Continuing Jokes Thread

[Maple]

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they
didn't have a bath but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following
Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

 

[brettprevans]

warning - bad joke disclaimer.


I got fired on the first day of my job working in a soup kitchen for the homeless, but I cant understadn why.
at the end of the day the people were taking so long and I really wanted to go. all i said is that they could hurry up as a some of us have homes to go to.....


4 blokes in a prison cell. a guy into beastiality, a sadist, a necrophiliac and a gay
the beastilality guys says "if there was a cat in here I'd f*k the shit out of it"
the sadist says "once your done id torture it to death"
the necrophiliac sighs" oh and once your done, i'd f*k it until i passed out"
the gay guys in the corner very softly says "meow"

 

[raven19]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "and do you men know Jesus Christ?"

they shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down

'why'? The worker yelled back,

"Cos his wife's here with his lunch" ​

 

[raven19]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...



Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning

she told her husband that she had slept over at a

friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best

friends. None of them knew anything about it.



Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he

told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's

house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

 

[raven19]

POOR KID

An Arab's royal son goes to Germany to study. A month later, he sends a
letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like
it here, but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive at school in my Mercedes SLR McLaren,
when all my teachers travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar
cheque saying: "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too !"

 

[warra48]

Gidday dingos, Kia Ora you fullahs!
Three Aussies and three Kiwis are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Kiwis. "Watch and learn, mate," answers one of the Aussies.

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, the Kiwis buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Kiwi.

"Watch and learn, mate." answers an Aussie.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three Kiwis cram into another nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

 

[raven19]

The Shredder

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson:
Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

 

[Zwickel]

An American in Aussieland:

An Aussie bloke was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when the American, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Aussie politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"
The Aussie frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "of course, mate!"

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia ."

The American had a smirk on his face. The Aussie listened in silence.
The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Aussie replied, "yeah mate, of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and
sell it to Australia."

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said "Why of course we do." The Aussie leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"'We throw them away, of course!" said the American.

Now it was the Aussie's turn to smile.

"We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"

 

[Maple]

NSFW - almost though.

 

[Ivan Other One]

There was a very drunk bloke staggering home. He took a short cut through a chicken farm and fell into the feed trough, and was pecked almost to death.
He thought he was ten foot tall and poulet proof!

 

[raven19]

Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

​

An elderly gentleman....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

​

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

​

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

​

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

​

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

​

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

​

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

​

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

​

One more. . ...!


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[Adamt]

A couple of weeks ago, Carl Williams' Dad dropped in to see his son.

After a brief chat, Mr Williams told Carl: "Jeez you're getting fatter and fatter!"

...

"An exercise bike wouldn't kill ya."

 

[JestersDarts]

Q. Whats the difference between a normal themometer and a rectal thermometer?

A. The taste

 

[raven19]

Melbourne Storm... so it begins

Q. What's the difference between the Storm and a triangle?
A. A triangle has three points


Q. What has twenty-six legs but can't climb a ladder?
A. Melbourne Storm!

For sale: 1 x Storm outfit - boots, shorts, shirt. Doesnt include a cap!

Have you heard of the newest Melbourne Storm Masterchef challenge?... how to cook the books...

"Mum used to give me my lunch in a brown paper bag, so I didn't think it was an issue when I got my salary in one?" Billy Slater.

 

[raven19]

SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT DURING THE STORM



Q. What's the difference between Melbourne Storm and a toothpick?

A. A toothpick has 2 points



"Forecast for NRL Season. Fine and Sunny with no chance of Storm."



A Melbourne supporter phones the Storm Head Office. " What merchandise have you got?"

Salesperson says, "We've got jerseys, shirts, shorts and scarfs but we havn't had a Cap for 5 years."



"Just bought a Melbourne Storm Dinner Set and it's missing two cups."



Cam Smith, "Craig, how the hell are we supposed to go out and play competively each week knowing we won't get the two points."

Craig Bellamy, "I don't know, I'll speak to Ricky Stuart and Ivan Henjak."



Q. What's the difference between Melbourne Storm and Jake Gyllenhaal from Brokeback Mountain?

A. No difference - they've both been fkd up the **** by a Ledger.



Former Storm CEO and now sacked Melbourne Rebels Rugby Union boss, Wally Waldron will make a guest appearance on Masterchef next week to cook the books.



David Gallop hit the Storm harder than Greg Inglis hit his girlfriend.



Channel Nine have just announced their next crime series. Underbellamy - the tale of two books.

 

[raven19]

TWO MEDICAL STUDENTS AND THE OLD MAN


Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki

Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you

Might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart........ .............. But I was wrong, too!"

 

[Ivan Other One]

Q; What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl?
A; You can drop her off wherever you like.

 

[raven19]

Okay all you English grammar teachers time to groan!

For lovers of words (Lexophiles)

1. A bicycle cannot stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. A calendar's days are numbered.

16. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

17. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

18. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

19. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

20. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

21. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

22. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

24. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

25. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

26. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

27. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

28. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

29. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

30. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

31. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

32. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

33. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

34. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

35. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

36. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

37. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

38. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

39. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

40. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

 

[raven19]

The Polite way to Pee



During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, that would be rude and impolite.



What about you Sherman, how would you say it?

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'



'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.



Little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'



'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'





The teacher fainted.

 

[raven19]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Centrelink Offices.


'My good man,' the fairy said,

'I've been told by Kevin Rudd to grant you three wishes, since youve just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children all costs to be borne by the Australian Tax Payers.'



The man told the fairy:
'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and
-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.



The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.

'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms and a Gold Visa Card in each room -for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka . I want to bring them all over here.

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl , and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'



PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Wheres my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said
'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian,
you're entitled to
sweet FA like the rest of us.

And she disappeared.