Continuing Jokes Thread

[raven19]

The Meaty Bites Diet

I've got 4 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Coles and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Silly *****... why else would I buy dog food??

 

[pokolbinguy]

Only in China......

Below is a photo taken by a friend in China of a stone wall being built which when built is then rendered.....to look like stone.

 

[antains]

The Meaty Bites Diet

Please, oh, please let that be a true story. :icon_cheers:

 

[fraser_john]

Please, oh, please let that be a true story. :icon_cheers:

+1 please oh please, funny as

 

[Adamt]

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

OH LAWD, that is pure gold.

 

[raven19]

STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old man, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell yo u what , young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this
Story?
Don't mess with the OLDER GENERATION
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!

 

[raven19]

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left -phone a friend Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?' 'Sure,' said Mick.
'I'll have a go!'

'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'
A: Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '. Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy.
'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.' 'Are you sure?'
'I'm fookin sure.'

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.' 'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris
'Dat it is, Sir.'
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the
correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!!!

 

[raven19]

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

 

[atkinsonr]

 

[raven19]

Only in Texas my friends... Only in Texas

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy' s expense.

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

 

[raven19]

A cowboy and his new wife had just got married and found a nice hotel in High River for their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.

The clerk winked, 'You want the Bridal"?

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, 'Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

 

[raven19]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road- side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating

grass?""We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my

house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.







"The grass is almost a foot high"

 

[raven19]

Tarzan & Sex
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his
life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates,
"you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the
crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

 

[warra48]

Will I be able to find it in a car park? :lol:

Only if it's parked in the G spot.

 

[antains]

Only if it's parked in the G spot.

It took a while, but that reply was worth the wait. :beer:

 

[raven19]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment to get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids came back and one by one told their stories. Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.'

'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is: 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Emily. Connor, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My mum told me this story about my Aunty Susan. Aunty Susan was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your mother tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f* ck away from Aunty Susan when she's been on the piss.

 

[raven19]

In the spirit of the swine flu...


The Big Bad Wolf said Ill huff and Ill puff and Ill blow your house down


The little pig says F*** off or Ill sneeze on you

 

[raven19]

Little Bruce
Mohammed entered his classroom. "What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed".... answered the kid.
"Here we are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home.
"How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him. Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely. The next day Mohammed returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you little Bruce?"

"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two ****** Arabs!..."

 

[Snow]

This bear goes into a beef and burgundy bar, goes up to the bar, says to the bartender give me a beer.

The bartender looks at the bear and says sorry, we dont serve beer to bears in the beef and burgundy bar.

The bear, fuming, wildly waves his big hairy arms around and biffs a bystander, turns back to the bartender and snarls to the bartender in a menacing tone I said give me a beer!.

The bartender coolly responds Im sorry we dont serve beer to bears in the beef and burgundy bar who biff bystanders.

Now the bears really pissed off and he leans over the bar and bops the bartender on the top of his head and growls loudly give me a beer, right now, or else!.

The bartender frowns, rubbing the top of his head and declares I am sorry, we do not serve beer to bears in the beef and burgundy bar who biff bystanders, and bop the bartender.

Now the bear freaks out. He goes nuts, roaring, saliva flying from his bared teeth, as he bends down and bites this big bit out of the bar. The bear spits it out, and roars you give me a ******* beer right ******* now!.

The bartender slowly shakes his head and says Im sorry sir, we dont serve beer to bears in the beef and burgundy bar who biff bystanders, bop bartenders and take drugs.

The bear does a double take and, perplexed, says to the bartender what do you mean take drugs??. The bartender responds



................




wait for it............




....................




what about that barbituate?.

:lol:

 

[Zwickel]

Barry works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and fishes every Saturday.

His wife, Betty, thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bazz! How ya doin, mate?'

Betty is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Barry. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Barry if he'd like his usual and brings over a Merlot.

Betty is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Merlot ?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the Fishing Club.

I always have a Merlot when we get in from end of fishing, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Barry, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Baz. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Betty, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Barry follows and spots her getting into a cab...

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Barry tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Baz, you picked up a real ***** this time.'

Barry's funeral will be on Friday.

No flowers. Donations to the Fishing Club please.