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Continuing Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'Humour & Jokes' started by Bribie G, 19/2/09.

 

  1. Drewgong

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    Posted 22/4/18
    A big angry biker standing 6"9 140kg angrily walks into a bar looking for a fight. The biker yells " EVERYONE ONE THIS SIDE OF THE BAR IS A COCKSUCKER AND EVERYONE ON THIS SIDE OF THE BAR IS A MUTHER FUCKER ANYONE GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? An old man from the right side of the bar gets up and starts walking toward the biker. "YOU GOT A PROBLEM OLD MAN" yelled the biker, no replied the old man "I'm just on the wrong side of the room.
     
    malt and barley blues likes this.
  2. jackgym

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    Posted 22/4/18
    Paddy and Mick decided to go to London to donate sperm.
    The trip was a complete disaster.
    Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus.
     
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  3. Woong

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    Posted 25/4/18
    Never employ a one armed Butler.
    They can take it, but they can't dish it out!
     
  4. DU99

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    Posted 13/5/18
    An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
    The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
    As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
    The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
    Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.”
    They then decided they both would walk!
    Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
    So they both rode the donkey.
    Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
    The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
    As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

    **The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.**
     
    Garfield and bungers like this.
  5. DU99

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    Posted 13/5/18
    A drunk is in a bar, lying on the floor and looking the worse for wear.

    Other patrons decide to be Good Samaritans and take him home.
    They pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door.
    On the way to the car, he falls down three times.
    When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times.

    Mission accomplished, they prop him against the doorjamb and ring the doorbell.
    Here's your husband! they exclaim proudly.
    *Where's his wheelchair?* asks the puzzled wife.
     
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  6. Chods1

    Chuggin Charlie.

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    Posted 13/5/18
    A Ghost walks into a bar and asks for a glass of rum. The barman says sorry we don't serve Spirits here!
     
  7. Grmblz

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    Posted 14/5/18
    A good oldie!





    A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

    The waitress asks them for their orders.

    The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' - 'Sounds great, the same,' says the emu.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

    The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A burger, chips and a coke.' - 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

    Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

    'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Brilliant idea, same for me,' says the emu.

    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60'

    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress cannot hold back any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

    'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

    'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

    'That's right. Whether it's a carton of milk or a new car, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
    Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'






    The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
     
    malt and barley blues and razz like this.
  8. DU99

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    Posted 1/7/18
    A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you". The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die". The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married?"
     
  9. Chods1

    Chuggin Charlie.

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    Posted 1/7/18
    What deep things retired men think. I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

    My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

    Finally I pondered an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

    Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

    I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
     
  10. Chods1

    Chuggin Charlie.

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    Posted 1/7/18
    Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

    He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

    She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

    The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

    She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

    The defense attorney almost died.

    The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.”
     
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  11. Chods1

    Chuggin Charlie.

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    Posted 1/7/18
    A woman goes to the Doctor in
    Glasgow, worried about her husband’s
    temper and threatening manner. The
    Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
    The woman says: "Weeell Doctor
    Cameron, I dinnae know what to do.
    Every time ma auld man comes home
    drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
    The Doctor says: "Aye, well.... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
    Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
    She says: "Doctor that was a brilliant! Evrae time ma auld man came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an'
    swished, and he didnae touch me even
    once! Tell me Doc....wha's the secret?
    How's the water do that?" The Doctor
    says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big
    secret. The water does nothin’… it's
    keeping your mouth shut that does the
    trick...."
     
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  12. Quokka42

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    Posted 1/7/18
    The Canadian Club is one of the oldest brothels in Melbourne...
     
  13. Ronwales

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    Posted 1/7/18
    Heard this one at wrk the other day hope you enjoy as much as i did lol!

    I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where's the rake?"

    She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"

    I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said, "What?"

    I repeated the gestures: "EYE KNEE THE RAKE."

    My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her bum, and finally to her crotch.

    Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

    She replied, "EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH."
     
  14. DU99

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    Posted 10/7/18 at 8:01 AM
    A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

    And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, (so that he's on the same level with her), and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabbit?"

    She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't fink my pyfon weally cares."
     
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  15. Tricky Dicky

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    Posted 11/7/18 at 3:48 AM
    How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?







    Wi jammin.
     
  16. Tricky Dicky

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    Posted 11/7/18 at 3:56 AM
    A guy goes to the pet shop to buy 10 Bees which he takes home in a jar.
    When he gets home he counts the bees and realises he has 11 not 10 bees. So he rings the guy at the pet shop and says "You've given me 11 bees and I only paid for 10?" The pet shop guy replies "That's OK sir that's your freebee"
     
  17. Tricky Dicky

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    Posted 11/7/18 at 4:02 AM
    Well you guys should know that with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the life and death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

    Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part, for his family, was getting him into the coffin.

    They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
     
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