Continuing Jokes Thread

[yardy]

did you hear about the dyslexic pimp that bought a warehouse..


a man wakes up in hospital, the Doctor says I have good news and bad.

man: righto, give us the bad news

Doctor: I have amputated both your feet

man: christ on a bike ! What's the bloody good news ?

Doctor: The gentleman in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.

 

[joshlangmaid]

One bloke explained to another bloke that lions have sex 15 - 40 times a day!

BUGGER said the first bloke, i just joined Rotary.

 

[muckey]

One bloke explained to another bloke that lions have sex 15 - 40 times a day!

BUGGER said the first bloke, i just joined Rotary.

wot, and apex get none at all??

 

[mattcarty]

did you hear about the dyslexic pimp that bought a warehouse..

DNA = National Dyslexic Association

 

[Pollux]

He then went of to sell his soul to Santa..

 

[white.grant]

But was saved by dog

 

[jonocarroll]

DNA = National Dyslexic Association

Old MacDonald was dyslexic... E O I O E.

....

A dyslexic cop is severely reprimanded by his captain because the spelling on his police reports is incomprehensible. "How can you expect anyone to read this! If you file just one more report with any and I mean any words misspelled, you are going on report!" screams the captain.

The cop vows not to make any more mistakes. The next day he is in his patrol car when a report of a traffic accident comes over his radio. He arrives on the scene to discover a grisly head-on collision. The cop takes out his notebook and begins to write, taking care to spell each word correctly.

"One, O-N-E. Ford, F-O-R-D. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H."

"That's good," thinks the cop as he walks across the street to the other vehicle.

"One, O-N-E. Dodge, D-O-D-G-E. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H."

"I am doing great!" says the cop out loud as he confidently walks to the middle of the highway, where he discovers a decapitated head.

"One, O-N-E. Head, H-E-A-D. In the boulevard, B-O-L B-L-U B-O-L-L B-I-L " Finally, the frustrated cop looks around to ensure nobody is looking, then kicks the head and writes, "One head in the D-I-T-C-H."

 

[petesbrew]

A couple are in bed asleep when there's a knock at the door in the middle of the night.
The guy gets up, fumbles his way to the door. Opens up and there's a bloke who asks "hey mate, can I have a push?"

"Bugger off, it's 2 in the morning!", the husband slams the door and goes back to bed.
His wife asks who was that, to which he replies, some bloke asking for a push.
The wife says "You slack prick! Remember that night when we were stuck in the middle of nowhere with a flat battery, and someone stopped to help? Spread some good karma!"

The guy get's up grumbling, gets dressed, and goes outside. "hey mate!" he yells, "you still needing a push?"
From the shadows, a voice replies "Oh yeah that'd be great!"

The guy looks around "Well, Where are ya?"

"Over here on the swings!"

 

[Bribie G]

Bill Gates' little boy was coming up to his seventh birthday. Bill took him to one side and said "Son, I'm the richest man in the world and I can buy you anything you want. Have a think about it, and tomorrow you can tell me what you want for your birthday"

Touchingly, all the little boy wanted was a cowboy outfit.

So Bill bought him the Queensland Government.

 

[Sully]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 

[Bribie G]

A little lost puppy wandered in through the swing doors of a saloon in Dodge City. A drunk cowboy took out his gun and shot the poor little puppy in the foot, it ran out yelping.

Three years later the doors of the saloon banged open and there was a huge dog with a gun belt and two Colt 45s.



"Ahv'e come to get the guy that shot mah paw"

 

[raven19]

sorry about the capital letters...

DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE?

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY.

WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN, VIRGINIA, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY, BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!!

THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE.

"SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER'S SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE... A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE REDNECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS.

AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO MARK AN 'X' ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE 'X' ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT " THE REDNECK SAYS..

THE FOREMAN L AUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES,

"CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A SH*T BEHIND IT!"

 

[bradsbrew]

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are
freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters
sitting on the bed . He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both
of you '.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'




Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of f***kin one?'

 

[buttersd70]

First Gay Cowboy: "Yup?"
Second Gay Cowboy: "Yep."
------------------------------------

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the
groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.
He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under.
A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.
The doctor emerges from under her skirt.
"How's that?"
"Well, it's a lot better actually, but...........it's still there."
Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.
Snip, snip, snip, snip.
Out he comes.
"How's that?" he asks again more confident.
"That's wonderful! What did you do?"
.
.
.

"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."

 

[Jase71]

Bill Gates' little boy was coming up to his seventh birthday. Bill took him to one side and said "Son, I'm the richest man in the world and I can buy you anything you want. Have a think about it, and tomorrow you can tell me what you want for your birthday"

Touchingly, all the little boy wanted was a cowboy outfit.

So Bill bought him the Queensland Government.

Ouch. Don't really get the specific reference, bu I must ask, things haven't really changed since the fall of JBP ?

 

[Bribie G]

Ouch. Don't really get the specific reference, bu I must ask, things haven't really changed since the fall of JBP ?

State election campaign now on, you will learn all you never wanted to know

 

[Jase71]

State election campaign now on, you will learn all you never wanted to know

Not really.. I live a media-free life. No TV, no newspapers, no online information, no radio.

 

[glennheinzel]

What's brown and sticky?



A stick.

 

[glennheinzel]

How many cockroaches does it take to change a lightbulb?



I don't know either. Everytime I flick the light back on, they all scatter!

 

[glennheinzel]

How many Freudian pyschologists does it take to change a light bulb?


Two. One to change the light bulb and the other to hold the penis... I mean... ladder.