Continuing Jokes Thread

[dcx3]

No doubt youve heard this one

How much coke has Charlie Sheen done?

Enough to kill two and a half men! Boom Boom

 

[JestersDarts]

Bath Night



A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked:

"Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!

LOL!!

Darts.

Classic.

 

[haysie]

COLLINGWOOD FLOOD VICTIMS NEED ASSISTANCE - PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY.
>
> Torrential rain hit Collingwood in the early hours of last night.
>
> Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, flannies soaked, woollen trackies sagging, muttering 'Faaackinell'.
>
> Flood waters devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage.
>
> Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.
>
> The Collingwood Herald reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Yarra Blvd.
>
> One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter Chardonnay-Mercedes came running in to my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all.'
>
> Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
>
> The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from Kmart and Bone China from Big W.
>
> HOW CAN YOU HELP?
>
> This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette Shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white) white sport socks, Ugg boots and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.
>
> Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
>
> Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked Beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.
>
> Donations of $ 25.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.


its all in fun n taking the piss out of collingwood.

 

[michael_aussie]

http://www.break.com/index/funny-beer-comm...ist-ending.html

 

[marksfish]

COLLINGWOOD FLOOD VICTIMS NEED ASSISTANCE - PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY.
>
> Torrential rain hit Collingwood in the early hours of last night.
>
> Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, flannies soaked, woollen trackies sagging, muttering 'Faaackinell'.
>
> Flood waters devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage.
>
> Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.
>
> The Collingwood Herald reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Yarra Blvd.
>
> One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter Chardonnay-Mercedes came running in to my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all.'
>
> Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
>
> The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from Kmart and Bone China from Big W.
>
> HOW CAN YOU HELP?
>
> This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette Shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white) white sport socks, Ugg boots and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.
>
> Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
>
> Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked Beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.
>
> Donations of $ 25.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.


its all in fun n taking the piss out of collingwood.

i will donate some used dentures

 

[bconnery]

COLLINGWOOD FLOOD VICTIMS NEED ASSISTANCE - PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY.
>
> Torrential rain hit Collingwood in the early hours of last night.
>
> Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, flannies soaked, woollen trackies sagging, muttering 'Faaackinell'.
>
> Flood waters devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage.
>
> Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.
>
> The Collingwood Herald reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Yarra Blvd.
>
> One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter Chardonnay-Mercedes came running in to my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all.'
>
> Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
>
> The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from Kmart and Bone China from Big W.
>
> HOW CAN YOU HELP?
>
> This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette Shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white) white sport socks, Ugg boots and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.
>
> Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
>
> Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked Beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.
>
> Donations of $ 25.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.


its all in fun n taking the piss out of collingwood.

Who cares as long as our premeriership cup is alright.
Go Pies!

Didn't I see this email recently in relation to Port Adelaide or somewhere similar? Bogans are everywhere I guess

 

[shaunbrew]

GUTS OR BALLS.........
There is a medical distinction. we have all heard about people having guts or balls, but do youreally kn ow the difference between them???
in an effort to keep you informed the definitions are listed below:

GUTS~ is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife holding a broom, and having the guts to ask" are you still cleaning, or are you flying away somewhere??"

BALLS~ is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar :beerbang: :beerbang: , slapping your wife on the ass and saying "YOUR NEXT FATTY."

 

[raven19]

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me"

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
bloody thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---


Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging
about!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always
fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be
in the bloody boat.

 

[raven19]

(not) My Daughter

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my stereo, phone, makeup and jewellery to Vinnies. Take my front door key and throw me out of the house".

Well she didn't actually put it like that... she said... "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

 

[raven19]

> A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
>
> The first little boy says, "Alligator."
> "Very good, that's a big word."
>
> The second boy says, "Predator."
> "Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
>
> Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
> After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
> "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
> "Well my sister has one and she says it eats f*cking batteries like there's no tomorrow!

 

[raven19]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

 

[warra48]

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace sit listening to the instructor.
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other".
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom, smiling but looking a little nervous, leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-raising, isn't it?"

 

[raven19]

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and Welcome the new guy to the region.
He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running Around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese Customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to Knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man Urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, He sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and Then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man
And says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around The yard after hens The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you
have Your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about **** on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says,
'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''

What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs..

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'man at travel agent say to become true Australian,
I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-****.'

 

[raven19]

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.


She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

 

[raven19]

BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.


After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.



She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.



'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.


They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.



'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...

No more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.



When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!...

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.



She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook... you can f%ck off !!

 

[raven19]

from Jimmy Fallon...referring to Prince William's bachelor party:


"It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's g-string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

 

[_HOME_BREW_WALLACE_]

Confucious Says:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil in tent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS NO SAY. . .

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but Tiger Wood.

 

[argon]

Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

 

[raven19]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in
favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that
even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced
before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked
the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the
husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel
quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain
to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband
had experienced none.
She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman unconscious on the porch.

 

[raven19]

Man said to wife "All right you sexy thing, bedroom now."

She looked at him and said, "Ooh, you kinky *******."



He said, "No, seriously, the footys about to start, piss off!