Continuing Jokes Thread

[DU99]

On the night of their 50th wedding anniversary, a wife found the negligee she'd worn on her wedding night & put it on.
She went to her husband, a retired digger, & asked; " Honey, do you remember this? "
He looked up from his newspaper & said; " Yes dear, you wore that same negligee the night we were married. "
She then said; " Yes that's right, do you remember what you said to me that night? ".
He nodded & said yes dear, I said; ' Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those breasts & screw your brains out. "
She giggled & said; " That's exactly what you said, so now it's 50 years later & I'm wearing the same negligee, what do you have to say tonight? "
He looked here up & down & said;
" Mission Accomplished. "

 

[DU99]

During a recent international sports meet, one of the Scottish track and field coaches was entertaining some friends and colleagues in his hotel room. As so often occurs the libations were used up before it was time to end the festivities.

After receiving directions to the nearest liquor store, the Scottish coach departed the party.
Upon arriving at the store, he noticed that there were only three or four people waiting in the queue.

Immediately ahead of him were two men dressed in military fatigues and heavily bearded. He overhead one of them ordering several bottles of Scotch and rum. Upon being told the value of his purchases, this fatigue dressed individual told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Immediately the clerk produced a book and had the individual sign for his purchases. To say that the Scotsman was intrigued would be an understatement.

The other individual in front of the Scotsman proceeded to order at least twice what his companion had ordered. Upon receipt of his total he also told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Same book, same procedure as the first fatigue clad individual.

By this time the Scotsman had figured he was on to a good thing. He ordered bottles of this, that, cigars, cigarettes etc. Upon being presented with his bill he told the clerk that he was with Fidel.

The clerk told him that he could not be with Fidel.

"Why not?" said the indignant Scotsman. "Because you do not have the beard and the big cigar" the clerk replied. Pausing for only a moment, the Scotsman reached down, lifted up his kilt and proudly announced "SECRET SERVICE!!!"

 

[DU99]

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to Pee."

An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I Pee like a Horse and at 8 a.m. I Crap like a Cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until 9:00."

 

[DU99]

Howard entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[wide eyed and legless]

And here is a photo of me with REM, that's me in the corner.

 

[Mardoo]

Wait, YOU had religion at one point?!?

 

[wide eyed and legless]

Oh no I've said too much.

 

[SBOB]

Oh no I've said too much.

true, but you did set it up..

 

[DU99]

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."

A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie
bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.
In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin,
he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries
again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still
perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean,
where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in
the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having *** wiffa wife's sista!!!"

Ya see......all in the wording !

 

[wynnum1]

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."

A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie
bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.
In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin,
he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries
again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still
perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean,
where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in
the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having *** wiffa wife's sista!!!"

Ya see......all in the wording !

"Oh I wheelie bin in jail,

 

[DU99]

A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs.

The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!"

"I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

 

[GregMeady]

Confused


I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'

Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Cable / TV 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

City, County & State Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.

I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.

 

[GregMeady]

Best Salesman in the World

A young guy from Idaho moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day."

"That will have to change and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"

 

[GregMeady]

An olde tale

Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what: Metal, Wood, Stone. Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,

'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince's pants?

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M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What on earth were you thinking?

 

[Woong]

Having a beer last night. The barman calls out "does anyone know cpr". I said "I know the whole fuken alphabet". We laughed and laughed and laughed. Well, all except one bloke.

 

[GregMeady]

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.

 

[DU99]

ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 50yr old. Then I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit (well more than a bit) we had a snuggle and then she asked me if I ever had a "Sportsman's Double?" "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome" she said. "Oh, well I haven't had that pleasure... yet" I said as my mind quickly embraced the idea. I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. We drank a bit more, and then she said with a wink "Tonight is your lucky night". I went back to her place. We walked in. She switched on the hall light and shouted upstairs" WE GOT ONE, MUM! YOU STILL AWAKE!?"

 

[GregMeady]

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favourite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."

 

[GregMeady]

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the fridge again!

 

[wynnum1]

Coach Michael Cheika still believes Australia can end their 14-year Bledisloe Cup drought .