Continuing Jokes Thread

[Helles]

Found this post onBrew Board Anyone one else had this Problem

Link might work Link works

No joke! My wife had a pissy diaper on on the top shelf (have no idea why!!) ???

And It fell in when I was reaching for the Lid! I quick got it out, and ran up stairs to see if it was a used, or unused diaper.....
IT WAS USED!!!

It was a Hefewizen!!!

Now what! Should I throw this out or not :crazy:

NEED HELP

 

[Kiwimike]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

 

[Malted]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.



When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...



We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.

Frankly, either way the results are not too good."



"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.

We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"



"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

 

[Ivan Other One]

Q: How do you know if you're a bogan?
A: You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table
...in front of her kids.

 

[m3taL]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Coles.
The husband picks up a case of Tooheys New and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Tooheys, and it's half the price.'

 

[petesbrew]

Had to post this under the humour thread

https://www.1stchoice.com.au/mattskinner/enter%20competition

Win a $3000 personal shopping experience at 1st Choice with Matt Skinner
In 25 Words or less tell us why a shopping experience with Matt Skinner would change your life

Beside's entries like Stock up on lifetime supply of goon bags, Completely **** up my liver, make me a bigger alco than I am now, etc. I'm truly lost for words for a serious answer.

 

[Ivan Other One]

A lame joke,
A cod and a perch decided to rob a sand bank, They were caught by the carps,,,,,,

Appologies in advance,,,

 

[mikec]

The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar.
It was tense.

 

[AngelTearsOnMyTongue]

A lame joke,
A cod and a perch decided to rob a sand bank, They were caught by the carps,,,,,,

Appologies in advance,,,

Following an intense grilling they went up before the Squid beak.........

 

[AlwayzLoozeCount]

Someone wrote "retard" on my car window. Took me ages to lick it off.

 

[sydneyhappyhour]

Whats does McDonalds and Australia have in common?

Both have a red headed clown as their figure head.

 

[spog]

Whats does McDonalds and Australia have in common?

Both have a red headed clown as their figure head.

 

[Ivan Other One]

I was driving through town today when I saw a woman driving while using her mobile phone.

This made me so angry that I threw my beer at her,,,,

 

[sponge]

I was driving through town today when I saw a woman driving while using her mobile phone.

This made me so angry that I threw my beer at her,,,,

Slightly off topic as it is a story rather than a joke, but this reminded me of a story my danish relative was telling me as he was driving back to my parents place from in town last week.

In Denmark, they are allowed to drink beer whilst driving, as long as they are still under the blood alcohol limit (which I am pretty sure is still 0.05)

He ended up getting an RBT on his way back, and when the officer asked if he had had a drink in the last 15min, he replied 'yes, I am drinking one right now' and showed her his beer in the cup holder.

He ended up being under the limit and was told that he can't drink whilst driving, which he accepted.

I found it a slightly amusing story none the less.

Now, back to the jokes!

 

[WarmBeer]

Q. Why did Princess Di cross the road?


A. Conservation of Momentum.

 

[Amber Fluid]

Why is Santa's sack so big?





'cause he only comes once a year!!

 

[Ivan Other One]

Q; What's black and red and sits in a tree?

A; A crow with a fat.

 

[DennisKing]

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Gag

 

[warra48]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

 

[warra48]

Dear Family & Friends and Forum Members,

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest family, friends, and forum members about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had three of four pints of ale, two cocktails, and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police RBT road block but, since it was a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.

 

[drew9242]

Dear Family & Friends and Forum Members,

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest family, friends, and forum members about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had three of four pints of ale, two cocktails, and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police RBT road block but, since it was a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.

Keep it for future use

 

[warra48]

These workmen are installing cast-iron bollards to stop nurses from parking on the pavement outside the Royal Hospital in Belfast .

They are cleaning up at the end of the day.

If you can spot why they're not going home you are smarter than they are

 

[drew9242]

Haha reminds of a bloke I knew. He was cutting some wood , problem was he was standing on the side he was cutting off. Hmmm took a bit of a fall.

 

[KingKong]

Thieves have stolen 50 crates of red bull from the local shop.

I just don't know how the bastards can sleep at night.

 

[Ivan Other One]

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a Sheila called Penny – spooky or what?

 

[warra48]

I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the Tax Department.
It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied:

1 million illegal immigrants;
9000 crack heads;
2 million unemployed people on the Dole,
20000 people in over 43 prisons;
Half of New Zealand;
and 535 persons in the House and Senate.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

 

[Liam_snorkel]

Q. why did the chicken cross the road?

A. to get to the other side.

 

[peas_and_corn]

It's funny because it means death

 

[marksfish]

I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the Tax Department.
It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied:

1 million illegal immigrants;
9000 crack heads;
2 million unemployed people on the Dole,
20000 people in over 43 prisons;
Half of New Zealand;
and 535 persons in the House and Senate.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

a few hundred thousand public servants.

 

[GuyQLD]

I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the Tax Department.
It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied:

1 million illegal immigrants;
9000 crack heads;
2 million unemployed people on the Dole,
20000 people in over 43 prisons;
Half of New Zealand;
and 535 persons in the House and Senate.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

I love the smell of misinformation in the morning.

a few hundred thousand public servants.

This too.