Continuing Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'Humour & Jokes' started by Bribie G, 19/2/09.

 

  1. DU99

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    Posted 24/7/17
    Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.

    Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here. The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?" "Yes" St. Peter replies "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band it really breaks the tranquillity, and if you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished. Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy".

    Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

    St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks "Who hit the duck?" The guy who had done it admitted "I did". St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks" he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity".

    The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.

    He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks" he said "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity".

    The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck.

    St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen! St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

    The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud "I wonder what I did to deserve this?"

    The woman responds "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck"
     
  2. Mardoo

    Noob What Craps On A Bit

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    Posted 24/7/17
    i might be able to live with that...
     
  3. Woong

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    Posted 24/7/17
    Went to the doctor the other week. Bastard gave me 2 weeks to live. So I shot him.
    Judge gave me 30 years.
     
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  4. technobabble66

    Meat Popsicle

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    Posted 30/7/17
    Have you heard about an evil group of men that control the world's cheese industry?

    ...





    The Hallouminati.
     
  5. ein stein

    Well-Known Member

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    Posted 5/8/17
    why is drinking carlton like screwing in a boat?




    they're both f**king close to water!
     
  6. Camo6

    Relax? Don't worry?? It's not just an internet for

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    Posted 5/8/17
    Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of them.

    "You have died my son, of alcohol poisoning" says St. Peter. Dave is obviously distraught and begs and pleads with the saint to be given another chance at life.

    "Well..." says St. Peter, thumbing through his saintly handbook, "There is a little known rule which might help. Apparently you can be reincarnated in special circumstances if you wish, but only as a dog or as a chicken I'm afraid.." Dave, living next door to a chicken farm, agrees to be reincarnated as a chicken, at least so he can still see his wife.

    BOOM, the man is suddenly now a chicken, pecking around the chicken farm. A rooster approaches him and says "Hey! You must be the new arrival here! How's everything going?" "Pretty good" says Dave, "though my stomach feels a bit funny.." "Well you're obviously about to lay an egg! Give it a try; push one out!" So Dave wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and out pops a nice egg!

    "That felt great!" thinks Dave, "I think I'll lay another one!" So again he wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and then !!BANG!! His wife angrily slaps him on the back of his head and screams in a rage: "For Christ's sake David!! You've shit the bed again!!!"
     
  7. Mardoo

    Noob What Craps On A Bit

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    Posted 5/8/17
    Clearly you need to get down to the Foragers Drop for a drink.
     
  8. Woong

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    Posted 9/8/17
    The wife asked me to toast some bread.
    I raised my glass and said "Here's to bread"!
     
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  9. GregMeady

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    Posted 9/8/17
    A penguin is driving his car in the desert. All of sudden his car breaks down.
    Luckily, he's pretty close to gas station. So he waddles behind his car and pushes it to the gas station. He asks the mechanic to take a look and find the problem.
    Mechanic tells him to come back in 30 minutes. So the penguin is getting hot being in the desert and all, and decides to find something to cool him off. He goes in the convenience store and buys some vanilla ice cream. Finally he goes back to the mechanic to find out the problem.
    Mechanic says," Looks like you blew a seal." To which the penguin replies, "No, no. It's just a little ice cream."
     
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  10. GregMeady

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    Posted 9/8/17
    It's the summer of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

    Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

    When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

    "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says. "That's cool."

    Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.

    Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie.

    Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

    Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"

    "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "We know that Peggy Sue really likes to screw;

    why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

    Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear.

    Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

    A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt

    with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.

    Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying,

    "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Bobby.

    About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house,

    slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

    "Dammit, Daddy! The Twist!!! It's called The Twist!"
     
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  11. DU99

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    Posted 13/8/17
    A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by".

    "No" he said "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar" she responded.

    "I mean" he continued "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents".

    He said "Do you have a real grudge?" "No" she replied "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one".

    "Please" he tried again "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes".

    "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes" she responded "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do".

    Finally, in frustration, the judge asked "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce" she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
     
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  12. GregMeady

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    Posted 4/9/17
    A woman gets pulled over for speeding.

    Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your driver’s license please?

    Woman: I’d give it to you, but I don’t have one.

    Officer: Don’t have one?

    Woman: I lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

    Officer: Oh. Then may I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

    Woman: Can’t do that either.

    Officer: Why not?

    Older Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Woman: Yes, and I kidnapped the owner, tied him up and stuffed him in the trunk, if you want to take a look.

    The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away and calls for back-up. Within minutes, five police cars roar up to the site. A senior officer slowly steps out of his car and approaches the woman, clasping his gun in both hands.
    Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please? The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem, sir?
    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and kidnapped the owner.

    Woman: Kidnapped the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please?

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
    Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you don’t have a driver’s license. The woman digs into her handbag, pulls out a license and hands it to the officer, who examines it. He looks puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma’am. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you kidnapped and tied up the owner.
    Woman: I bet the lying SOB told you I was speeding, too
     
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  13. Danscraftbeer

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    Posted 13/9/17
    Why won't Heterosexuals vote?
    Because they couldn't be buggered.


    edit: apostrophe :doofus:
     
    Last edited: 13/9/17
  14. DU99

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    Posted 15/9/17
    I've never really taken notice, on how much alike some Aussies and the 'Southern 'good old boys' are. Husband and wife...brother and sister ?

    Judge for yourself. [​IMG]


    You Might Be A Aussie Redneck, If:



    . . . you've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature....and found out it was you.

    . . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid, the dog, the wife...or the body in the casket.

    . . . your mama saves aluminum foil......for hats.

    . . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

    . . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed, but your pet spider survives, and you're still happy.

    . . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.

    . . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

    . . . that billboard that says, Say No To Crack, reminds you to pull up your jeans.

    . . . your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

    . . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.

    . . . you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

    . . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

    . . . you've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'.

    . . . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

    . . . taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

    . . . you've got more than one other brother named 'Darryl'.

    . . . you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin' contest.

    . . . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

    . . . you've ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch, and around the wheels.

    . . . your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the 'Barbie'.

    . . . your child's first words were, 'Attention K-Mart shoppers!'.

    . . . your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.

    . . . your whole family is Liberals, except little Mary. She got to readin'.

    . . . you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's Eve party.

    . . . you've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom. (ask graywun)

    . . . you've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company

    .. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.

    . . . you've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.

    . . . you've ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.

    . . . there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

    . . . you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.

    . . . the strongest smell in your house is butane.

    . . . you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

    . . . anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.

    . . . you don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

    . . . you've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.

    . . . your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.

    . . . you owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.

    . . . you've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.

    . . . your kids favorite bedtime story is 'Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.'

    . . . you've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

    . . . you time your belches to achieve a personal best.

    . . . your new job promotion means that the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts. Easier to remember that way.

    . . . you think Paprika is a Third World country, but you can't figure out how they got them all on that one shelf at the dollar store.
     
  15. manticle

    Standing up for the Aussie Bottler Moderating

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    Posted 15/9/17
    I think American redneck as opposed to Aussie might be more appropriate, considering references to jell-o, thanksgiving, baseball, bud light, etc
     
  16. Danscraftbeer

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    Posted 15/9/17
    I dont even understand why redneck can be a term given to any Australian. Its an American term.
    Its offensive. I'm offended! that the term be given to any Australian. :p
     
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  17. GregMeady

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    Posted 23/9/17 at 10:30 AM
    A little boy was attending his first wedding in church. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

    "Sixteen," the boy responded.

    His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly: "How do you know that?"

    "Easy," the little boy said: "All you have to do is add it up; like the bishop said...
    4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
     
  18. ein stein

    Well-Known Member

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    Posted 23/9/17 at 10:55 AM
    .. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.

    . . . you've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.(89 ford laser)

    . . . you've ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.(5c and 10c)


    i did all these when I was a uni student.. I dont think I am a redneck though.
     
  19. wynnum1

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    Posted 24/9/17 at 12:30 AM
    You take your aluminum beer cans to the scrap metal dealer to buy another carton of beer.
     

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