Continuing Jokes Thread

[raven19]

Only an Aussie

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to p!ss in the boat."

 

[raven19]

The Power of Alcohol.


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,




*





*



" He should've quit while he was a head!"

 

[MarkBastard]

HAhahahahahaha thats gold

 

[petesbrew]

I just love scrolling down for the punchline.
It just makes the joke so much more awesome.

 

[JestersDarts]

I just love scrolling down for the punchline.
It just makes the joke so much more awesome.

Like when after the punchlines of jokes, there is something along the lines of

"the husband returns from hospital next week"
"The husband gets his stitches out in a month"
"She remained speechless for 10 minutes"
"the husband fainted"

*cringe*

 

[petesbrew]

Like when after the punchlines of jokes, there is something along the lines of

"the husband returns from hospital next week"
"The husband gets his stitches out in a month"
"She remained speechless for 10 minutes"
"the husband fainted"

*cringe*

or

"and he died/got shot"
It just explains it all.

 

[JestersDarts]

or

"and he died/got shot"
It just explains it all.

All i can say - if someones fainting at the end - its a terrible joke to start with..

 

[antains]

I can tolerate the scroll. For me, when someone writes before the punchline, "wait for it," or, "this is gold," I want to block the sender.

 

[DKS]

I can tolerate the scroll. For me, when someone writes before the punchline, "wait for it," or, "this is gold," I want to block the sender.

I agree antains but it can can be so.. not funny that its funny thinking of the bloke who thought it was funny. (WTF) :blink:

Anyway I love ravens jokes I look forward to them all the time. Keep em coming Raven
Daz

 

[antains]

+1 for raven's jokes. Don't wish to be criticising that awesome effort.

I don't think he's a perpetrator of the "wait for it" approach anyway.

 

[needbeer]

Talking about Ravens ... Here is a poster explaining why it is important to be the boss.

 

[JestersDarts]

I can tolerate the scroll. For me, when someone writes before the punchline, "wait for it," or, "this is gold," I want to block the sender.

Hallelujah!! I thought I was the only one that this didn't sit right with.. have been thinking that the rest of the world was becoming that lame.. Good to k now there's others out there haha

 

[raven19]

Glad you like the jokes, I just cut and paste from emails I get from various mates.

Granted some are racist, crude and/or rude, but no offense is intended from my part.

More to post shortly...

 

[raven19]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"



"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

 

[raven19]

You Know You're in a Redneck Church ............


1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.

10 You Know You're in a Redneck Church if The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14.. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if.. "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".

God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!

 

[raven19]

Hardly politically correct, but ............



Holistic Medicine

Ahkmed the Arab came to Australia from the Middle East , and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: 'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'

The doctor said .... 'You were homesick'.

 

[raven19]

If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ***! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your *** and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in the1980's or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd

 

[raven19]

THREE BLONDES (NATURAL) DIED AND FOUND THEMSELVES STANDING BEFORE ST.PETER.
HE TOLD THEM THAT BEFORE THEY COULD ENTER THE KINGDOM, THEY HAD TO TELL HIM WHAT EASTER WAS.
THE FIRST BLONDE SAID, "EASTER IS A HOLIDAY WHERE THEY HAVE A BIG FEAST AND WE GIVE THANKS AND EAT TURKEY."
ST. PETER SAID, "NOOOOOO," AND HE BANISHED HER TO HELL.
THE SECOND BLONDE SAID, "EASTER IS WHEN WE CELEBRATE JESUS' BIRTH AND EXCHANGE GIFTS."
ST. PETER SAID, "NOOOOOO," AND HE BANISHED HER TO HELL.
THE THIRD BLONDE SAID, SHE KNEW WHAT EASTER IS, AND ST. PETER SAID, SO, TELL ME."
SHE SAID, "EASTER IS A CHRISTIAN HOLIDAY THAT COINCIDES WITH THE JEWISH FESTIVAL OF PASSOVER. JESUS WAS HAVING PASSOVER FEAST WITH HIS DISCIPLES WHEN HE WAS BETRAYED BY JUDAS, AND THE
ROMANS ARRESTED HIM. THE ROMANS HUNG HIM ON THE CROSS AND EVENTUALLY HE DIED. THEN THEY BURIED HIM IN A TOMB BEHIND A VERY LARGE BOULDER ..
ST. PETER SAID, "VERRRRRRY GOOD."
THEN THE BLONDE CONTINUED, "NOW EVERY YEAR THE JEWS ROLL AWAY THE BOULDER AND JESUS COMES OUT. IF HE SEES HIS SHADOW, WE HAVE SIX MORE WEEKS OF BASKETBALL."

ST. PETER FAINTED

 

[raven19]

GPS
Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.

Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?

Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.

Friend #1: What's a GPS override?

Friend #2: My wife.

 

[raven19]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HORSE AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled-up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... What happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."