperature is normalized.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert,
the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.
Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,
the better off you are and the faster you will lose
weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very
cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer
contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories
(6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature
normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss
per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate
that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are
extracted from the body in the process of drinking
a can of beer.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more
beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them
(i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm
to further raise them to body temperature. The results
here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to
drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served
above body temperature) induces an opposite effect.
But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have
already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a
lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with
large bowls of ice cream.
A little technical - but keep reading
===============================================
OK....here's the ultimate diet for you
Beer and Ice Cream fans
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram
of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful
terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert
(generally consisting of water in large part), the
natural processes which raise the consumed dessert
to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally
sucks the calories out of the only available source:
your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near
0 degrees C(32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be
raised to the normal body temperature of37 degrees C
(98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that
process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above.
The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams.
Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law,
6,216 calories(1 cal/gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms)
are extracted from body fat as the dessert's
temperature is normalized.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert,
the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.
Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,
the better off you are and the faster you will lose
weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very
cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer
contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories
(6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature
normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss
per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate
that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are
extracted from the body in the process of drinking
a can of beer.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more
beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them
(i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm
to further raise them to body temperature. The results
here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to
drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served
above body temperature) induces an opposite effect.
But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have
already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a
lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with
large bowls of ice cream.
Adamt
Too busy (lazy) to brew.
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- 20/11/05
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- 4,420
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- 8
Or the astute reader will realise that 1 Calorie (the unit used to quote for foods) is 1,000 calories. 1 Calorie is the energy required to heat 1kg of water by 1C. But I will chuckle along and keep the vibe of this thread going!
raven19
Homer is God
- Joined
- 24/9/08
- Messages
- 5,297
- Reaction score
- 23
Brain of Britain Genuine Answers from quiz shows and radio phone-ins.
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:
Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester
BBC NORFOLKStewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France.
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris.
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?
Which American actor was married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. .. ..
Richard:
He makes bread . . .
Contestant:
Er . ....
Richard:
He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:
Kipling Street?
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona.
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific.
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )Chris Searle:
In which European country isMount Etna?
Caller:
Japan.
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ...... Mexico ?
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israellast?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er. ... ..
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Tod ay I run, yesterday I . .. .
Contestant:
Walked?
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.
What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That's close enough.
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:
Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester
BBC NORFOLK
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France.
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark : For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor was married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. .. ..
Richard:
He makes bread . . .
Contestant:
Er . ....
Richard:
He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:
Kipling Street?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona.
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific.
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
In which European country isMount Etna?
Caller:
Japan.
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ...... Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israellast?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er. ... ..
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Tod ay I run, yesterday I . .. .
Contestant:
Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That's close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.
raven19
Homer is God
- Joined
- 24/9/08
- Messages
- 5,297
- Reaction score
- 23
A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better
and better to the lonely Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her
and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better
and better to the lonely Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her
and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
raven19
Homer is God
- Joined
- 24/9/08
- Messages
- 5,297
- Reaction score
- 23
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
'I want to be gorgeous,' and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says 'I want to be gorgeous too'. Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. The guy eventually calms down and says: 'Make 'em all ugly again.'
'I want to be gorgeous,' and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says 'I want to be gorgeous too'. Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. The guy eventually calms down and says: 'Make 'em all ugly again.'
raven19
Homer is God
- Joined
- 24/9/08
- Messages
- 5,297
- Reaction score
- 23
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to four-letter words:
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
stillscottish
Uh, Detective Parson, madam.
Did you hear the one about four drunks and a broken garage door opener? h34r:
h34r:
buttersd70
Beerbelly's bitch :)
- Joined
- 28/11/07
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How does a woman hold her liquor?
By the ears.h34r:
By the ears.
h34r:
