Continuing Jokes Thread

[raven19]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan .'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.

 

[raven19]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing Mick?" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejesus out of me, says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

 

[rotten]

What's the difference between a clitoris, and a pub?

9 out of ten males know where to find the pub.

 

[rotten]

How do you tell when an australians feeling better?

He tries to blow the froth of his medicine.

 

[raven19]

Haiku Error Messages



In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity.



Your file was so big.

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.



The Web site you seek

Cannot be located, but

Countless more exist.



Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.


Program aborting:

Close all that you have worked on.

You ask far too much.



Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.



Yesterday it worked.

Today it is not working.

Windows is like that.

 

[jonocarroll]

POLITICS EXPLAINED:

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

[michael_aussie]

GOLFING TERMS

A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.

A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand.

A ' John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water.

A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.

An 'O.J.'- got away with one.

A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.

A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver.

A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good.

A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole.

A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right.

A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds.

A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read.

A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out.

A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist.

A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees.

A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole.

A "Al Gore" -- earth first

A `TIGER WOODS' - Wrong Hole.

 

[Eater]

Very damn funny MA
ill rip them out on the course next week

 

[Airgead]

GOLFING TERMS

A colleague of mine who was a golfing fanatic introduced me to the Marradona - a nasty little 4 footer

 

[Ivan Other One]

A Miracle

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him, "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a stubbie of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face. The Aussie whispers ... "Not me mate, I'm on Workers Comp".

 

[michael_aussie]

A Miracle

The Irishman .........a pint of Guinness from me.

The Englishman ........ a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale .

the Australian .......a stubbie of Victoria Bitter

If I was Jesus I'd be disapointed at that cat's piss after those two great beers.

 

[raven19]

First-year students at a Texas Vet school were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you are not disgusted by anything involving an animal's body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

Life is tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."

 

[Ivan Other One]

A bloke in a bub walks over to a big fat chick seated at the bar and asks, "Excuse me, but do you have a pen?"

"Yes" she replies and as she reaches into her handbag he says,

"Well don't you think you should get back to it before the farmer finds out you're missing?"

 

[raven19]

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your will power'


Top tip; if youre camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex............ Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.


I got fired on my first day as a male masseur today.. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean What I thought it did.

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said 'sorry about the wait' I said 'don't worry fatty , you're bound to lose it eventually'

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!

I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

 

[raven19]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

They found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder - could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

 

[spog]

there once was a girl named alice,
who used a stick of dynamite as a phallus,
they found her vagina in north carolina,and half of her anus in dallas.

.......he he he ....cheers....spog....

 

[michael_aussie]

wrong jokes are the best......

 

[michael_aussie]

A duck walks into a bar.
Duck Do you have any bread?
Barman No
Duck Do you have any bread?
Barman No
Duck Do you have any bread?
Barman No
Duck Do you have any bread?
Barman No
Duck Do you have any bread?
Barman No
Duck Do you have any bread?
Barman If you ask that again, Im going to nail your beak to the bar
Duck Do you have any nails?
Barman No
Duck Do you have any bread?

 

[petesbrew]

there once was a girl named alice,
who used a stick of dynamite as a phallus,
they found her vagina in north carolina,and half of her anus in dallas.

.......he he he ....cheers....spog....

:lol:

 

[michael_aussie]

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"
. . . . . . . . . . . . ..

My wife told me last night that she is fed up with me pushing her around and
talking behind her back ... She's in a f**king wheel chair for goodness sake !!
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish. Called down to the wife and
got no answer. Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was,
face down on the floor. Dead!
At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were
welling in my eyes.............Then a moment of pure inspiration........
....McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30 !
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a male superhero, the other is an instruction!
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on
the sofa...
Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake!
. . . . . . . . . . . .
Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I
took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other
half. It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the
bus home.
. . . . . . . . .. . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are
going to study the workings of the female mind.
The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis!