Ronwales
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 11/9/17
- Messages
- 253
- Reaction score
- 103
Went to the perth zoo the other day and too my surprise there was not a animal insight!
Just one dog, that's it....
It was a shih-tzu!
Continuing Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Bribie G
- Start date
Help Support Australia & New Zealand Homebrewing Forum:
Just one dog, that's it....
It was a shih-tzu!
justatad
Well-Known Member
Possums Theory in Church.....
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their Possum infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the possums were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the possums had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the possums drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many possums showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their possums and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the possums were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the possums and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first possum and circumcised him. They haven't seen a possum since.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their Possum infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the possums were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the possums had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the possums drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many possums showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their possums and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the possums were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the possums and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first possum and circumcised him. They haven't seen a possum since.
wide eyed and legless
Well-Known Member
I can see a lot of crackers have been opened for Christmas in July.
Grmblz
Well-Known Member
Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,
"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend."
The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"
"A ****," Paddy replies.
A wealthy benefactor to a Testicle Disorder Hospital was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral *** on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, private health cover."
"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend."
The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"
"A ****," Paddy replies.
A wealthy benefactor to a Testicle Disorder Hospital was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral *** on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, private health cover."
DU99
Well-Known Member
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, 'You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap.'
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, 'You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap.'
wide eyed and legless
Well-Known Member
I saw that coming.
DU99
Well-Known Member
A crusty old biker from out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER : $2.00
MEAT PIE : $2.25
BACON & EGG PIE : $2.50
BURGER WITH THE WORKS : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female barmaid who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.
"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The old biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lass," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I am".
The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a Meat Pie"
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER : $2.00
MEAT PIE : $2.25
BACON & EGG PIE : $2.50
BURGER WITH THE WORKS : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female barmaid who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.
"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The old biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lass," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I am".
The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a Meat Pie"
Ronwales
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 11/9/17
- Messages
- 253
- Reaction score
- 103
Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods are in the toilet using the same urinal, Bill turns to Tiger and says "Hey tiger how in the hell do you get your ***** so swollen , that things huge!" Tiger responds "will every night before I make love I take of my pants and I hit my ***** on the bed post 5 times as hard as possible!" Bill says "wow Tiger I'm going to have to try that". That night he goes home to Hilary, removes his trousers and smashes his ***** against the bed post 5 times boom,boom,boom,boom and boom!
Hilary rolls over and says "Tiger is that you?"
Hilary rolls over and says "Tiger is that you?"
wide eyed and legless
Well-Known Member
A sailor on watch during a particular stormy evening, noticed the captain come out of his cabin and start having a chunder over the port side, the captains night shirt blew up in the breeze and the watchman couldn't contain himself after being at sea for three months. He dashed across the deck and entered the captain, saying, "Sorry sir, it must have been the roll of the ship" to which the captain replied, "******* hell, I thought it was a roll of lino"
david196520
New Member
Joke:
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
A: Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
Hahahahahahaha
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
A: Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
Hahahahahahaha
jackgym
Well-Known Member
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jaden, the 9 year old next
door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Jaden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID Ten T error?
What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Jaden said. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
No,’ I replied. ‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T
door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Jaden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID Ten T error?
What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Jaden said. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
No,’ I replied. ‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T
Tony Spalding
New Member
Two blondes walked into the bar. You'd think the second one would notice.
I don't get it!
I'm guessing you're a blond yourself.
No.
No. Grey: used to be mousy.
DU99
Well-Known Member
Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver
.
Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
A: The road!
.
Q: What word is always spelled wrong in the Dictionary?
A: Wrong.
.
Q: Why did the chicken get a penalty?
A: For fowl play
.
Q: What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A: Look grandpa, no hands!
A: A taxi driver
.
Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
A: The road!
.
Q: What word is always spelled wrong in the Dictionary?
A: Wrong.
.
Q: Why did the chicken get a penalty?
A: For fowl play
.
Q: What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A: Look grandpa, no hands!
Danscraftbeer
Well-Known Member
You gotta be farkin kidding me!
There has to be better than saved Christmas cracker jokes.
Do you guys actually save Christmas Cracker jokes?
That is a funny joke in itself.
but kinda sad and depressing too.
There has to be better than saved Christmas cracker jokes.
Do you guys actually save Christmas Cracker jokes?
That is a funny joke in itself.
but kinda sad and depressing too.
Frothy Boi
Well-Known Member
My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievably sexy sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered to me 'we should have *** while my sister isn't home. I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I found my girlfriend standing by the door, she hugged me and said 'you've won my trust'. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car
