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Continuing Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'Humour & Jokes' started by Bribie G, 19/2/09.

 

  1. wide eyed and legless

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    Posted 17/2/19
    So, now we know.

    I was watching the London Marathon, I saw one guy dressed as a chicken and another as an egg. I thought now this could be interesting.
     
    Last edited: 17/2/19
    Woong and Chods1 like this.
  2. DU99

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    Posted 18/2/19
    A man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him.

    "What colour?" they asked. He settled for white.

    "How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty-four dollars".

    'Expensive, but okay' he thought.

    All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.

    "Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?" "No" he said "nothing like that". "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles". He thought long and hard and then looked up and said "Eggs, fried, on a plate”
     
    Chods1 likes this.
  3. DU99

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    Posted 18/2/19
    A huge lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

    "Take a couple swings at that tree over there" the foreman said.

    The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.

    "Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here". The foreman points out a much larger tree.

    One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.

    "That's incredible!" Cried the foreman. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"

    "In the Sahara Forest" replied the lumberjack.

    "Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" asked the foreman.

    "That's why I'm here!!"
     
    Chods1 likes this.
  4. wide eyed and legless

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    Posted 18/2/19
    My wife told me sex is better while on holiday. I hate it when she sends me postcards like that.
     
  5. Chods1

    Chuggin Charlie. Pro

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    Posted 19/2/19
    HAHA
     
  6. razz

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    Posted 19/2/19
    That reminds me of.
    “How do you piss the wife off during sex?”
    “Ring her up!”
     
    wide eyed and legless likes this.
  7. wide eyed and legless

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    Posted 19/2/19
    Yeah, if it doesn't put her off it might put the guy off.
     
  8. Feldon

    caveat brasiator

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    Posted 20/2/19
    Or try the rodeo method.

    During sex whisper in her ear, "You're not as tight as your sister."

    Then see if you can stay on for seven seconds.
     
    razz likes this.
  9. DU99

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    Posted 12/3/19
    What is the difference between girls/women aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?
    At 8: You take her to bed and tell her a story

    At 18: You tell her a story and take her to bed

    At 28: You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed

    At 38: She tells you a story and takes you to bed

    At 48: She tells you a story to avoid going to bed

    At 58: You stay in bed to avoid her story

    At 68: If you take her to bed, that'll be a story

    At 78: What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?
     
  10. Woong

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    Posted 26/3/19
    upload_2019-3-26_9-7-50.png
     
  11. Woong

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    Posted 30/3/19
    facebook_1553905770079.jpg
     
  12. Luchadore Brewer

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    Posted 31/3/19
    A bloke walks into a bar and sees his mate sipping his beer through a straw. He had a split lip, a black eye, arm in a sling, and crutches under each arm, but the biggest eye catcher was the shiny red lump on his forehead that would put a cricket ball to shame. Bloke slides a beer to his mate and asks him "What the bloody hell happened to you?!"
    "Maaate, you wouldn't believe it." he recounts with a single tear in his good eye. "A couple of hours ago I arrived here just as a blind guy and his guide dog was leaving the bar. Before he left, his bastard dishlicker left a throbbin great turd on the floor just over there." he indicated to the squashed stain in the carpet. "So I'm walking in as soon as they're going out of the pub. I didn't see it, but the barmaid says I stepped on the shit, skidded across the floor, and crashed head-on into the bar. That's where I got this." pointing to the almost toffee apple-like red lump on his head.
    "Shit, mate." said the bloke as he listened to the story, trying not to stare at the Christmas bauble hanging off his mate's head. "That explains the lump, what about the rest of you?" he asked.
    "Yeah, that" his mate sighed and took a sip from his beer, "I'd already finished my first beer and into the bar stomps the 150kg bikie. Well, before the barmaid could warn him he plants his boot on the wrong spot, and he's skidding across the floor and slams into the bar. I swear even the lights shook when he stopped. And when he got up he had a lump on his forehead just as big as mine. "WHO DID THAT?!" he roars. And well, me not thinkin' stands up and says "I did!"
     
  13. Luchadore Brewer

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    Posted 31/3/19
    The Aussie Army was experiencing huge (Darryl Eastlake type Huge) budget cuts due to "The recession Australia had to have" (and apparently never ended)…
    Anyway, a government representative and a General are inspecting the field medical facilities in the Middle East with a renowned military doctor.
    "As you can see" explained the doctor, "We've aimed to keep our spending down, and being a field hospital we've had to improvise a lot of our treatments. But I can safely say that we are within our budget. The soldiers are so motivated by the medical treatments here on offer they'll do anything to avoid injury in the field."
    "Amazing." said the government rep as he poured over the financial figures, "According to this, not only is your unit under budget, but you're the only unit in this territory that's actually in surplus. I have to know how you do it!"
    "Right this way, gentlemen." said the doctor ushering them down a hall of tents. The stop at a bay of tents, and the doctor introduces them to one of his patients.
    "This man seems fit and ready for active service, what's he doing here?" asked the General.
    "Jekins, sir. Major" answered the patient, " I was admitted with a prolonged case of constipation."
    "Which resulted in the worst case of piles I've ever seen in 20 years of medicine. But thanks to our treatment, he's on the mend." added the doctor.
    "I see, and how are you treating this, doctor?" asked the General.
    "A wire brush, and dettol, sir" answered the doctor.
    The General asked the soldier "Jenkins, what are your goals?"
    "To return to active service, sir" he answered

    The doctor leads them to the next tent where another soldier in seemingly good health is in his bunk.
    "What's your ailment, Major...?" asked the General.
    "Russell, sir. I had accumulated a lot of leave and I spent it the only way I knew how. I must have visited every brothel, cathouse, bordello, and back alley in the territory." answered the patient
    "Major Russell seems to have caught serious cases of almost every STI there is. Herpes. Gonorrhoea. Chlamydia. And those are just the ones we know about." explained the doctor as he handed the General a large list of Major Russell's infections.
    "How are we treating this?" asked the General.
    "A wire brush and dettol, sir" answered the doctor.
    The General asked the soldier "Russell, what are your goals?"
    "To return to active service, sir" he answered.

    The doctor then leads them to a third tent where a soldier is laying in his bunk with a pained expression.
    "Ah, let me guess." said the government rep "This soldier has already been treated with the wire brush and dettol?"
    "Lieutenant Gordon?" said the doctor, "Oh my, no. Gordon here has a case of severe tonsillitis that's so extreme he had to be admitted."
    "How are we treating this?" asked the General.
    "A wire brush and dettol, sir" answered the doctor.
    "What are your goals, Lieutenant Gordon?"
    Gordon reaches for a pen and paper, scribbles a note, points to the other two tents and hands it to the General.
    The General reads aloud "To get the wire brush and dettol before those dirty bastards!"
     
  14. Woong

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    Posted 16/4/19
    On a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.
    I have a meeting at the bank shortly, and if I'm successful, I'll be out of debt and own everything I have now!
    I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.....
     
    Lager Bloke likes this.
  15. Milhouse

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    Posted 17/4/19
    A lonely traveller is exploring Los Angeles whilst on a layover. As it becomes dark he finds himself in an affluent but secluded suburb. As it is away from the tourist traps he sees no hotels or taxis, only mansions. He walks up to the door of a four story dwelling that looked indistinguishable from the surrounding houses and knocks on the door. A wizened old Chinese man answers the door. The traveller pleads, “Please sir I am lost and need a place to stay. Could you possibly give me a bed for the night? I am happy to pay for your inconvenience.” He proceeds to explain how he ended up in the predicament.



    After several seconds of careful thought the old man says, “I would be happy to let you stay tonight, in fact I don't expect any payment. However you must promise not to touch my daughter. If you do I will subject you to the worst Chinese tortures known to man.” The traveler hastily agrees. “Great, we are about to have dinner please join us.” said the old man.



    As the traveller sits down at the table the old man’s daughter enters. The traveller immediately is stunned by her appearance and the two proceed to eye each other off all through dinner. Afterwards he is shown up to his room on the top floor, across the hall from the daughters room. After an hour or so he sneaks into the daughters room and they proceed to engage in nocturnal activities.



    The traveller then sneaks back to his room, comfortable with the thought he had managed to not wake the old man. He woke several hours later, and prior to opening his eyes could feel an incredible weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and it soon became apparent why, there was a large boulder on his chest. It had a note attached reading “Chinese torture no. ! - Big arse rock on chest.



    “**** this.” He thought as he heaved it out the window not far from him. He immediately noticed a rope tied to the boulder coming back in the window with a note attached that read “Chinese torture no. 2 – left testicle tied to rock.” “Shit, a few broken bones isn't as bad as having my nut ripped off” he thought as he jumped out the window, only to see another rope leading back up with a note, “Chinese torture no. 3 – Right testicle tied to bedpost.
     
    Lager Bloke likes this.
  16. Woong

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    Posted 10/5/19
    My girlfriend is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
     
    Garfield, Mike Williams and Grmblz like this.
  17. Woong

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    Posted 15/5/19
    The problem with political jokes is that sometimes they get elected!
     
  18. DU99

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    Posted 16/5/19
    Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the US prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said that in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
     
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