Continuing Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'Humour & Jokes' started by Bribie G, 19/2/09.

 

  1. DU99

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    Posted 1/10/17
    Was recently holidaying in Thailand when 2 girls approached me and asked if I wanted to sleep with them, they said it'd be like winning the lottery..

    .

    To my horror they were right, we had 6 matching balls..
     
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  2. GregMeady

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    Posted 2/10/17
    Adultery: We have fallen


    There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, 'If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!'

    Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had 'fallen.' This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

    About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

    The priest said, 'You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”

    The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

    Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, 'I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week.'

    Amen!
     
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  3. wereprawn

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    Posted 2/10/17
    How do you get a nun pregnant?

    Get an an alter boy to shit in her vagina.
     
  4. Gregos

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    Posted 2/10/17
    What's Black & Tan and looks good on a burgler?...............My German Shepard
     
  5. DU99

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    Posted 7/10/17
    A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar holding his head up high. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
    "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Navy Sea Wolf pilot, flying Huey`s in support of the Navy SEALS, spec war operators back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Sea Wolves, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officers' Club happy hours, so here I am."
    The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.....?
    The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
    The bartender took the old Sea Wolf pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After along pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."
    The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Sea Wolf pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."
    He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. When he finished, he headed for the john.
    When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
    "Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
     
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  6. DU99

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    Posted 7/10/17
    angel and a friend went moose hunting every winter without success.

    Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.

    They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

    The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

    They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

    Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

    When the bull was close enough, angel, in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

    After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the fellow in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

    angel, in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
     
  7. Bridges

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    Posted 9/10/17
    Reminds me of this, from the funniest movie of all time.
     
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  8. GregMeady

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    Posted 17/10/17 at 6:02 AM
    A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

    The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY,"

    where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

    Of course, the woman wanted "The Key." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

    After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.

    But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

    She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."
     
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  9. wide eyed and legless

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    Posted 17/10/17 at 8:39 PM
  10. justatad

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    Posted 17/10/17 at 9:17 PM
    Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I have been
    riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the
    courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in text as I
    cannot
    live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

    The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not
    around. In fact, probably more than you.

    I haven't been getting it at home recently, but I know that's no excuse.
    The temptation was just too great.

    I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my
    sincerest apologies, and forgive me.

    It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

    Regards, Alan.


    NEIGHBOR'S RESPONSE

    Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed. grabbed his gun and shot his neighbor
    dead.

    He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

    Fred then took out his phone where he saw a second message from his
    neighbor, Alan:

    SECOND MESSAGE

    Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.

    Sorry about the typo on my last text.
    I expected that you figured it out anyway, and noticed that darned
    Auto-Correct changed "wi-fi" to "wife."

    That's today's technology for you, hey!

    Regards, Alan
     

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