Continuing Jokes Thread

[raven19]

The Balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'But how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in
before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault.'

Touch!

 

[Steve]

The Balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'But how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in
before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault.'

Touch!

nice one

 

[raven19]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started
Swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we
Go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me,
Ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for
Breakfast.

'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,
And ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be ******* Coco Pops'

 

[raven19]

Subject: The Proper King's English


The Proper King's English

You English majors and wordsmiths will appreciate this old and fading art of
writing:

In this world of hi-tech, I have noticed that many who text message and email
have forgotten the "art" of capitalization. Those of you who fall into this
category, please take note of the following statement below:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a
horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

I cannot stress enough that proper use of grammar can be most important!

 

[Ivan Other One]

Nativity Scene for National Capital [Canberra]



The High Court has handed down a judgement.




"There will not be a Nativity Scene in the
Australian Capital this Christmas season."



In a judgement of significance it was stated that this was not for any religious reason.


The key issue was that they simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra.


However the search for a Virgin continues.


The High Court did note that there was no problem finding enough donkeys to fill the stable.

 

[michael_aussie]

~A Cup of Tea ~
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

 

[Weatherby]

 

[petesbrew]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started
Swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we
Go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me,
Ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for
Breakfast.

'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,
And ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be ******* Coco Pops'

 

[michael_aussie]

------LAWYERS AND FARMERS

The son of a cocky from outback Queensland goes off to study Law at
university. Not half way through the semester he has blown all of his
money on the high city life.

He calls home. 'Dad, you won't believe what modern education is
developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane Uni that will
teach a dog how to talk.'

'Bloody amazing!' his Dad says. 'Could we get Ol' Blue into the
program?'

'No worries, just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo
says, 'I'll get him into the course..'

So father sends down the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The
boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to
know.

'Awesome Dad! He'd talk ya bloody head off. But you just won't believe
this. He's such a brilliant talker, they'd like him to have a go in the
reading class!'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! Jeez, I knew he was smart.
Can you get Ol' Blue into that program?'

'Just send $4,500. He's as good as in.'

As quick as the money arrives, it is spent.

At the end of the term the young bloke realises a problem...When he
goes home for the holidays, his father will find out the dog can
neither talk nor read. So on the way home he stops and shoots the dog.

When he arrives home his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I
just can't wait to talk with him and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'It all had a bad outcome. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room reading
the Wall Street Journal. Out of nowhere he turned to me and asked, 'So,
is your dad still rooting that little redhead barmaid from the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I'll have to shoot that ******* before
he blabs to your Mother!'

'I already did, Dad!'

'Good boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

 

[michael_aussie]

A Scotsman's Chilli.



A hungry but penniless bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.

He sits at the counter and notices Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks,

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Aye, ye can gae right aheid."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.

The old Jock says, "Aye, that's as far as I got too."

 

[spog]

i braked as hard as i could but still hit the car in front of me.
a gorgeous young blonde gets out and shouts at meR
"RAM ME UP THE ARSE AS HARD AS YOU CAN WHY DONT YA"

and that,your honour is where all the confusion started

....cheers.......spog.........

 

[raven19]

Three Holy Men & a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......circumcision may not have been the best way for me to start with the bear.

 

[michael_aussie]

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

 

[michael_aussie]

I just got off the phone with a friend in Maine
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist
high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is
increasing.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in

 

[Ivan Other One]

Two women, a brunette and a blonde, step out of a hairdressers to see a man with very bad dandruff walk by.

"Gee, he could really use some 'Head and Shoulders' Said the brunette to her Friend.

The blonde asks,"How do you give shoulders?"

 

[michael_aussie]

APPARENTLY THE VIDEO IS AN AD FOR WASHING MACHINES.

I DIDNT NOTICE.






Fleggaard Holding A/S, through its subsidiaries, markets electronic appliances. The company specializes in selling televisions and radio sets.

Fleggaard Holding is based in Krusaa , Denmark . Just across Germany 's northern-most border with Denmark youll find an incredible superstore called Fleggaard. There, you can buy everything you need tubs of gummi bears, cases of wine, industrial strength dishwashing soap at prices 30% cheaper than youll find in Denmark It is Denmark 's Costco, packaged as a German loophole.

Here is a link to simply the best advertisement ever made.


http://www.m2film.dk/fleggaard/trailer2.swf

 

[peas_and_corn]

b00000000bs

 

[michael_aussie]

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE . NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS..

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT
CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.


15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.


19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.


22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. St. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

 

[raven19]

CRICKET HUMOUR?


1. What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube? - A laughing stock.
2. The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting. - They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!
3. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director? - A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.
4. Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease? - The woman who irons their cricket whites.
5. What's the height of optimism? - An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
6. Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball? - He forgot it was chained to his foot.
7. What is the main function of the Australia coach? - To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
8. On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he's heading out to the middle. - His wife replies: "I'll hold, he won't be long!"
9. What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car? - Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.
10. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad? - The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
11. What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common? - Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
12. What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet? - The entire Australian innings.
13. What's the Australian version of LBW? - Lost, Beaten, Walloped.
14. Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini? - Because he can get out without even trying.
15. What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket? - A bat.
16. What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ? - A vacant lot.
17. Why do Australians call their favourite drink XXXX? - Because they can't spell beer.
18. What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson? - They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
19. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix? - At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

 

[raven19]

Stay off your bicycle

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."