Continuing Jokes Thread

[white.grant]

Why has it been changed to an Australian author but most of the US references remain untouched?

I refuse to become enraged by such lazy trolling.

Yes, this used to be such a good thread and now its conservative!

 

[antains]

Yes, this used to be such a good thread and now its conservative!

Raven cuts and pastes jokes - he repeatedly admits as such. Hell, he even repeats jokes!

But, if the 16-year-old girl pile-on joke (Jessica Watson) gets by without a comment, then there's no leg to stand on in questioning anything else.

 

[bum]

Raven cuts and pastes jokes - he repeatedly admits as such. Hell, he even repeats jokes!

Didn't mean to suggest the fault was with Raven - I hope he sees that.

 

[raven19]

4 Worms Church Sermon!

For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap!

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!


That pretty much ended the service

 

[raven19]

Raven cuts and pastes jokes - he repeatedly admits as such. Hell, he even repeats jokes!

But, if the 16-year-old girl pile-on joke (Jessica Watson) gets by without a comment, then there's no leg to stand on in questioning anything else.

Didn't mean to suggest the fault was with Raven - I hope he sees that.

Yes indeed, cutty and pasty here. Just sharing the love.

I need lots of laughs of work, and I figure if I can pass a few funnies on to the good people on AHB then I can provide some smiles to others also.

I am certain none of the jokes I have added to this thread are mine. I only have dodgy Dad Jokes, and I aint even a Dad yet!

(I try not to repeat them - sorry about those rare instances!)

 

[raven19]

An old Italian Mafia 'Don' is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you
always remember me."



"But, Grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about
you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"



"Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.

You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and

maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna comma home and

maybe find your wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you
gonna do then......,



Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up'?"

 

[raven19]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking
parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase . . In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank ~~~ our prayers have been answered!'

 

[ben_sa]

Lame... but gave me a giggle

 

[raven19]

Julia Gillard met with the Queen of England.
She asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an
efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"


"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to
surround yourself with intelligent people."


Gillard frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know
the people around me are really intelligent?"


The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just
ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen
pushed a button on her intercom. "Please sendDavid Cameron in here, would you?"


David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, my
Queen?"


The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please,
David, your mother and father have a child. It is not
your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"


Without pausing for a moment, David Cameronanswered,
"That would be me."


"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.


Gillard went back home to ask Wayne Swan, her deputy the same question. "Wayne, answer
this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"


"I'm not sure," said Swan. "Let me get back to you on that one.." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Gough Whitlam's shoes in the next stall.


Swan asked Whitlam, "Gough, can you answer this for
me? Your mother and father have a child and it's notyour brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Gough Whitlam yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"


Swan smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back
to speak with Gillard. "I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Gough Whitlam"


Julia Gillard got up, stomped over to Swan, and angrily yelled
into his face, "No! You *****! It's David Cameron!"


AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR GOVERNMENT.

 

[michael_aussie]

Something to offend everybody:


* Can you spare just R2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just R2.00, we will send you the video - it's hilarious.

*One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Nigerians and Zimbabweans is not the correct answer

Obviously the South African version.
The USA one has Blacks and Mexicians in the cells.

 

[drew9242]

Fasty73

 

[raven19]

(Possibly a repeat... an oldie).
Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

[smilinggilroy]

Economic Models Explained with Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away...

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons .


A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
You have no cows.
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

 

[jyo]

 

[white.grant]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. The bartender says, "For you, no charge!"

 

[Jaissy]

Curly is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions.

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails.

Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperatley throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"Oh, I finished the exam in half an hour." he says, "Now I am rechecking my answers." :super:

 

[petesbrew]

Curly is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions.

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails.

Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperatley throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"Oh, I finished the exam in half an hour." he says, "Now I am rechecking my answers." :super:

:lol:

 

[Williams]

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

 

[Newbiebrewer]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. The bartender says, "For you, no charge!"

Ahh reminds me of the fun times in physics class at high school :lol:

Here's mine (might have been said before)

Descartes walks into a bar.

The bartender walks up to him and says, Would you care for a drink?

Descartes replied, I think not. and disappears.

​

I never get sick of that joke

 

[leiothrix]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. The bartender says, "For you, no charge!"

A hydrogen atom walks in to a bar looking miserable. The bartender says "Why so sad?" The hydrogen atom replies "I've lost an electron!" The bartender asks "Are you sure?" And the hydrogen atom replies "I'm positive".