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Continuing Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'Humour & Jokes' started by Bribie G, 19/2/09.

 

  1. wide eyed and legless

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    Posted 23/1/18
    A Colonel has been to a regimental dinner, had to much to eat and drink and on his way back to his quarters he is sick all down the front of his dress uniform. When he gets back to his quarters he is embarrassed and says to the batman, "A drunken squaddie bumped into me and spewed down the front of my uniform, get it cleaned up and remind me in the morning to give him 28 days jankers"
    The next morning the batman is getting the Colonel dressed, he reminds the Colonel of what he said,
    "You told me sir to remind you to give the squaddie who spewed down the front of your uniform 28 days jankers, but sir if you don't mind me saying I would be giving him 56 days jankers." The Colonel asks the batman, "Why is that" The batman replied, " Because he went and shit in your pants as well"
     
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  2. Barry Black

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    Posted 28/1/18
    Why did Adele cross the road?

    To say hello from the other side!
     
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  3. DU99

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    Posted 30/1/18
    A mathematician is interviewing for a job. The interviewer asks him "You are walking towards your office and running late for a very important meeting and you glimpse a building on fire with people screaming for help. What will you do?"

    The mathematician thinks for a while and replies "People's lives are more important than an office meeting. I would immediately call for a fire brigade and help the trapped to the best of my abilities".

    The interviewer seems to be impressed with the mathematician's answer and moves on to the last question. Just to check his sanity, she asks "And what if the building is not on fire?"

    After a moment of thought, the mathematician replies with confidence "I will set the building on fire. Now, I have reduced it to a problem that I have already solved before!"
     
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  4. DU99

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    Posted 2/2/18
    Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”

    The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”

    The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”

    The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”

    The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”

    The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”

    The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”

    The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”

    The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

    The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.”

    The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!

    I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”

    About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”
     
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  5. DU99

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    Posted 25/2/18
    A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends.
    They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.
    After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
    The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.
    The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
    The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”
    The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plough your land? At night?”
    “No,” the young farmer replied seriously, “Night is when I put the water in the hole.”
     
  6. DU99

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    Posted 3/3/18
    Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

    1. Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
    2. When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
    3. Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
    4. Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
    5. A prison guard is shaving your head.
     
  7. awfulknauful

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    Posted 6/3/18
    Why are Kiwi horses so fast, they have seen what happens to the sheep.
     
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  8. GregMeady

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    Posted 13/3/18
    Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames.

    The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
    You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age,
    We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

    'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

    'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

    'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

    'Down at the car park by the Houses of Parliament.'

    'Same here. Hmm....How do you catch them?'

    'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
    The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
    Them and eat 'em!'

    'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
    Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
    Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.
     
  9. DU99

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    Posted 23/3/18
    Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor phones and says

    "Paddy, you realise you've got sugar diabetes"

    Paddy says, "Nice one, when do I fight him?"
     
  10. DU99

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    Posted 23/3/18
    A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

    The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

    The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

    The girl slapped him soundly.

    “What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

    “Customer feedback.”
     
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  11. wide eyed and legless

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    Posted 23/3/18
    Went to a gig to see The Pretenders, turned out to be a cover band.
     
  12. f00b4r

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    Posted 23/3/18
    Customer: "Have you got that new book about small penises?"
    Librarian: "I don't think it's in yet."
    Customer: "That's the one!"
     
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  13. DU99

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    Posted 22/4/18
    A man from New York City found himself in a spot of bother after the IRS returned his tax return to him due to an incorrectly-answered question.

    One of the questions on his tax return asked him to list his dependents.

    A few days later, they received the following response: “12.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployed deadbeats, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, at least 450 idiots in Congress and numerous others who call themselves politicians, but are in fact nothing of the sort.”

    In a strongly-worded letter accompanying the man’s tax return, the IRS responded: “This answer is completely unacceptable and an insult to this government institution.”

    In turn, he replied: “I thought it was quite detailed. Who did I leave out?”
     
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  14. DU99

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    Posted 22/4/18
    A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
    "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain..."
    "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
    "But, officer, I just wanted to say..."
    "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
    A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
    "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
     
  15. Aksarben

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    Posted 22/4/18
    A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks "Is this stool taken?"
     
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  16. Aksarben

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    Posted 22/4/18
    Two radios with broken antenna were married. Their wedding was great, but the reception was lousy.
     
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  17. Aksarben

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    Posted 22/4/18
    I had a dream last night I was part of my car's muffler system. I woke up totally exhausted.
     
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  18. Aksarben

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    Posted 22/4/18
    Texan walks into a put in Ireland and shouts" I hear you call yourselves drinkers! I've got $1000 for anyone who can down 20 pints of Guinness back to back!" No one in the bar says anything and one guy gets up and leaves. So the Texan orders up a beer. A short time later the man that left the bar comes back and says "Hey mister, are you still offering the $1000 for the 20 pints of Guinness?" "Sure am" says the Texan "Line him up" and the Irishman downs all 20 pints back to back. The Texan gives hime the $1000 and ask.. " Say, just curious, but a little while ago, after my announcement, you got up and left. Where did you go?" Irishman says, "Oh, I went to the pub across the street just to make sure I could do it."
     
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  19. Aksarben

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    Posted 22/4/18
    I'm not addicted to brake fluid. I can stop whenever I want.
     
  20. Aksarben

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    Posted 22/4/18
    Have you heard of a new band, "The Megabytes"? They're bummed they haven't gotten one Gig yet.
     

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