Continuing Jokes Thread

[DU99]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her rear end.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from,
and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before!
All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

 

[DU99]

A boss said to his secretary "I want to have *** with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done."
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, "Do it but ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The B*stard used coins I'm still picking and he is still f**king!"


JOK#E No2



"Nope can't have gas" Stanley told the dentist.
"It makes me vomit".

"OK we'll have to give you a Cocaine Injection instead" said
the dentist.

"Can't have Cocaine, it brings me out in large blue coloured spots, and
my tongue swells up" replied Stanley.

"No problem you can have 200 mm of Viagra" said the dentist.

"Didn't know Viagra is an anesthetic for a pain killer" Stanley said rather surprised.

"It isn't said the dentist • BUT IT WILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO HOLD ON TO
WHEN I PULL THAT WISDOM TOOTH OUT.

 

[RobW]

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."

Lynn Lavner



"*** at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia



"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone



"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods



"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."

Jack Nicholson



" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral ***, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (FormerUS First Lady)



"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams





"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro



"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman



"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"

Jerry Seinfeld



"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a *****, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams



"It's been so long since I've had ***, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers



*** is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin



You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.

Elmo Phillips



" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde



" It isn't premarital *** if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns

 

[DU99]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says,

“Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have ***.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues,

“That means the daddy puts his ***** in the mommy’s ******. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”

The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s ***** in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

 

[flave_7]

Paddy and Murphy waking along the river and they see two blokes with a huge pile of fish.

Paddy asks how they caught so much.

"Simple" said one of the men "you just get your friend to hang you over the bridge and you can just snatch them out the water."

"I wouldn't use this bridge here though, we've got all of the fish here"

So Paddy and Murphy walk further down and find a bridge. Paddy dangles Murphy over the bridge. After an hour he shouts down.

"Anything yet Murphy?"

Murphy shouts back
"Nothing yet but pull me up, there's a fecking train coming!!!"

 

[DU99]

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop".

The girl kept walking.

Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops".

She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!"

Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"

 

[Brew Forky]

She must take after her Mother.

2017 Australian Ford.



2017 Australian Holden.

 

[flave_7]

Touched a nerve @DU99 #awkward

 

[DU99]

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends.

One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.

When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere.

Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!"

St. Peter said "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven".

This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time.

St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.

John looked at St. Peter sceptically and said "Are you sure I'm in the right place?"

"My son" St. Peter said "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!''

 

[DU99]

Three men awaited execution by firing squad in the condemned cell, from which the site of their forthcoming ordeal could be clearly seen.

The first, an Englishman, was taken out and stood against the wall.

As the firing squad raised their rifles, he suddenly shouted "Avalanche!" at the top of his voice.

The soldiers looked about in alarm, threw down their rifles and turned to run.

Taking advantage of the momentary chaos, the Englishman scuttled away as fast as his legs would carry him and escaped.

The second condemned man, a Scot, seeing the success of this ploy, when his turn came shouted "Flood!" with exactly the same highly successful effect, and off he scampered.

The third man, an Irishman, impressed by the initiative of his colleagues, was determined to follow suit.

As the rifles were raised and fingers curled around the triggers, he shouted "Fire!"

 

[H0U5ECAT]

"Our top story today: Convicted hit man Jimmy 'Two-Shoes' McClarty confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first known case of a knickknack paddy-whack."

 

[flave_7]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman get lost in the jungle and get captured by a tribe! They are brought before the chief and told to go out into the jungle and pick 100 of their favourite fruit.

Not much of a punishment they think. The Englishman is back first with 100 grapes.
"Now" says the chief "we will insert these grapes into your bum one by one!"
The Englishman is bent over and 100 grapes are pushing into his bum.

Te Scotsman is next back with 100 plums. He faces the same fate. With only 5 plums left to be inserted he begins to laugh uncontrollably.

The chief confused bellows "What is funny?! You want another hundred plums?!"

The Scotsman says through tears of laughter "No chief, it's just I've seen Paddy coming back with 100 pineapples!"

 

[SBOB]

I went to the zoo today. There was only one animal, a dog... It was a shitzu

 

[Brew Forky]

I went to the zoo today and saw a sign that said "Beware, this Llama spits"... And I was.

 

[DU99]

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea.
She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.
The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much.

After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.

"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."

"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"

"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."


"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that ******** you always wanted?"



and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . .

 

[DU99]

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her and began to feel humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat, and he seemed more amused.

She moved again, and then on her fourth move, he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement that read, "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins." Then she moved under a sign that read, "Sloan's Liniments remove swelling."

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement that read, "William's Stick Did the Trick."

Then I could not control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an advertisement that read, "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident."

The case was dismissed.

 

[DU99]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer.

And at the appropriate point in the process,
She told him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured
He would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
He made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in
P... E... N... I... S

His wife fell off her chair laughing
When the computer replied: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

 

[wynnum1]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer.

And at the appropriate point in the process,
She told him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured
He would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
He made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in
P... E... N... I... S

His wife fell off her chair laughing
When the computer replied: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

And weak.

 

[DU99]

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.

So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Do not worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you".

So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest".

"Do not worry, Maria" says the mother "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you".

So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Do not worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you".

So up she went again.

When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.

When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta" says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

 

[DU99]

Outbound from Dublin, the flight was airborne approximately thirty minutes when the flight attendant nervously made the following, painful announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up one minute prior to take-off, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passangers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience".

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued: "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight".

Her next announcement came 90 minutes later. "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available!"