How to bath a cat!
You will require 1 assistant, 1 standard British lavatory with seat and lid combo, 1 cup of pet shampoo, 1 first aid kit and 1 cat (soiled unless simply testing, in which case the shampoo may be omitted)
1. Thoroughly dry the toilet pan removing any residual water using a sponge or cloth so that the pan is completely devoid of dampness (optional but safer).
2. Ensure both toilet lids are lifted and that they close quickly without sticking. Test lid to ensure it will bear your weight and that the surface is non-slip. Tie a 4 foot piece of strong twine to the front of the toilet seat using a reef knot and coil neatly on top of the cistern.
3. Obtain the cat and feed him while soothing him gently. Once he has finished eating, lift and carry him gently towards the bathroom making happy noises to allay suspicion.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat headfirst into the toilet pan. This manoeuvre ensures a delay of about .00064 of a nanosecond while the cat attempts to engage reverse. During this delay you should swiftly withdraw your hands and close both lids. Quickly mount the toilet seat, standing on the lid and grasp the twine you previously attached. The cat will now be unable to escape but may attempt to tunnel through the pan. This is normal - ignore.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will, by now, be reaching out for anything they can find to slash. Being within range at this point will be tantamount to changing a bandsaw blade whilst it is running and is not recommended. The proceedings will be accompanied by fiendish noises and flecks of foam. This is normal - ignore all.
5. Ensuring the toilet lids are FIRMLY and irrevocably shut, add 1 cupful of shampoo to the cistern and replace the lid. Checking your balance on the toilet lid(s) quickly flush the toilet. If you have correctly carried out the procedures so far you will notice 2 things. (1) Bubbles will have started to appear around the edge of the toilet rim and (2) Somebody has started the engine of an Kawasaki Z750 inside the toilet pan. This is normal – ignore. (You may also notice an increase in volume from the cat - also ignore).
6. Wait for approximately 15 seconds or until the cistern has refilled and then flush the toilet once more. Repeat three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" ably assisted by the violent circumnavigations of the toilet bowl by the (now) slightly damp cat. This has been demonstrated to be remarkably effective at removing dirt and grime from the pets coat while, coincidentally, leaving the toilet bowl with a mirror-like shine. Ignore the sound effects which will have almost certainly have increased still further; it is quite normal. You may, however, wish to reassure any neighbours that you are not in the process of killing a pig, barbecuing a small child or signalling an imminent bombing raid by the Luftwaffe.
7. Have your assistant open both the toilet door and the door to the outside ensuring that there are no people or breakable objects occupying the shortest trajectory between the toilet pan and the outside and, standing behind the toilet as far as you can, pull quickly on the twine, lifting both lids simultaneously.
8. The now-clean cat will cleverly leave the toilet of his own volition, and go outside where he will dry himself. You may not actually SEE the cat, but he WILL leave the toilet. The passage of the (now clean) cat may be verified by asking the assistant to remain in the hallway prior to the egress phase of the operation, when evidence of blood and torn tissue will bear witness to the cat's passing.
NOTE: It is recommended that you do not repeat this procedure more than once a year as, should the cat realise what is about to happen before you manage to incarcerate him inside the toilet, you may suffer severe lacerations and plumbing damage.
Yours Sincerely,
Fido
You will require 1 assistant, 1 standard British lavatory with seat and lid combo, 1 cup of pet shampoo, 1 first aid kit and 1 cat (soiled unless simply testing, in which case the shampoo may be omitted)
1. Thoroughly dry the toilet pan removing any residual water using a sponge or cloth so that the pan is completely devoid of dampness (optional but safer).
2. Ensure both toilet lids are lifted and that they close quickly without sticking. Test lid to ensure it will bear your weight and that the surface is non-slip. Tie a 4 foot piece of strong twine to the front of the toilet seat using a reef knot and coil neatly on top of the cistern.
3. Obtain the cat and feed him while soothing him gently. Once he has finished eating, lift and carry him gently towards the bathroom making happy noises to allay suspicion.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat headfirst into the toilet pan. This manoeuvre ensures a delay of about .00064 of a nanosecond while the cat attempts to engage reverse. During this delay you should swiftly withdraw your hands and close both lids. Quickly mount the toilet seat, standing on the lid and grasp the twine you previously attached. The cat will now be unable to escape but may attempt to tunnel through the pan. This is normal - ignore.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will, by now, be reaching out for anything they can find to slash. Being within range at this point will be tantamount to changing a bandsaw blade whilst it is running and is not recommended. The proceedings will be accompanied by fiendish noises and flecks of foam. This is normal - ignore all.
5. Ensuring the toilet lids are FIRMLY and irrevocably shut, add 1 cupful of shampoo to the cistern and replace the lid. Checking your balance on the toilet lid(s) quickly flush the toilet. If you have correctly carried out the procedures so far you will notice 2 things. (1) Bubbles will have started to appear around the edge of the toilet rim and (2) Somebody has started the engine of an Kawasaki Z750 inside the toilet pan. This is normal – ignore. (You may also notice an increase in volume from the cat - also ignore).
6. Wait for approximately 15 seconds or until the cistern has refilled and then flush the toilet once more. Repeat three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" ably assisted by the violent circumnavigations of the toilet bowl by the (now) slightly damp cat. This has been demonstrated to be remarkably effective at removing dirt and grime from the pets coat while, coincidentally, leaving the toilet bowl with a mirror-like shine. Ignore the sound effects which will have almost certainly have increased still further; it is quite normal. You may, however, wish to reassure any neighbours that you are not in the process of killing a pig, barbecuing a small child or signalling an imminent bombing raid by the Luftwaffe.
7. Have your assistant open both the toilet door and the door to the outside ensuring that there are no people or breakable objects occupying the shortest trajectory between the toilet pan and the outside and, standing behind the toilet as far as you can, pull quickly on the twine, lifting both lids simultaneously.
8. The now-clean cat will cleverly leave the toilet of his own volition, and go outside where he will dry himself. You may not actually SEE the cat, but he WILL leave the toilet. The passage of the (now clean) cat may be verified by asking the assistant to remain in the hallway prior to the egress phase of the operation, when evidence of blood and torn tissue will bear witness to the cat's passing.
NOTE: It is recommended that you do not repeat this procedure more than once a year as, should the cat realise what is about to happen before you manage to incarcerate him inside the toilet, you may suffer severe lacerations and plumbing damage.
Yours Sincerely,
Fido
