Greg Lawrence
Blow me eric8
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Continuing Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Bribie G
- Start date
Help Support Australia & New Zealand Homebrewing Forum:
raven19
Homer is God
- Joined
- 24/9/08
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- 5,297
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- 23
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to
the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our
fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a
few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
JestersDarts
I (heart) Darts
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:lol:
michael_aussie
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 12/4/10
- Messages
- 928
- Reaction score
- 5
HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THESE
ARE ALL TRUE STORIES
FROM EMERGENCY ROOMS AROUND THE COUNTRY
----------------------------------------------------------------------
FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. eeewwwww.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..."which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel.
(you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened,
(no sh*t Sherlock!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball.
(Boy - we live sheltered lives!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (Oh my gosh!!!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner.
Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
ARE ALL TRUE STORIES
FROM EMERGENCY ROOMS AROUND THE COUNTRY
----------------------------------------------------------------------
FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. eeewwwww.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..."which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel.
(you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened,
(no sh*t Sherlock!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball.
(Boy - we live sheltered lives!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (Oh my gosh!!!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner.
Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
michael_aussie
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 12/4/10
- Messages
- 928
- Reaction score
- 5
HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THESE
ARE ALL TRUE STORIES
FROM EMERGENCY ROOMS AROUND THE COUNTRY
----------------------------------------------------------------------
FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. eeewwwww.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..."which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel.
(you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened,
(no sh*t Sherlock!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball.
(Boy - we live sheltered lives!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (Oh my gosh!!!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner.
Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
ARE ALL TRUE STORIES
FROM EMERGENCY ROOMS AROUND THE COUNTRY
----------------------------------------------------------------------
FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. eeewwwww.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..."which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel.
(you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened,
(no sh*t Sherlock!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball.
(Boy - we live sheltered lives!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (Oh my gosh!!!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner.
Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
raven19
Homer is God
- Joined
- 24/9/08
- Messages
- 5,297
- Reaction score
- 23
Taliban and Arizona's Immigration Law
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, the Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if Arizona's Immigration Law is not repealed, Taliban authorities intend to cut off America's supply of Convenience Store Managers and possibly Motel 6 & Super 8 Managers. And, if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by DELL and AOL Customer Service Reps. Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to send us no more candidates for President of the United States! Folks, it's gonna get ugly!!
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, the Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if Arizona's Immigration Law is not repealed, Taliban authorities intend to cut off America's supply of Convenience Store Managers and possibly Motel 6 & Super 8 Managers. And, if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by DELL and AOL Customer Service Reps. Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to send us no more candidates for President of the United States! Folks, it's gonna get ugly!!
raven19
Homer is God
- Joined
- 24/9/08
- Messages
- 5,297
- Reaction score
- 23
Dick had been in Fire Service for 25 years. Finally sick of the
stress, he
quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska - as far from
humanity as
possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise
it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on
his
door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man in a red plaid shirt is
standing
there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about
5:00....'
'Great', says Rick, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some
local folks. Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Dick. 'After 25 years in the Fire Service, I can
drink
with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ' More 'n' likely
gonna be
some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there.
Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Rick, warming to the idea.
'I've been
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what
should
I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
stress, he
quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska - as far from
humanity as
possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise
it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on
his
door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man in a red plaid shirt is
standing
there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about
5:00....'
'Great', says Rick, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some
local folks. Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Dick. 'After 25 years in the Fire Service, I can
drink
with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ' More 'n' likely
gonna be
some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there.
Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Rick, warming to the idea.
'I've been
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what
should
I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
JestersDarts
I (heart) Darts
- Joined
- 12/3/10
- Messages
- 739
- Reaction score
- 2
:lol: :lol: :lol:
raven19
Homer is God
- Joined
- 24/9/08
- Messages
- 5,297
- Reaction score
- 23
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in
a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted,
nude model danced before them.....
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that
anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be
ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until
she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began
to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in
nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up........and all the other bells started to ring..
a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted,
nude model danced before them.....
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that
anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be
ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until
she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began
to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in
nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up........and all the other bells started to ring..
raven19
Homer is God
- Joined
- 24/9/08
- Messages
- 5,297
- Reaction score
- 23
THERE IS SOMEBODY UNDER MY BED!
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,' I said. Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV. 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now! SCREW THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BAR TENDER. There is always another way to solve a problem. I drink to that.
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,' I said. Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV. 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now! SCREW THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BAR TENDER. There is always another way to solve a problem. I drink to that.
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, I need to be honest with you, Im getting a boob job.
The second woman responded, Oh, thats nothing. Im thinking of having my asshole bleached!
Whoa, replied the first woman. I just cant picture your husband as a blonde!
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, I need to be honest with you, Im getting a boob job.
The second woman responded, Oh, thats nothing. Im thinking of having my asshole bleached!
Whoa, replied the first woman. I just cant picture your husband as a blonde!
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, I need to be honest with you, Im getting a boob job.
The second woman responded, Oh, thats nothing. Im thinking of having my asshole bleached!
Whoa, replied the first woman. I just cant picture your husband as a blonde!
The first woman said, I need to be honest with you, Im getting a boob job.
The second woman responded, Oh, thats nothing. Im thinking of having my asshole bleached!
Whoa, replied the first woman. I just cant picture your husband as a blonde!
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, I need to be honest with you, Im getting a boob job.
The second woman responded, Oh, thats nothing. Im thinking of having my asshole bleached!
Whoa, replied the first woman. I just cant picture your husband as a blonde!
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, I need to be honest with you, Im getting a boob job.
The second woman responded, Oh, thats nothing. Im thinking of having my asshole bleached!
Whoa, replied the first woman. I just cant picture your husband as a blonde!
JestersDarts
I (heart) Darts
- Joined
- 12/3/10
- Messages
- 739
- Reaction score
- 2
:huh:
Ivan Other One
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 30/3/09
- Messages
- 414
- Reaction score
- 5
Why do Sharks swim circles around you before attacking?
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me, son." The father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me, son." The father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
petesbrew
Lover of Beer
- Joined
- 31/3/06
- Messages
- 5,198
- Reaction score
- 172
+1. The response was as good as the joke.
raven19
Homer is God
- Joined
- 24/9/08
- Messages
- 5,297
- Reaction score
- 23
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, David the physician, the King's chief doctor. David thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, David made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, David informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. David then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found David demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins.. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that David could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, David slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . . The moral of the story - Pay your f*cking bills.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, David the physician, the King's chief doctor. David thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, David made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, David informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. David then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found David demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins.. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that David could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, David slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . . The moral of the story - Pay your f*cking bills.
warra48
I've drunk all my homebrew and I'm still worried.
And the translation for those of you who do not speak Dutch:
Now, this is just the living room.
And then we come here to the bedroom, with...............
Shrieking AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh etc etc
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