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Continuing Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'Humour & Jokes' started by Bribie G, 19/2/09.

 

  1. Frothy Boi

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    Posted 11/10/18
    My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievably sexy sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered to me 'we should have sex while my sister isn't home. I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I found my girlfriend standing by the door, she hugged me and said 'you've won my trust'. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car
     
    scomet, Roosterboy, altone and 3 others like this.
  2. Redreuben

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    Posted 24/10/18
    "Nurse, Nurse ! " the patient cried, " I've got a problem with my penis" The nurse came over with a cynical look on her face and said "well you'd better show it to me then"

    So the guy drops his pyjamas to reveal a penis the size of a AAA battery, the nurse just cracks up laughing but quickly regains her composure and says " I'm sorry that was very unprofessional of me, what seems to be the problem sir ?"
    "It's swollen"
     
    Peterbrew likes this.
  3. wide eyed and legless

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    Posted 12/11/18
    Wilbur and Zeke go hunting the Shiras Moose in the Rocky mountains, they hire a plane and land close to the hunting site. Zeke instructs the pilot to be back to pick them up in 3 days, the pilot returns 3 days later and Wilbur and Zeke are waiting with a kill of 4 moose. The pilot says there is no way he can load 4 moose onto the plane as he was worried about the weight, Zeke says the pilot we had last year loaded the 4 moose on the plane without any argument. The pilot relents against his better judgement and they load the plane with the 4 moose, one hour into the flight the plane crash lands, Zeke asks Wilbur where he thinks they are to which Wilbur replies, 'Goddammit, we're at about the same place we crashed last year'
     
    Peterbrew and Lager Bloke like this.
  4. Woong

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    Posted 5/12/18
    Q: How do you milk sheep?

    A: Launch a new I phone and charge $1300 for it
     
  5. wide eyed and legless

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    Posted 10/12/18 at 6:00 AM
    A young guy gets sentenced to prison for 6 months, as he is being taken away he is dreading the thought of what could happen to him. He is shown to his cell which he is sharing with a huge guy. He is lying on the bottom bunk with the blanket pulled up below his chin, when a pair of well muscled legs swing over from the top bunk. A deep voice says, "Right new starter, do you want to be Mummy, or do you want to be Daddy" The young guy says a silent prayer for the reprieve, he says, "I'll be Daddy"
    The deep voice says, "Great, climb up here and suck Mummy's cock"
     
    Ronwales likes this.
  6. DU99

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    Posted 11/12/18 at 10:52 PM
    Fahrenheit was born on this day in 1686. He was an annoying man.
    It was by asking people what he should do with his invention that
    he discovered the rectal thermometer.
     
    Garfield likes this.
  7. DU99

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    Posted 11/12/18 at 10:54 PM
    The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again!


    The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT


    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


    The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS


    This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.


    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN


    The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.


    The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10


    This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.


    The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE


    The bishop was buried the next day.
     
  8. DU99

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    Posted 11/12/18 at 10:56 PM
    A Police officer stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor.

    He told the farmer "I have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now". The old timer said "Okay officer, but please don't go in that field over there". as he pointed out the location.

    The cop verbally exploded saying " Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me!" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face.

    "See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish... On any land!

    No questions asked! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!"


    The farmer nodded politely, apologised, he continued working on his tractor.


    A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.


    The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
     
  9. Bushbear

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    Posted 15/12/18 at 9:51 AM
    For those who believe in horoscopes this is serious!

    During his routine medical check, Paddy asked the doctor,

    "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"

    "I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."

    Paddy said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

    "Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke

    in your arse."
     

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