A thief breaks into a house and is searching through the draws when he hears "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU"he looks around,see's nothing and keeps searching,the voice repeats "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU"he looks araoun again, then notices a parrot in a cage in the corner,goes over and say's to the parrot"you talking to me?"bird replies "yes",thief laugh's and askes" whats your name?"parrot replies"MOSSES"thief say's "what FWIT names their parrot"MOSSES?"parrot replies "the same FWIT that named his ROTTWEILLER JESUS!!"
Continuing Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Bribie G
- Start date
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Sully
mmmmmm...... BEEEER
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Second Opinion!
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
raven19
Homer is God
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- 5,297
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- 23
Zen Teachings...
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2.Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgement
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our *** ...
then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2.Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgement
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our *** ...
then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
raven19
Homer is God
- Joined
- 24/9/08
- Messages
- 5,297
- Reaction score
- 23
These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS
Greater Glasgow
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally
alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her
life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in
separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Greater Glasgow
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally
alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her
life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in
separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
pokolbinguy
Well-Known Member
We can all aspire to having a six pack like Joe.
If only they were kegs
If only they were kegs
pokolbinguy
Well-Known Member
peas_and_corn
I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I cannot mash that
"a real bum deal"? He's just making it worse, isn't he?
He started pretty badly with a surname of 'cummings', then it went downhill.
peas_and_corn
I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I cannot mash that
My wife was eaten by a crocodile while she was watching a film starring Russell Crowe.
Gladiator?
No of course not, theres blood and guts all over the sitting room.
Ive just got back from the far east. Been looking for gold.
Japan?
No, I used a new method called hydraulic sluice mining.
I made love all night to a girl from Surrey.
Leatherhead?
Yes it is a bit tender.
So, this girl came round and we played cards
Poker?
No, frigid ***** just wanted to play cards
My wifes gone to Bournemouth.
In Dorset?
Yes, she enjoyed it very much.
My wife had an accident while hiking on a mountain!
Krakatoa?
No, she broke her leg.
Ive been in Africa, playing cards with the natives.
Zulus?
No, won every game.
Gladiator?
No of course not, theres blood and guts all over the sitting room.
Ive just got back from the far east. Been looking for gold.
Japan?
No, I used a new method called hydraulic sluice mining.
I made love all night to a girl from Surrey.
Leatherhead?
Yes it is a bit tender.
So, this girl came round and we played cards
Poker?
No, frigid ***** just wanted to play cards
My wifes gone to Bournemouth.
In Dorset?
Yes, she enjoyed it very much.
My wife had an accident while hiking on a mountain!
Krakatoa?
No, she broke her leg.
Ive been in Africa, playing cards with the natives.
Zulus?
No, won every game.
jonocarroll
uıɐbɐ ʞunɹp ɯ,ı
That's it - you are no longer allowed to roll your eyes at my bad jokes. Ever.
I can't believe you left out;
"I came home and found my wife in bed with another man"
"You bitter?"
"Yup. Bit him too."
white.grant
tum te tum
- Joined
- 12/3/08
- Messages
- 3,440
- Reaction score
- 23
or even
"I'm heading up north for the holidays"
"What route are you taking?"
"Just the missus"
"I'm heading up north for the holidays"
"What route are you taking?"
"Just the missus"
raven19
Homer is God
- Joined
- 24/9/08
- Messages
- 5,297
- Reaction score
- 23
A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real
distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the
next table turned to look at her.
Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!',
desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The
woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her,
lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers
and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt. This
shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the
obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe
again. Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep
swig of his beer.
Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know
Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but
that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real
distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the
next table turned to look at her.
Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!',
desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The
woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her,
lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers
and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt. This
shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the
obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe
again. Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep
swig of his beer.
Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know
Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but
that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'
raven19
Homer is God
- Joined
- 24/9/08
- Messages
- 5,297
- Reaction score
- 23
> TRUE LENT
>
> Each Friday night after work, Boudreaux would fire up his
> outdoor grill and
> cook a venison steak. But, all of Boudreaux's
> neighbors were Catholic...
> and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat
> on Friday.
>
>
> The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was
> causing such a
> problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked
> to their Priest.
>
>
>
>
> The Priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that he
> become a
> Catholic. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux
> attended Mass,
> and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,
> "You were born a
> Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a
> Catholic."
>
>
> Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until
> Friday night arrived,
> and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the
> neighborhood.
>
> The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and,
> as he rushed into
> Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to
> scold him, he stopped
> and watched in amazement. There stood Boudreaux, clutching
> a small bottle
> of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the
> grilling meat and
> chanted:
>
>
> "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now
> you is a catfish."
>
> Each Friday night after work, Boudreaux would fire up his
> outdoor grill and
> cook a venison steak. But, all of Boudreaux's
> neighbors were Catholic...
> and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat
> on Friday.
>
>
> The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was
> causing such a
> problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked
> to their Priest.
>
>
>
>
> The Priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that he
> become a
> Catholic. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux
> attended Mass,
> and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,
> "You were born a
> Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a
> Catholic."
>
>
> Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until
> Friday night arrived,
> and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the
> neighborhood.
>
> The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and,
> as he rushed into
> Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to
> scold him, he stopped
> and watched in amazement. There stood Boudreaux, clutching
> a small bottle
> of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the
> grilling meat and
> chanted:
>
>
> "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now
> you is a catfish."
jonocarroll
uıɐbɐ ʞunɹp ɯ,ı
An economics professor at school had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam.
Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in. The professor looked at him and said, "Don't bother to hand that paper in... you get a zero for continuing after the bell."
The guy looked at him and said, "Professor, do you know who I am?"
The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the United States...you get a zero on this exam"
The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am?"
The professor responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are."
With that, the guy said "Good!", lifted up half the stack of exams and slid his exam somewhere in the middle, then left.
Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in. The professor looked at him and said, "Don't bother to hand that paper in... you get a zero for continuing after the bell."
The guy looked at him and said, "Professor, do you know who I am?"
The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the United States...you get a zero on this exam"
The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am?"
The professor responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are."
With that, the guy said "Good!", lifted up half the stack of exams and slid his exam somewhere in the middle, then left.
white.grant
tum te tum
- Joined
- 12/3/08
- Messages
- 3,440
- Reaction score
- 23
Q: What happens when two snails fight?
A: They slug it out.
A: They slug it out.
raven19
Homer is God
- Joined
- 24/9/08
- Messages
- 5,297
- Reaction score
- 23
GOT TO PEE
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.
The girls then proceeded home.
The next day one of the women's husband was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that
Said..
From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.
The girls then proceeded home.
The next day one of the women's husband was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that
Said..
From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.
raven19
Homer is God
- Joined
- 24/9/08
- Messages
- 5,297
- Reaction score
- 23
BEER - THROUGH THE EYES OF SEVEN YEAR OLDS
A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'.
Some interesting responses.
'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
--Mellanie, 7 years old
'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.' --Grady, 7 years old
''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old
'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old
'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.
--Lilly, 7 years old
'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old
'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.
--Shirley, 7 years old
AND THE BEST RESPONSE
'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years
A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'.
Some interesting responses.
'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
--Mellanie, 7 years old
'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.' --Grady, 7 years old
''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old
'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old
'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.
--Lilly, 7 years old
'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old
'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.
--Shirley, 7 years old
AND THE BEST RESPONSE
'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years
