Continuing Jokes Thread

[raven19]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her **** are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried

 

[JestersDarts]

I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his homemade wine under the stairs. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.

I then opened the third bottle and poured it too down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

 

[raven19]

More Paddy Gold...

Paddy comes across a mass baptism at a river. He walks into the river n stands next to the preacher "R u ready to find Jesus my son?".. Paddy says "I am sir"

Preacher puts him under the water then says "Hav u found Jesus?".. "No sir".. He puts him under for longer.. "Hav u found Jesus?".. "No sir"..

He

puts him under for 2 minutes!! "Hav u found Jesus?".. Paddy says "R U ****** sure this is where he fell in?!!!!

 

[raven19]

A young ventriloquist is doing the New Jersey night club scene.


With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb, blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the beautiful blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap!"

 

[raven19]

An elderly couple are attending church services.

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think

I should do?"

He scribbles back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid".

 

[michael_aussie]

MY FAV JOKE


Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.


Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.



He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a
month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.



After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.



'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'




'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks Thank you.'



As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'



'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.



Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.


'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'



'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..


I'll be there. Thanks again.'



'More'n likely be some wild ***, too,'



'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'






'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

 

[raven19]

ENGINEERING JOKE



Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.



Pascal is nowhere to be seen.



Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.



Einstein says "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"



Newton says "No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter.

You've found Pascal!"

 

[michael_aussie]

Read the first 2 posts.

http://www.jeepforum.com/forum/f11/96-jeep...inions-1149721/

The guy who repled is a champ!!!

 

[Leigh]

Read the first 2 posts.

http://www.jeepforum.com/forum/f11/96-jeep...inions-1149721/

The guy who repled is a champ!!!

lmao...just sent it to the gf lol

 

[raven19]

Better than a Flu Shot!



Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.



She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.



One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.



She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.



As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,



the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.



The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!



When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.



The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.




'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.




'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

 

[raven19]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!


Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young bloke carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' he says. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said.'I haven't got any dough! 'I'm broke!' and
proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash the young bloke wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
'Don't be too hasty!' he says. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse **** onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite mate because they cut off my electricity this morning......What part of 'broke' don't you understand?'

 

[michael_aussie]

Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be ***
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

Marriage (Part II)


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'


************ ********* ********* ********* **
Marriage (Part III)


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'



************ ********* ********* ********* **

Marriage (Part IV)


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party.
The man decides that it IS time to go home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shout s right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'


************ ********* ********* ********* **

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 A M.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was abou! t to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

[schooey]

ENGINEERING JOKE



Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.



Pascal is nowhere to be seen.



Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.



Einstein says "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"



Newton says "No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter.

You've found Pascal!"

Hahahahahahaha....

It's an Engineers thing I guess

 

[raven19]

NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER"



Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me,

Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.



Randier than a sailor who's been six months at sea,

Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee.



First let's take the paceman, pure speed from first to last!

My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.



Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way;

He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day !



And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap.

If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap !



Then there's the wily 'slowy', pure cunning is his strength;

He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.



So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree.

Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.



And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease !

He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.



The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes.

When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes..



And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two;

When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.



Then there's the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about;

And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out !



We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,

He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock.



So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me:

Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.



And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he's full of flair and dash;

And if you raise your heel, he'll whip them off in a flash.



If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score;

Or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before !



The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke,

He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.



Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup;

You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up !



So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me:

!!!! NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE !!!!!

 

[Ducatiboy stu]

The difference between a mining company and the priesthood

one puts miners in a shaft, the other puts shafts in minors

 

[michael_aussie]

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow
B) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy.
"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know
it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

 

[googe]

Theres 2 snakes slithering through the grass, one says to the other; are we poisonous? i dunno says his mate why? I just bit my tounge.

 

[raven19]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to aXmas fancy dress party.He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his woodenleg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain hisproblem. A few days later he receives a parcel with anote:
Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spottedhandkerchief will cover your bald head and with your woodenleg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man isoffended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so hewrites a letter of complaint.. A week passes and hereceives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed amonk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg andwith your bald head you will really look the part. The manis really incandescent with rage now, because the companyhas gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawingattention to his bald head. So he writes a really strongletter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very smallparcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your baldhead, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arseand go as a toffee apple.

 

[raven19]

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room, taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne , when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his bum!
If you don't mind my asking said the second, 'That cork looks uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'

'I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck in my bum.'

'I do not understand,' said the other.
The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street , and tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke and a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire, with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.
He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish...'

I said, 'No ****?!

 

[raven19]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway
when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....
It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and
drives on without second thought.....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are
for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into
the drive... On the far side of the parking lot is a
stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the! Bell . The
door is answered by a nun in a long black
habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway
and was interested in possibly doing business.....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led
through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells
the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding
a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please
place $100 in the cup then go through the large
wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall
and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the
parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE
SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER