Continuing Jokes Thread

[GregMeady]

A nun is having a shower when she hears the door bell ring.

Rushing to the door she realises that she has forgotten the towel and water is dripping everywhere. Not wanting to hold the person up she shouts "who is it."

The reply is "it's the blind man from the village."

The nun quickly opens the door and lets him in.


He responds "nice ****, where do you want the blinds."

 

[Woong]

I'll never forget my grandfathers last words.
"Stop shaking the ladder you little *******!".

 

[GregMeady]

^^^
My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep.

Wish I could say the same about the passengers in the car he was driving.

 

[ein stein]

How much beer can Stuart Diver drink?


Just under a slab.

(19 years and 11 months since the thredbo landslide today)

 

[GregMeady]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two ********."

"What? He had two ********?" asked the mortician..

"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two ********. "

 

[DU99]

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please". the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.

As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down those stairs.

After a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng.

"Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells at him testily. "No" croaks the feeble old man... "But it's startin' to twitch!"

 

[DU99]

Four friends meet 30 years after school.

One goes to the toilet while the other three start to talk about how successful their sons have become.

The first guy says his son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

Second guy says his son became a pilot, started his own airline and became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.

Third guy says his son became an engineer, started his own development company and became so rich he built his best friend a castle.

The fourth guy came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons had become and ask him about his own son.

He said his son was transsexual and a stripper at a gay bar.

The other three men said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.

"Oh no!" said the man "he is doing great! Last week was his birthday and he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from three of his boyfriends!"

 

[wynnum1]

I'll never forget the terrifying moment I saw my first grey pubic hair ... It was on a kebab

 

[Woong]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she

just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million

to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

The art collector replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day.

Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

 

[ein stein]

This isn't a beer gut - it's a solar panel for a *** machine.

 

[ein stein]

A kiwi farmer counting his sheep: "202, 203, 204, hey babe, 206, 207.."

 

[ein stein]

What sort of animal has a c**t half way up its back?


A police horse.

 

[wide eyed and legless]

Are you opening Christmas Crackers ein stein?

 

[ein stein]

dusted off an old aussie jokes book. what sort of debauched bon-bons are you buying?

 

[GregMeady]

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, ...At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway,

the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another,

all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks,

they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 

[Batz]

Could be my problem.

 

[GregMeady]

Irish Fire Insurance


A man and his wife moved back home to Dublin, from London.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Dublin, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says…

"Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00."

 

[Woong]

Irony : Getting pregnant on a pull-out bed.

 

[GregMeady]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.

Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.

As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper,

wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.

The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her.

She went down, and found the stranger waiting.

Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1

 

[DU99]

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.

Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here. The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?" "Yes" St. Peter replies "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band it really breaks the tranquillity, and if you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished. Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy".

Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks "Who hit the duck?" The guy who had done it admitted "I did". St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks" he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity".

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.

He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks" he said "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity".

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck.

St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen! St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud "I wonder what I did to deserve this?"

The woman responds "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck"