Continuing Jokes Thread

[raven19]

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil. Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class..
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil & jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' & continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord & Savior?' But Susie didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue & stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
& the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' & Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a 3rd question...
'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Susie jumped up & shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me 1 more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.............

 

[raven19]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today..'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

 

[raven19]

Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

 

[antains]

ENGINEERING JOKE



Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.



Pascal is nowhere to be seen.



Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.



Einstein says "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"



Newton says "No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter.

You've found Pascal!"

Now I learned two bits of science just so I could get that joke...

 

[michael_aussie]

 

[raven19]

The Department of Labor

The North Dakota Department of Labor claimed a small Bismarck dairy farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Department of Labor employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week,
pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

Department of Labor employee: That's the guy I want to talk to... the mentally challenged one.

Farmer: That would be me.

 

[raven19]

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they
had been married.



She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list
of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.



Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking
Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.



The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'



Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

 

[antains]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today..'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

I think this is one of my favourite jokes that I've seen on here. Happy to see it reposted... :icon_cheers:

 

[sandjeep457]

Earthquake

EARTHQUAKE ROCKS PORT ADELAIDE:

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit in the early hours of yesterday morning, with the epicentre in Port Adelaide, SA.

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Torana Appreciation Society and the Port Adelaide Progress Hall were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived. one resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.

My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer the next morning".

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite and 70,000 bottles of Home Brew to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, Port Power jerseys,
jewellery from Priceline and bone china from Go Lo.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after.

Items most needed include: baseball caps, flannelette shirts, thongs and tracksuits.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include, Yiros' , McDonalds, KFC, ice cream and cans of Woodstock Bourbon or Bacardi Breezers.

If you would prefer to donate money, 25c buys a biro for filling in
compensation forms; $5.00 buys chips, battered fish, crisps and fizzy drinks for a family of 9; $10.00 will pay for a packet of Winfield Blues and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

PLEASE do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas

 

[raven19]

Ole & Lena

Government surveyors came to Ole's Minnesota farm last spring and asked

if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them
a nice meal at noontime.

After their work was done, the surveyors told Ole, "You were so kind to
us; we wanted to give you the bad news in person, instead of by letter."

"What's the bad news?" asked Ole.

"Well, your farm is right on the state line," the surveyors said, "and
after our work was completed, we discovered your farm is not in
Minnesota. It's actually in Iowa."

"That's the best news I've had in a long time," said Ole. "I was just
telling Lena this morning that I don't think I can take another winter
In Minnesota!"

 

[brett mccluskey]

A husband finishes reading a book called"Be the MAN of your house".He says to his wife"From now on ,my word is LAW !".Tonight you will cook me a magnificent meal,followed by a sumptuous dessert.After that,we will have sex the way I want,then you will draw me a hot bath.I will bathe,you will wash me.You will then dry me and put my bathrobe on me ,and then i will relax on my favourite recliner where you will massage my feet and neck.And tomorrow morning.....guess who's going to dress me and brush my hair?"The wife looks at him and says..."******* funeral director would be my first guess!"

 

[raven19]

Bath Night



A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked:

"Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!

 

[raven19]

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 

[ben_sa]

A study found the average aussie walks 900 miles a year another study found we also drink on average 22 gallons of beer a year that means the average aussie gets about 41 miles per gallon how ******* good is that!!

 

[Maple]

A study found the average aussie walks 900 miles a year another study found we also drink on average 22 gallons of beer a year that means the average aussie gets about 41 miles per gallon how ******* good is that!!

22 gallons a year... crap, that must put me in the heavy-duty range. I figure taking the assumption i would walk the 900 miles, and added in my average 'fuel refills' and I come in way under at 7.2mpg.... sounds way better than 3.06 km/l or 1.72 cornies per 100km.

better get brewin'

 

[ben_sa]

thats like smart-car average..

Me, Im more like a 56 chev with a stinking big block...

 

[raven19]

A Washington DC 'travel agent' offers some examples of 'WHY' the USA is in
trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an
aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the
window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town.
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information, and then he interrupted me with,''I'm not trying to make
you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod
is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..''
His response -- click.

3.. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about
a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's
not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a
very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is
it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and
asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .
I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in
Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas
was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to
save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She
needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at
8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she
couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do
airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose
luggage belongs to whom?''
I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag
on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very
rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was
dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno ,
CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a
destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a
trip package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to
fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright
from Alabama who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer
planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11 Mary Landrieu, Louisiana Senator, called and had a question about
the documents she needed in order to fly to China
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she
needed a visa.
"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have
one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.
When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times
and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations,
''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.
''I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the
name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked
up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly!
Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You
don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!


YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED

 

[raven19]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.


A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one.


Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.


Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.


The man couldn't stand the curiosity.


He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this".
"Whose funeral is it?"


"My wife's."


''What happened to her?"


The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."


He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"


The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."


A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence,
passed between the two men.


"Can I borrow the dog?"


The man replied, "Get in line."

 

[Eater]

Dude, now your reposting same jokes that appear on the same page

raven19
Mar 3 2011, 02:22 PM
"Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as.........."

Although your standard and quality of other jokes is great, keep em coming.

 

[raven19]

Oh fark! Whoops, I usually delete them from the email once I have posted them here. My bad! (just deleted the repeat post)

----

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.

On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian
Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.

The tour stopped, the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Baliant Ute. It's a red one. The left pront tyre is bald. The pront end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel. There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"God man, how do you know all that?" asked one.

The Aborigine replied........."I fell out off the pucken ting about half an hour ago!"