Continuing Jokes Thread

[Redreuben]

"Nurse, Nurse ! " the patient cried, " I've got a problem with my *****" The nurse came over with a cynical look on her face and said "well you'd better show it to me then"

So the guy drops his pyjamas to reveal a ***** the size of a AAA battery, the nurse just cracks up laughing but quickly regains her composure and says " I'm sorry that was very unprofessional of me, what seems to be the problem sir ?"
"It's swollen"

 

[wide eyed and legless]

Wilbur and Zeke go hunting the Shiras Moose in the Rocky mountains, they hire a plane and land close to the hunting site. Zeke instructs the pilot to be back to pick them up in 3 days, the pilot returns 3 days later and Wilbur and Zeke are waiting with a kill of 4 moose. The pilot says there is no way he can load 4 moose onto the plane as he was worried about the weight, Zeke says the pilot we had last year loaded the 4 moose on the plane without any argument. The pilot relents against his better judgement and they load the plane with the 4 moose, one hour into the flight the plane crash lands, Zeke asks Wilbur where he thinks they are to which Wilbur replies, '*********, we're at about the same place we crashed last year'

 

[Woong]

Q: How do you milk sheep?

A: Launch a new I phone and charge $1300 for it

 

[wide eyed and legless]

A young guy gets sentenced to prison for 6 months, as he is being taken away he is dreading the thought of what could happen to him. He is shown to his cell which he is sharing with a huge guy. He is lying on the bottom bunk with the blanket pulled up below his chin, when a pair of well muscled legs swing over from the top bunk. A deep voice says, "Right new starter, do you want to be Mummy, or do you want to be Daddy" The young guy says a silent prayer for the reprieve, he says, "I'll be Daddy"
The deep voice says, "Great, climb up here and suck Mummy's ****"

 

[DU99]

Fahrenheit was born on this day in 1686. He was an annoying man.
It was by asking people what he should do with his invention that
he discovered the rectal thermometer.

 

[DU99]

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again!


The local paper read: PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ***


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.


The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN


The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.


The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS *** FOR $10


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.


The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE


The bishop was buried the next day.

 

[DU99]

A Police officer stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor.

He told the farmer "I have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now". The old timer said "Okay officer, but please don't go in that field over there". as he pointed out the location.

The cop verbally exploded saying " Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me!" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face.

"See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish... On any land!

No questions asked! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!"


The farmer nodded politely, apologised, he continued working on his tractor.


A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.


The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

 

[Bushbear]

For those who believe in horoscopes this is serious!

During his routine medical check, Paddy asked the doctor,

"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."

Paddy said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

"Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke

in your arse."

 

[justatad]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

 

[DU99]

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft.

The lawyer tells the crusty old judge "Your Honour, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high-speed modem". "High-speed modem?" questions the judge. "Yes" replies the lawyer "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex". "Cybersex?" says the judge "You mean *** through a modem? You mean *** on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! *** should be a natural event of nature!"

"Secondly, my lord" continues the lawyer "My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed CD-ROM". "12-speed CD-ROM?" queries the judge. "Yes, your Honour, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk".

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related? Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling" comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days".

"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is". "That's the one with the silicone ****s and real hair" replies the judge.

 

[DU99]

A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink..?"

Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said "Give the ballerina another drink..!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, George, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina..?"

The drunk replied "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

 

[wide eyed and legless]

The worlds first tongue twister champion has recently been arrested, it appears he could be facing a really tough sentence.

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia with telepathy, I hear you ask.

A cowboy walks into a saloon, he demands to know who painted his horse green. A larger meaner looking cowboy said, 'I painted your horse green' The first cowboy said, 'Well can I borrow your paintbrush, you missed a bit behind the ears'.

 

[Woong]

Waitress approaches a table and says to the man, "are you ready to order sir? ".
"Well my wife's just gone to the toilet actually" he replies.
"Oh that's ok. Do you know what she's having?" she asks.
"Well" said the man, "she's been gone 10 minute's so my guess is a crap! "

 

[Chods1]

A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink..?"

Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said "Give the ballerina another drink..!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, George, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina..?"

The drunk replied "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

HAHAHAHA. Love it

 

[DU99]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married!" The man says happily "OK!" AWESOME!" The woman says "GOOD... get your own damn blanket!!!

 

[DU99]

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: "All 40 accounted for". "But I only have 36 sheep" says the farmer. "I know" says the sheepdog. "But I rounded them up".

 

[Woong]

 

[awfulknauful]

A guy walks into a bar with a six shooter, brandishing it above his head he asks, Who in here has been sleeping with my wife. A voice from the back says, Have you got enough ammo?

 

[Woong]

A chicken walks into a bar.
Barman says "sorry, we don't serve your kind in here. But the bar across the road does".

 

[wide eyed and legless]

A chicken walks into a bar.
Barman says "sorry, we don't serve your kind in here. But the bar across the road does".

So, now we know.

I was watching the London Marathon, I saw one guy dressed as a chicken and another as an egg. I thought now this could be interesting.