Continuing Jokes Thread

[raven19]

There are two statues in a park; One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.



The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the Shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen teen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This Time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

 

[raven19]

1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat *******!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore' and
23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1,826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

 

[DKS]

I did like no* 18 :lol:
Keep em coming Raven. :icon_cheers:
Daz

 

[raven19]

I Fixed my Computer for Good
After going through a virus attack,

Losing a hard drive,

Fighting off hackers,

Upgrading all my software,

Installing fire-walls,

Being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider, And a host of other problems...

I have fixed my computer...

And NOW it works exactly the way I want it to !!!



Edit (title added)

 

[Newbiebrewer]

can you get kegs the correct size to fit a computer case

 

[Pennywise]

I'm sure you could work out some sort of garden sprayer keg thingo. Awesome idea

 

[warra48]

Some old men can still think fast.


An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

 

[Newbiebrewer]

I'm sure you could work out some sort of garden sprayer keg thingo. Awesome idea

Would the plastic be made of food grade material though?

(Sorry for the OT)

 

[DennisKing]

Had to go and see an ex girlfriend today and guess what, we ended up having sex. I really enjoyed it but the the policeman said I should have just identified the body.

 

[raven19]

Day one of democracy's new dawn: Oakeshott gets lunch

Political staffer: "Hey Rob I'm just going to the parliamentary canteen, did you want the pasta or the salad roll?"

Rob Oakeshott: "Well, look. I mean, yikes. I'm not pretending this is easy.

It's been line ball, a points decision, six to one half a dozen the other, it really could go either way, in fact it's going right down to the wire. I mean, I like pasta. I like it a lot. Over the years I have eaten a lot of pasta, it's, you know, it's a carbohydrate, and you can have it with a variety of sauces.

But then I really like salad rolls. I've eaten a lot of salad rolls in my time too. And weighing it up on balance I have to say that I'm kind of torn. The question I have been asking myself is what is the pasta going to provide? I want more than just sustenance, I don't just want to eat for the sake of eating, I think what we really need at this point of time, that is, lunch time, is a whole new way of eating.

So if it's going to be the pasta then the question has to be asked, is it just going to be the same sort of pasta that we've seen in the past, or a whole new pasta paradigm? And I find myself wondering if whether it's the salad roll after all that can provide that not just the usual ham cheese lettuce and tomato combo but something which also involves some grated carrot, alfalfa, maybe some Jarlsberg instead of the plain old Kraft single, some beetroot a roll that's more inclusive, that says a bit more about who we are and what we can be, a roll that

Political staffer: Sorry, Rob.

Rob Oakeshott: A roll that involves everybody, a roll that breaks down the presumptions and rewrite the rules governing the

Political staffer: Rob

Rob Oakeshott: A roll for tomorrow! A roll that's beautiful in its ugliness

Political staffer: ROB!!!

Rob Oakeshott: Sorry, yes?

Political staffer: Lunch is over. They've got the dinner menu on now. Do you want the chicken or the veal?

Rob Oakeshott: Well, look. I mean, yikes. I'm not pretending this is easy

 

[AngelTearsOnMyTongue]

Had to go and see an ex girlfriend today and guess what, we ended up having sex. I really enjoyed it but the the policeman said I should have just identified the body.

Sorry Dennis. That is just soooo not funny.

Not Clever, Not funny.

I vote it is removed.

 

[argon]

Man tries to save money and yet again gets in trouble....



Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them.' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the cart.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

 

[AlphaOne]

Sorry Dennis. That is just soooo not funny.

Not Clever, Not funny.

I vote it is removed.

I had a chuckle.

 

[zabond]

A bloke goes to his mates farm to see him,when he gets there he hears this loud music coming from the machinery shed,as he opens the door he sees his mate doing a striptease in front of the tractor,when he finally whips off his jocks and starts gyrating against the grill he yells out "what the hell are ya doing"the mate turns round and said'well I went to the docs yesterday and told him I was having trouble getting the missus excited,so he sugested that I should do somthing sexy to atractor

 

[michael_aussie]

Had to go and see an ex girlfriend today and guess what, we ended up having sex. I really enjoyed it but the the policeman said I should have just identified the body.

I love to hear totally inappropriate, yet funny jokes.

 

[raven19]

HOW THE BLOODY HELL ARE WE GONNA MATCH THIS NAME & ADDRESS





This could only be in UK !



In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet, Hertsfordshire

lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes

She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn.



Her mail is addressed:



Linda Lykes

The Cock Inn

ERBUM

Tillet, Herts.

 

[JestersDarts]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Ivan Other One]

A 3 year old boy was in the bath and grabs his testicles and asks his mother, "Are these my brains?"

His mother replied, "Not yet son"

 

[raven19]

DIVORCE AGREEMENT

THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE
IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!!
WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.

Dear Australian Labourites, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Gillard, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of Australia cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the labour judges and the CFMEU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep the ABC left wingers and Kerry O'Brien. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all of them.

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Woolworths and the Stock Exchange. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the budgie smuggling, bike riding, volunteer firemen and lifesavers greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you ABC and Bollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Penny Wong. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep "Waltzing Matilda" and "The National Anthem." I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an Australian

P.S. Also, please take Lindsey Tanner, Wayne Swan, Peter Garrett and Jenny Macklin with you.

P. P. S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

 

[bum]

Why has it been changed to an Australian author but most of the US references remain untouched?

I refuse to become enraged by such lazy trolling.