Continuing Jokes Thread

[michael_aussie]

Mohammed entered his classroom.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed".... Answered the kid.
"Here we are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home.
"How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.

Then she called his father and he too beat him savagely.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked:
"What happened to you little Bruce?"

"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two f**kin Arabs!..."

 

[Newbiebrewer]

:lol: :lol: excellent

 

[white.grant]

Julia Gillard and the Pope were on stage at a mass gathering of about 100,000 of the faithfull.

The Pope nudges Julia and says, "You know, I can take all of these fine Aussies to everlasting happiness with just a wave of my hand."

"Really?" say Julia

"Yep." says the pope "and I'm not just talking about a fleeting moment of joy here, I'm talking eternal bliss. Everlasting happiness that will never die. One wave of my hand, that's all!"

"You should do that then" Says Julia , "Go ahead!"

So he slapped her.

 

[Ivan Other One]

Groaners. <_<


Two backpackers met at the campgrounds and fell in love,,,,

Their *** was intence,,,


Two nymphomaniac backpackers met a the campgrounds,,,

Their *** was intence,,, also on the grass, the picnic table, the swimming hole etc etc etc,,,

 

[stew.w]

watch this:


then this:


that guys ridiculous anyway but the remix is even funnier.

 

[michael_aussie]

watch this:


then this:


that guys ridiculous anyway but the remix is even funnier.

love it ... ty stew

 

[Weatherby]

This one is funny too, but it is a bit weird that they are both in Huntsville, something suss there.

 

[raven19]

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon
An Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar
But less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first
Aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured
Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the
Highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw
Each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled
To him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got
what he Deserved.

He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left
Wing labour ******** who knows bugger all about running the country.'
'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid,
Mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard! '

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands,
when a bloody truck hit us!

 

[raven19]

A Young Arab asks his father:

What is this weird hat that we are wearing?
Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?
It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!
And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?
These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!
Tell me papa?
Yes my son?

Then, why the f#ck are we living in Melbourne???

 

[QldKev]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love, Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

 

[raven19]

A drunken man walks into a
biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men
sitting at a corner table. He gets
up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the
face and says:


'I went by your grandma's
house today, and I saw her in the
hallway buck-naked.
Man, she is one fine looking
woman!'


The biker looks at him and
doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.


The drunk leans on the table
again and says:

'I got it on with your grandma
and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are
starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.



The drunk leans on the table
one more time and says, 'I'll tell
you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'


At this point the biker stands
up,takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says
...


Grandpa .......... Go home!

 

[spog]

a chilean miner in bed with his wife after being rescued from the mine collapse.
his wife says "make love too me my brave miner"
he replies "can i take you from behind", anything my brave miner,replies his wife,"anything you want"
"in that case " says her hubby "can i call you pedro"

 

[michael_aussie]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well!
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods, He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it, you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price!"

 

[peaky]

I went to see a nurse the other day and she said, "You're going to have to stop masturbating"


I said, "Why?"


She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

 

[michael_aussie]

I saw an old girl friend yesterday. I ended up having *** with her again for old times sake.
The police said I should have just identified her.

 

[michael_aussie]

I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognized throughout the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.

In General:

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

Eating Out:

1 When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

Entertaining at Home:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

Personal Hygiene:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

Driving Etiquette:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

 

[J Grimmer]

A bra and jumper lead walk into a bar. After a few moments the Bra orders 2 drinks, to which the bar tender says

"No, cause your off your **** and mate looks like he's about to start something".

 

[michael_aussie]

Little Known Facts
>1. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
>2. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
>3. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
>4. A shrimp's heart is in their head.
>5. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze,
>you're heart stops for a mili-second.
>6. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one
>reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand
>(or attempted to do so).
>7. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
>8. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
>9. Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti
>Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of
>little pasta swastikas.
>10. By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at
> Primary school.
>11. On average, a human being will have *** more than 3,000 times and
>spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
>12. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or
>received a telephone call.
>13. Rats and horses can't vomit.
>14. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the
> toughest tongue twister in the English language.
>15. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to
>suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck
>and die.
>16. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have
>over a million descendants.
>17. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in
>your ear by 700 times.
>18. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title
>14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on
>July16,1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with
>extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
>19. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
>20. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
>21. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
>are already married.
>22. A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
>23. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people
>sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
>24. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat
>70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
>25. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
>26. Cat's urine glows under a black light.
>27. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
>28. If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.

 

[J Grimmer]

Real Man's Letter to Helpline







Serious mens stuff

Letter to Men's Helpline:-

Hey Mate, really need your advice for a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been
cheating.
The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up and
she's going out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I
usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat,
when she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then
she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on... It was at that
moment crouched behind the boat I noticed... a "hairline crack" in the
outboard mounting bracket...
Is that something I can weld myself or do I need to replace it?

 

[raven19]

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . . POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, Im Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for that, you wont have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you wont have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life as a matter of fact, you wont have any butter for anything the rest of your life!

THEN POOF! she was gone. After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred. Fred, where are you?

Fred yells back, Im over here, in the pussywillows.

Dave yells back
DONT SWING FRED!!! For Gods sake, DONT SWING!!