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Continuing Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'Humour & Jokes' started by Bribie G, 19/2/09.

 

  1. Tricky Dicky

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    Posted 22/7/18
    I used to be heavily addicted to doing the Hokey Pokey but after some prolonged therapy I've managed to turn myself around and that's what it's all about.
     
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  2. Ronwales

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    Posted 22/7/18
    Went to the perth zoo the other day and too my surprise there was not a animal insight!
    Just one dog, that's it....
    It was a shih-tzu!
     
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  3. justatad

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    Posted 22/7/18
    Possums Theory in Church.....


    The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their Possum infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the possums were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

    At the Baptist church, the possums had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the possums drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many possums showed up the following week.

    The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their possums and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the possums were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

    But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the possums and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

    Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first possum and circumcised him. They haven't seen a possum since.
     
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  4. wide eyed and legless

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    Posted 24/7/18
    I can see a lot of crackers have been opened for Christmas in July.:)
     
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  5. Grmblz

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    Posted 25/7/18
    Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,

    "I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend."

    The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

    "A ****," Paddy replies.



    A wealthy benefactor to a Testicle Disorder Hospital was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

    "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

    The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

    "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

    As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

    Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

    Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, private health cover."
     
  6. Woong

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    Posted 1/8/18
    A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre.

    So the barman gave her one.
     
  7. DU99

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    Posted 25/8/18
    A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
    Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!'

    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, 'You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap.'
     
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  8. wide eyed and legless

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    Posted 25/8/18
    I saw that coming.
     
  9. DU99

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    Posted 26/8/18
    A crusty old biker from out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

    As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

    COLD BEER : $2.00
    MEAT PIE : $2.25
    BACON & EGG PIE : $2.50
    BURGER WITH THE WORKS : $3.50
    HAND JOB : $50.00

    Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
    female barmaid who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

    She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.

    "Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

    The old biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lass," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

    She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I am".

    The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a Meat Pie"
     
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  10. Ronwales

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    Posted 27/8/18
    Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods are in the toilet using the same urinal, Bill turns to Tiger and says "Hey tiger how in the hell do you get your penis so swollen , that things huge!" Tiger responds "will every night before I make love I take of my pants and I hit my penis on the bed post 5 times as hard as possible!" Bill says "wow Tiger I'm going to have to try that". That night he goes home to Hilary, removes his trousers and smashes his penis against the bed post 5 times boom,boom,boom,boom and boom!
    Hilary rolls over and says "Tiger is that you?" :)
     
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  11. wide eyed and legless

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    Posted 27/8/18
    A sailor on watch during a particular stormy evening, noticed the captain come out of his cabin and start having a chunder over the port side, the captains night shirt blew up in the breeze and the watchman couldn't contain himself after being at sea for three months. He dashed across the deck and entered the captain, saying, "Sorry sir, it must have been the roll of the ship" to which the captain replied, "Fucking hell, I thought it was a roll of lino"
     
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