Continuing Jokes Thread

[michael_aussie]

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.



He sits down at the bar to have a drink when the bartender screams, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?""No, what?" asks the man



"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...WHOLE!"



"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball."



The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.



Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again and has his Monkey with him. He orders a drink and the Monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the Monkey finds a bowl of Maraschino Cherries on the bar.



He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. Then the Monkey finds a peanut, again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.



The bartender is disgusted, "Did you see what your Monkey did now?"



"No, what?" replied the man.



"Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out and ate them!" said the bartender.



"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," the guy replied,



"He still eats everything in sight but ever since he had to shit that cue ball, he measures everything first."

.

 

[michael_aussie]

The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."


Bitch!

 

[michael_aussie]

A REAL WOMAN
A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible...

No wait... sorry. I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does all that shit. Never mind

.

 

[michael_aussie]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captains of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."

 

[Ducatiboy stu]

Is a woman or your dog your best friend



You can easly tell by locking them in the boot of your car for a day, and seeing which one is happy to see you when you open it

 

[raven19]

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
And why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig,so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so you are not getting any milk for a week .'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.


Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?'

 

[raven19]

> Subject: Fwd: The Difference If you Marry An Aussie Girl
>
>
> THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY An Aussie GIRL
>
> Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
>
> The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the
> dishes and house cleaning.
> It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a
> clean house and dishes washed and put away.
>
> The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to
> do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
> The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was
> better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were
> done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
>
> The third man married a girl from Australia . He ordered her to keep the
> house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals
> on the table for every meal.
> He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't
> see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down
> and he could see
> a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could
> fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
> He still has some difficulty when he pees.
>

 

[michael_aussie]

 

[raven19]

Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic



Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic



Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

Sincerely, Anonymous



Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely, Canada



Dear Boyfriend,

I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

Sincerely, Spiders



Dear Voldemort,

So they screwed up your nose too?

Sincerely, Michael Jackson



Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...

Sincerely, Google



Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely, 1985



Dear Justin Bieber,

Ariel would really love her voice back.

Sincerely, King Triton



Dear Rubik's Cube,

Done!

Sincerely, Colorblind



Dear Santa,

Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.

Sincerely, Tiger Woods



Dear Fox News,

So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely, Unimpressed



Dear Sex Educators,

Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.

Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

 

[needbeer]

Lecture About Alcohol Abuse...

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. He is asked where he is going, wandering the streets at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

 

[raven19]

For all my grammatically correct friends.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife..

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

 

[raven19]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

 

[Pennywise]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked,
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says,
"Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

 

[michael_aussie]

> > There was a knock on the door this morning
> >
> > I opened it and there was a young man standing there
> who said:
> >
> > "I'm a Jehovah's Witness".
> >
> > I said "Come in and sit down. Now what do you want to
> talk about"?
> >
> > He said, " Fucked if I know I've never got this far
> before"

 

[raven19]

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.


As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.


Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.


The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'


The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'


The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.

 

[raven19]

The Christmas Dolly



This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find

out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize!





As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. I can't wait until next Christmas.

 

[Amber Fluid]

Never Question A Drunk

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

* A half litre of milk

* A dozen eggs

* A bottle of orange juice

* A head of lettuce

* A 500g jar of coffee

* A package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

 

[michael_aussie]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
.....
....
...
...
...

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy

'That little skinny O'Connor?,' says Sean, 'How could he do that to you? He must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible beatin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself ta same. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast. And a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

...
...
...
...
...


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
...
...
...
...



Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'

...
...
...
....


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

 

[raven19]

Not very PC at all this one folks...




Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate
of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.


The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping
through photos. They start reminiscing.


''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.


"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.


"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.


''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''


''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair
when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.


''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.


''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.

"He would have been 18'', she whispers.


"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first
started school''


''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.


After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully
at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

 

[raven19]

Elton John was changing the nappy on his new son and he turned to his husband and said, He reminds me so much of you David.

David says why, is it his cheeky little smile ?

No says Elton.

David asks is it his cute little nose ?

No its not that says Elton.

David says Then it must be the colour of his eyes.

No says Elton hes got shit on his dick.