wide eyed and legless
Well-Known Member
A group of Irishmen went out on a Mystery Tour, before they started off they decided to have a sweep to see who could guess where they would be going.
The bus driver won.
The bus driver won.
Continuing Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Bribie G
- Start date
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wide eyed and legless
Well-Known Member
You can never loose a homing pigeon.If your homing pigeon doesn't come back then all you've lost is a pigeon.
Everybody laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now.
Everybody laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now.
DU99
Well-Known Member
[SIZE=16pt]Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine,
you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. 'You may say another two words,
Sister Mary Katherine.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You
may say two words today.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.
'It's probably best', said the Priest, 'You've done fudge all but moan since you've been here.'[/SIZE]
you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. 'You may say another two words,
Sister Mary Katherine.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You
may say two words today.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=16pt]'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.
'It's probably best', said the Priest, 'You've done fudge all but moan since you've been here.'[/SIZE]
DU99
Well-Known Member
flave_7
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Mardoo
Noob What Craps On A Bit
Williamswarn Personal Brewery 
Ducatiboy stu
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Are they mashturbators....Mardoo said:Williamswarn Personal Brewery
Bridges
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May 7th International masturbation day! Celebrate however you want...Ducatiboy stu said:
Breaking news......
Family Court Ruling from Queensland Australia:
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New South Wales state of origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Family Court Ruling from Queensland Australia:
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New South Wales state of origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
MastersBrewery
Journeyman, the learning never stops
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and another to start a 15 page BB thread where again pros and cons are debated resulting in 3 thread cleans by mods 5 posters being awarded warning points and 2 internet troll being banned for life.Mardoo said:
Ducatiboy stu
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I wasnt part of that...
klangers
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Not an original, but I enjoyed nontheless:
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.
DU99
Well-Known Member
This guy was walking through the zoo one day. When he was in front of the gorilla cage he bent down to tie his shoe. He noticed through the corner of his eye that the gorilla had also bent down. Then when he stood back up he saw that the gorilla also stood back up. To see if it was a coincidence, he bent down to tie his other shoe and once again the gorilla bent down. He stood up and the gorilla stood up.
After glancing over his shoulder to make sure that nobody else was around, the man jumped up in the air. And you guessed it, the gorilla jumped up. The man was getting a kick out of it.
He started making faces at the gorilla and the gorilla would copy everything he did. Finally the man got next to the cage and pulled the lower lid of his right eye down. At this point the gorilla reached through the cage pulled the guy in, threw the guy around the cage, beat the **** out of him, then threw him back out of the cage.
After hearing all the commotion, the zookeeper came running over to the man.
"What on earth happened?" asked the zookeeper. "I don't know" said the man. "He seemed calm a second ago. I was jumping around and he was jumping around and he was doing everything I was doing. Then all of sudden after I did this (pulls lower eyelid down) he got all mad and beat the hell out of me". "Well, no wonder!!!" exclaimed the zookeeper. "Pulling your eyelid down means F... YOU in gorilla talk!" "Oh" said the man, not quite satisfied.
He left the zoo but returned an hour later with a large shopping bag. Again, after making sure that no one was watching, he started jumping around and the gorilla did the same. After a minute or two of this he grabbed the bag and pulled out two butcher knives and threw one of them into the cage. He lifted the other knife over his head at which point the gorilla grabbed his knife and also lifted it over his head. After a minute of cutting the air with his knife and watching the gorilla do likewise the man snuck a large salami out of the bag with his other hand and stuck it between his legs. With a sweeping motion he came down with the knife and whacked off the salami "WHACK!!"
At this, the gorilla simply looked at the man and pulled down his eyelid.
After glancing over his shoulder to make sure that nobody else was around, the man jumped up in the air. And you guessed it, the gorilla jumped up. The man was getting a kick out of it.
He started making faces at the gorilla and the gorilla would copy everything he did. Finally the man got next to the cage and pulled the lower lid of his right eye down. At this point the gorilla reached through the cage pulled the guy in, threw the guy around the cage, beat the **** out of him, then threw him back out of the cage.
After hearing all the commotion, the zookeeper came running over to the man.
"What on earth happened?" asked the zookeeper. "I don't know" said the man. "He seemed calm a second ago. I was jumping around and he was jumping around and he was doing everything I was doing. Then all of sudden after I did this (pulls lower eyelid down) he got all mad and beat the hell out of me". "Well, no wonder!!!" exclaimed the zookeeper. "Pulling your eyelid down means F... YOU in gorilla talk!" "Oh" said the man, not quite satisfied.
He left the zoo but returned an hour later with a large shopping bag. Again, after making sure that no one was watching, he started jumping around and the gorilla did the same. After a minute or two of this he grabbed the bag and pulled out two butcher knives and threw one of them into the cage. He lifted the other knife over his head at which point the gorilla grabbed his knife and also lifted it over his head. After a minute of cutting the air with his knife and watching the gorilla do likewise the man snuck a large salami out of the bag with his other hand and stuck it between his legs. With a sweeping motion he came down with the knife and whacked off the salami "WHACK!!"
At this, the gorilla simply looked at the man and pulled down his eyelid.
DU99
Well-Known Member
[SIZE=18pt]BIOLOGY EXAM:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]This is straight from Ireland.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]Students in an advanced Biology class[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]advantages of Mother's Milk.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]wrote:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
ground where the cat can't get it.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]He got an A.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]This is straight from Ireland.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=13.5pt] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]Students in an advanced Biology class[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]advantages of Mother's Milk.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he[/SIZE][SIZE=18pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=18pt]wrote:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
ground where the cat can't get it.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=18pt]He got an A.[/SIZE]
DU99
Well-Known Member
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after its been eaten................it's called wedding cake!
Lethaldog
Well-Known Member
Tasmanian guy takes his daughter to the doctors to have her put on the pill..
Doctor: is she sexually active
Father: nah she just Fucken lies there like her mother!
[emoji2][emoji2]
Doctor: is she sexually active
Father: nah she just Fucken lies there like her mother!
[emoji2][emoji2]
DU99
Well-Known Member
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
wide eyed and legless
Well-Known Member
Two circus performers (man and wife) wanted to adopt a child after much correspondence they finally were called in for an interview, the interviewer looked over the file and asked the couple about accommodation. That's no problem, answered the husband, we have a $380,000 State of the Art motor home. The interviewer then asked about education. The wife answered we had thought about that and are willing to pay for a private tutor. And what sex of the child would you like, asked the interviewer. That makes absolutely no difference to us answered the wife. So said the interviewer what sort of age of the child you would like to adopt.The husband replied the age doesn't matter, as long as it can fit into the cannon.
DU99
Well-Known Member
An Arkansas Farmer got in his pick-up and drove to a neighbouring farm
and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened thedoor.
"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well, said the farmer, "is yer maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here, neither. She went into town with paw."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with maw and paw."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows
where
all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a
message fer paw."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer
paw. It's about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You'd have to talk to Pa
about that. If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the
bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for
Howard."
and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened thedoor.
"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well, said the farmer, "is yer maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here, neither. She went into town with paw."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with maw and paw."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows
where
all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a
message fer paw."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer
paw. It's about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You'd have to talk to Pa
about that. If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the
bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for
Howard."
DU99
Well-Known Member
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If your are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If your are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied, "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied, "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
