Ducatiboy stu
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Continuing Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Bribie G
- Start date
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DU99
Well-Known Member
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of the outback.
She wanted a pair of genuine crocodile shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the sellers, the blonde shouted; "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll get lucky and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an crocodile.
Later in the day, the seller is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot crocodile swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.
Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in total amazement.
Just then the blonde flips the crocodile on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out; "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
She wanted a pair of genuine crocodile shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the sellers, the blonde shouted; "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll get lucky and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an crocodile.
Later in the day, the seller is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot crocodile swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.
Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in total amazement.
Just then the blonde flips the crocodile on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out; "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
DU99
Well-Known Member
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Hawthorn fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Hawthorn fans too.
Not really knowing what a Hawthorn fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a Hawthorn fan" she retorts.
"Then" asks her teacher "What are you?"
"I'm a proud West Coast Eagles fan" boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the little girl why she is an Eagles fan.
"Well, my dad and mum are Eagles fans, so I'm a Eagles fan too" she responds.
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason" she says loudly. "What if your mum was a moron and your dad was an *****? What would you be then?"
"Oh" says the little girl. "Well, then I'd be a Hawthorn fan".
She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Hawthorn fans too.
Not really knowing what a Hawthorn fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a Hawthorn fan" she retorts.
"Then" asks her teacher "What are you?"
"I'm a proud West Coast Eagles fan" boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the little girl why she is an Eagles fan.
"Well, my dad and mum are Eagles fans, so I'm a Eagles fan too" she responds.
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason" she says loudly. "What if your mum was a moron and your dad was an *****? What would you be then?"
"Oh" says the little girl. "Well, then I'd be a Hawthorn fan".
DU99
Well-Known Member
On the first day, sadly, he packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he got the house removers to come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table; by candle-light he put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimps, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centres of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the former wife came back with her new boyfriend, and, at first, all was bliss.
Then, slowly at first, the house began to smell...
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, scrubbing and airing-out the place.
Under the floor boards, the attic and vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. 'Exterminators' were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days. In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked! Unsurprisingly, people stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the sickening stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their asking price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a rotten, stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local Estate Agents refused to enter their property or return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they just had to get out and had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the stench really was, she quickly agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ...but only, she insisted, if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the removal company pack everything to take to their new home ... and just to spite the gullible ex-husband, gleefully they even took the curtain rods !!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU...?
On the second day, he got the house removers to come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table; by candle-light he put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimps, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centres of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the former wife came back with her new boyfriend, and, at first, all was bliss.
Then, slowly at first, the house began to smell...
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, scrubbing and airing-out the place.
Under the floor boards, the attic and vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. 'Exterminators' were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days. In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked! Unsurprisingly, people stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the sickening stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their asking price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a rotten, stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local Estate Agents refused to enter their property or return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they just had to get out and had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the stench really was, she quickly agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ...but only, she insisted, if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the removal company pack everything to take to their new home ... and just to spite the gullible ex-husband, gleefully they even took the curtain rods !!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU...?
Camo6
Relax? Don't worry?? It's not just an internet for
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A man boarded an aeroplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “business, I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of Australia Convention in Brisbane."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are they?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it's Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina are the Australians.
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Cobber".
She turned, smiled and said, “business, I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of Australia Convention in Brisbane."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are they?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it's Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina are the Australians.
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Cobber".
seamad
beer dog
Finally……..the story as told by Hillary Clinton to world leaders ……
“Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. He wasn’t the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty.
“The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
“Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many chefs did that.
“Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself.
“By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
“As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice:
“Sack my cook”
“And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.”
“Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. He wasn’t the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty.
“The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
“Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many chefs did that.
“Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself.
“By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
“As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice:
“Sack my cook”
“And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.”
DU99
Well-Known Member
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.
“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your drivers license?”
“What’s a license?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
“It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
“Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop.
“Registration….. what’s that….?” asked the blonde.
“It’s usually in your glove compartment,” said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. “I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?”
“Yes.” replied the officer
“Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher.
“Uh… yes.” replied the cop.
“Here’s what you do,” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.”
“What? I can’t do that. It’s… inappropriate.” exclaimed the cop.
“Trust me. Just do it.” said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs… “Ohh no… not another breathalyzer…”
“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your drivers license?”
“What’s a license?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
“It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
“Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop.
“Registration….. what’s that….?” asked the blonde.
“It’s usually in your glove compartment,” said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. “I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?”
“Yes.” replied the officer
“Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher.
“Uh… yes.” replied the cop.
“Here’s what you do,” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.”
“What? I can’t do that. It’s… inappropriate.” exclaimed the cop.
“Trust me. Just do it.” said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs… “Ohh no… not another breathalyzer…”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are on a camping trip in the countryside.
They wake at 1 am and above them is the majesty of the night sky and the Milky Way.
Holmes: And what do you see, Watson?
Watson: I see the glories of the Milky Way and the Universe.
Holmes: And what does this suggest to you, Watson?
Watson: That there are billions of stars and billions of universes, each with their own billions of stars. Around many of those stars are undoubtedly planets, and there surely must be many alien beings staring into the night sky, wondering exactly the same as we are tonight.
And what does it suggest to you, Holmes?
Holmes: It suggests to me that someone has stolen the ******* tent.
They wake at 1 am and above them is the majesty of the night sky and the Milky Way.
Holmes: And what do you see, Watson?
Watson: I see the glories of the Milky Way and the Universe.
Holmes: And what does this suggest to you, Watson?
Watson: That there are billions of stars and billions of universes, each with their own billions of stars. Around many of those stars are undoubtedly planets, and there surely must be many alien beings staring into the night sky, wondering exactly the same as we are tonight.
And what does it suggest to you, Holmes?
Holmes: It suggests to me that someone has stolen the ******* tent.
Ducatiboy stu
Well-Known Member
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missychloemon asked:
Do you have any facts about Australia? I have to a school project on their school systems but Im not getting graded on it.
facts-i-just-made-up answered:
Australia and its school systems:
Australia was founded in 1901 by Jimmy “Crocodile” Austral, a deportee of England who was banished for cannibalism, having eaten 32 members of the House of Lords. In accordance with English colonial law, this entitled him to an entire already-inhabited continent.
Austral brought with him his pet rabbit, which was pregnant. Within three years, Australia was completely overrun by rabbits, which lead to Austral building a rabbit proof fence across the country, dividing it into West Australia and New South Wales, the directions North and East were only invented in 1909 and not introduced to Australia in 1921. Most of the rabbits west of the fence evolved into kangaroos, a species which contributed to the invention of the pocket. Most pockets in modern pants are harvested from live kangaroos to this day.
Austral’s son, Dundee Kidman Austral, founded the school system in 1924 as a means to separate native Australians from their children, so they could be more easily abused. About 70,000 hunter gatherers were collected and shipped to “Social Centers for Harrowing Offensive Outrageous Lugubriosity“ or “S.C.H.O.O.L.” where they were viciously broken down and tormented into acting like their insane English overlords. The practice proved so effective at beating children down that it soon caught on in England, then in the rest of Europe, and finally even in America, where schools exist to this day as centers where parents can dump their progeny to be abused in the most nauseating and insulting manners.
Having evolved since those days, presumably with the help of Darwin city, Australia is now a more peaceful land where only 87% of the wildlife is deadly, only 92% of native descendants are subjected to atrocious non-stop abuse, and a mere 99.8% of the English descended population are still cannibals. The school system has also changed over the years to feature more Catholicism.
Australia’s national anthem is “Waltzing Matilda,” a traditional ballad about a homeless man drowning in a puddle. It is currently ruled by Reichskanzler Abbott, a descendant of the Austral family who like his ancestors, lives on a strict diet of human flesh and whole raw onions.
Australia is divided into eight districts:
Australia today thrives on its tourist industry, its pocket industry, and on funds siphoned from “New Zealand,” a set of subsidiary islands to its east where Hobbits are farmed for food and pets. Australia is best known across the world for its didgeridoos, which go like “Oowowowoeowoowowoeow.”
Good luck with your project!
lostchildrenoftheinternet
“The West”
intimatetronnor
As an Australian I can declare that all of this is 100% true. “The West” does actually take up that much space.
Source: facts-i-just-made-up
4,101 notes
Do you have any facts about Australia? I have to a school project on their school systems but Im not getting graded on it.
facts-i-just-made-up answered:
Australia and its school systems:
Australia was founded in 1901 by Jimmy “Crocodile” Austral, a deportee of England who was banished for cannibalism, having eaten 32 members of the House of Lords. In accordance with English colonial law, this entitled him to an entire already-inhabited continent.
Austral brought with him his pet rabbit, which was pregnant. Within three years, Australia was completely overrun by rabbits, which lead to Austral building a rabbit proof fence across the country, dividing it into West Australia and New South Wales, the directions North and East were only invented in 1909 and not introduced to Australia in 1921. Most of the rabbits west of the fence evolved into kangaroos, a species which contributed to the invention of the pocket. Most pockets in modern pants are harvested from live kangaroos to this day.
Austral’s son, Dundee Kidman Austral, founded the school system in 1924 as a means to separate native Australians from their children, so they could be more easily abused. About 70,000 hunter gatherers were collected and shipped to “Social Centers for Harrowing Offensive Outrageous Lugubriosity“ or “S.C.H.O.O.L.” where they were viciously broken down and tormented into acting like their insane English overlords. The practice proved so effective at beating children down that it soon caught on in England, then in the rest of Europe, and finally even in America, where schools exist to this day as centers where parents can dump their progeny to be abused in the most nauseating and insulting manners.
Having evolved since those days, presumably with the help of Darwin city, Australia is now a more peaceful land where only 87% of the wildlife is deadly, only 92% of native descendants are subjected to atrocious non-stop abuse, and a mere 99.8% of the English descended population are still cannibals. The school system has also changed over the years to feature more Catholicism.
Australia’s national anthem is “Waltzing Matilda,” a traditional ballad about a homeless man drowning in a puddle. It is currently ruled by Reichskanzler Abbott, a descendant of the Austral family who like his ancestors, lives on a strict diet of human flesh and whole raw onions.
Australia is divided into eight districts:
- The Capitol
- New South Wales
- Tasmanian South Wales
- Queen’s South Wales
- South South Wales
- North South Wales
- Victorian South Wales
- The West
Good luck with your project!
lostchildrenoftheinternet“The West”
intimatetronnorAs an Australian I can declare that all of this is 100% true. “The West” does actually take up that much space.
Source: facts-i-just-made-up
4,101 notes
DU99
Well-Known Member
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there"... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants".
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari LaFerrari, Tesla Model S, Mercedes AMG, and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back".
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there"... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants".
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari LaFerrari, Tesla Model S, Mercedes AMG, and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back".
DU99
Well-Known Member
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.
She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie "Do you have a size 28 AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted.
Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Err... Have you tried Clearasil?"
She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie "Do you have a size 28 AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted.
Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Err... Have you tried Clearasil?"
DU99
Well-Known Member
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
She started her class by saying "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
DU99
Well-Known Member
The Blond Pilot
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane
with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack
and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk
you through this and get you back on the ground.
I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: . .
.
*"Our Father....Who art in Heaven.......
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane
with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack
and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk
you through this and get you back on the ground.
I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: . .
.
*"Our Father....Who art in Heaven.......
RobW
The Little Abbotsford Craftbrewery
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Grandpa of the year
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for lollies, bickies, all sorts of things. The grandpa is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy boy." The boy has another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there."
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the shopping cart. Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," says the grandpa, "but I am William. This little *******'s name is Kevin."
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for lollies, bickies, all sorts of things. The grandpa is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy boy." The boy has another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there."
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the shopping cart. Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," says the grandpa, "but I am William. This little *******'s name is Kevin."
Coodgee
Well-Known Member
Bob hawke tells an awesome joke. What a bloody legend.https://youtu.be/GesFxg1R4K0
Head building contracter on the egyptian pharaohs new pyramid is showing his son the building site and they come upon a raised bench with the workers sitting and there testicles hanging down and another worker under neath holding two bricks .The son asks whats going on and his father answers that these workers are being punished they take two bricks and give them a good solid whack the son says that must realy hurt and the father answers if you get finger or thumb caught between the bricks you quickly learn to be more carefull .
DU99
Well-Known Member
An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said "We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed".
The clerk winked "You want the 'Bridal'?"
The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it"
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said "We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed".
The clerk winked "You want the 'Bridal'?"
The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it"
