Continuing Jokes Thread
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TheWiggman
Haters' gonna hate
Two atoms walk into a bar. One says to the other, "I think I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive!"
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much is a beer?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
The tachyon orders a beer. A tachyon walks into a bar.
Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve any noble gases in this bar." Helium doesn't react.
A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve any neutrinos in this bar." The neutrino says, "Don't mind me; I'm just passing through."
A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! There are no superconductors allowed in this bar." The room temperature superconductor leaves without resistance.
I'll be here all week folks...
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much is a beer?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
The tachyon orders a beer. A tachyon walks into a bar.
Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve any noble gases in this bar." Helium doesn't react.
A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve any neutrinos in this bar." The neutrino says, "Don't mind me; I'm just passing through."
A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! There are no superconductors allowed in this bar." The room temperature superconductor leaves without resistance.
I'll be here all week folks...
Potentially Vs. Realistically
A young boy went up to his father and said, “Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to determine the difference between potentially and realistically.
Can you help me?” The father thought for a moment, then answered. “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.” So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” “Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and
realistically?”
The boy replied, “Yes… Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars... But Realistically... We’re living with two sluts and a gay guy.
A young boy went up to his father and said, “Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to determine the difference between potentially and realistically.
Can you help me?” The father thought for a moment, then answered. “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.” So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” “Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and
realistically?”
The boy replied, “Yes… Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars... But Realistically... We’re living with two sluts and a gay guy.
Red Baron
Well-Known Member
mr_wibble
Beer Odd
A uni student from Frankfurt gets a summer job doing night-shift at a lighthouse on the North Sea.Red Baron said:
It's a few weeks into the job, and huge storm has blown up. The winds are howling, and the sea is furious.
Suddeny the radio crackles into life ~
"HELP! HELP! WE ARE SINKING! WE ARE SINKING!"
He picks up the radio hand set, and tentatively pushes the button ~
"Ah yah..."
"But vhat are you sinking about?"
Ditchnbeer
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 8/8/13
- Messages
- 124
- Reaction score
- 45
To continue the German theme:
A young German man is thinking about having a holiday and can't decide on a destination.
His Grandfather says "You must take your best friends with you to Paris!"
The young German asks why.
Grandfather replies "Its is an unbelievable city - you can do whatever you want! Last time I was there my friends and I were at a cafe, and I took fancy to the waitress, so I grabbed her, smashed the table clear and had my way with the waitress right there in front of everyone!"
The young German is suitably impressed with that, and subsequently organises a trip to Paris.
Weeks later, the Grandfather gets a phone call to tell him that his grandson is in hospital, and in a bad way.
The Grandfather visits his grandson in hospital and asks what happened.
The grandson says "I did go to Paris as you suggested. But when I decided to have my way with a waitress at a cafe, all the other diners weren't happy and set upon me, badly beating me unconscious."
Grandfather replies "It is important that you took your best friends - who did you go with?"
Grandson replies "My best 3 friends - Hans, Ernst and Marco. Why, who did you go with Grandfather?"
Grandfather replies "The Gestapo!"
A young German man is thinking about having a holiday and can't decide on a destination.
His Grandfather says "You must take your best friends with you to Paris!"
The young German asks why.
Grandfather replies "Its is an unbelievable city - you can do whatever you want! Last time I was there my friends and I were at a cafe, and I took fancy to the waitress, so I grabbed her, smashed the table clear and had my way with the waitress right there in front of everyone!"
The young German is suitably impressed with that, and subsequently organises a trip to Paris.
Weeks later, the Grandfather gets a phone call to tell him that his grandson is in hospital, and in a bad way.
The Grandfather visits his grandson in hospital and asks what happened.
The grandson says "I did go to Paris as you suggested. But when I decided to have my way with a waitress at a cafe, all the other diners weren't happy and set upon me, badly beating me unconscious."
Grandfather replies "It is important that you took your best friends - who did you go with?"
Grandson replies "My best 3 friends - Hans, Ernst and Marco. Why, who did you go with Grandfather?"
Grandfather replies "The Gestapo!"
wide eyed and legless
Well-Known Member
The European Commission
The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!
Herr Schmidt
The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!
Herr Schmidt
Trevandjo
Well-Known Member
DU99
Well-Known Member
[SIZE=14pt]A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around
the block?'Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does
that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage' .
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu
for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on
the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside
with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep
Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block' .The
little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the
block, so another dog is pushing her home.'[/SIZE]
the block?'Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does
that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage' .
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu
for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on
the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside
with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep
Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block' .The
little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the
block, so another dog is pushing her home.'[/SIZE]
DU99
Well-Known Member
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of
breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This
bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs
and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and
said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,
"This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and
said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with
the same cow."
The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable and
should make a full recovery.
breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This
bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs
and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and
said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,
"This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and
said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with
the same cow."
The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable and
should make a full recovery.
wide eyed and legless
Well-Known Member
At The Antiques Roadshow a punter shows an item to one of the resident experts, saying,'It were in t'attic when me father were a lad, and it were in t'attic when me grandfather were a lad, so I've brought it along here to find out what it is'.
Resident expert replies,'Its your ******* immersion heater'.
Resident expert replies,'Its your ******* immersion heater'.
DU99
Well-Known Member
Right at the end of a Radio 4 program recently, there was a discussion about the
obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of £60 & £100 per game
is not uncommon.
A senior citizen being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the
turnstiles (probably West Ham United): "That will be ten quid, mate".
"What?!" the old gent said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted . . . . .
"Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"
obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of £60 & £100 per game
is not uncommon.
A senior citizen being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the
turnstiles (probably West Ham United): "That will be ten quid, mate".
"What?!" the old gent said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted . . . . .
"Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"
DU99
Well-Known Member
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
DU99
Well-Known Member
An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job. But he knew doctors always made money, so, he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not treated get back $1,000."
A Doctor thinks this is a good chance to scam $1,000 from the fraudster and goes into the clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is petrol!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is petrol!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily, and comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become very weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this.
Here, take this $1,000."
Doctor: "But this is only $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
A Doctor thinks this is a good chance to scam $1,000 from the fraudster and goes into the clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is petrol!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is petrol!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily, and comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become very weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this.
Here, take this $1,000."
Doctor: "But this is only $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
malt and barley blues
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 3/3/12
- Messages
- 625
- Reaction score
- 239
Frank Ifield today launched his comeback as a recording artist with a new single which was penned by Johnny Rotten, its called, I remember you, you *******.
DU99
Well-Known Member
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how did you do?"
"First Place," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine."
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Hillary Clinton?" asked Pinocchio.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how did you do?"
"First Place," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine."
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Hillary Clinton?" asked Pinocchio.
DU99
Well-Known Member
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.
Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he stayed in the Army.
Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.
The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The young officer answered, "Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears."
The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
He replied sheepishly, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw him out also.
The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.
The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses."
The General was very impressed and thought, "What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears." He asked, "Sergeant Major, how did you know I wear contacts?"
"Well, sir," the soldier replied, "it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no effing ears".
Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he stayed in the Army.
Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.
The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The young officer answered, "Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears."
The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
He replied sheepishly, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw him out also.
The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.
The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses."
The General was very impressed and thought, "What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears." He asked, "Sergeant Major, how did you know I wear contacts?"
"Well, sir," the soldier replied, "it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no effing ears".
wide eyed and legless
Well-Known Member
Another Superman joke: Superman was flying around bored to tears, nothing on the crime front so he decides to look around for his super power friends, he gathers a bit of height and its not long before he spots Wonder Woman lying on top of a roof naked with her legs wide apart. He decides he's going to fly down faster than a speeding bullet and give her a large portion and be gone before she knows whats hit her, he carries out his deed and Wonder Woman sits up and says,'What the hell was that.'
The invisible man says, 'I don't know but it didn't half hurt my arse'
The invisible man says, 'I don't know but it didn't half hurt my arse'
