Continuing Jokes Thread

[raven19]

Story of girlfriends ... and ageing

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

 

[petesbrew]

ST. PETER FAINTED

Argh, there' you go again Raven. <_<

Just taking the piss. Keep those jokes coming. :lol:

 

[Hazy]

I went to the Doctor and he told me I had to stop masturbating.
I asked "why" and he said
"because I'd like to examine you"

 

[antains]

I went to the Doctor and he told me I had to stop masturbating.
I asked "why" and he said
"because I'd like to examine you"

I thought, cool, a Tommy Cooper gag.
Then the punchline hit.
Oh no, I thought, that's not Tommy Cooper at all.
:lol:

 

[Hazy]

Is a brazillian heaps more than a billion ?

 

[antains]

Tommy Cooper Jokes

-

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said "You are."
-------------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

 

[raven19]

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "THE" seven dwarfs they get ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope,

"What can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers,

"No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope.

"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers,

"No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says,

"Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answers,

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks and all begin chanting:

"Dopey shagged a penguin!
Dopey shagged a penguin!"

 

[petesbrew]

The Pope Fainted.

Badoom Psht!!!

 

[petesbrew]

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

-------------

Little Johnny's teacher says, "Class, today we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, "Me, Miss Finch!"

Miss Finch turns towards the eager young lad, "All right, Little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable
word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate".

Miss Finch smiles and says, "Well, little Johnny, that sure is a mouthful!".

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Finch, you're thinking of a *******".

 

[raven19]

Political Correctness

Sometimes you are encouraged about our country's future when you see something like this. Specifically, there is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was

"Political Correctness."

The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

(This guy has nailed it.)

 

[raven19]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little *******.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer 100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

*** And the WINNER is... ***


FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition....200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!

 

[raven19]

So, I lost the pub quiz last night by 1 point.

The last question was where do most women have curly hair?

... Apparently ... the correct answer is Africa!

 

[warra48]

Stimulus Payments

Sometime this year, we Aussie taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment thanks to Ruddy Corp

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a High-Definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian Economy by Spending your stimulus cheque wisely:


* If you spend the stimulus money at K Mart, the money will Go to China or Sri Lanka .


* If you spend it on Petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to New Zealand, Fiji and Indonesia ..



* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .




* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .



* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in Australia by:


1) Spending it at Garage sales, or

2) Going to Football games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only Australian businesses still operating )



Conclusion:

Go to a Football game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a Garage sale and drink beer all day !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

 

[Hazy]

If someone finds it offensive that you are materbating in front of them, do yo

A.Stop and aplogise

B.Think bugger it, and keep going

or C. Move to another seat on the bus

 

[michael_aussie]

THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE


A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have ***?"


"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and
gets off at the next stop.


The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:

"I can tell you how to get to have *** with her!"


"Yeah?", says the hippie.


"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."


The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.


"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his
face. "Have *** with me."


The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal ***, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.


'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.


"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"


"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

 

[brettprevans]

Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure


Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
********* might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ***** on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

 

[raven19]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.



As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'



I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'



Eric grinned..... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?



'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'



So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T



I used to like Eric, the little *******

 

[raven19]

RUDDS SUPER MINING TAX EXPLAINED VIA THE "BEER ECONOMY" FOR THE AVERAGE JOE....

Have a read...

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this;

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1
The sixth would pay $3
The seventh would pay $7
The eighth would pay $12
The ninth would pay $18
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59

So, that's what they decided to do..

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with
the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to
reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men
would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So the first four men were unaffected.

They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33.
But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the
sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each
man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the
principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to
work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four
continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began
to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar
too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back,
when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get
anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine
sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to
pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have
enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is
how our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the
most benefit from a tax reduction..

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may
not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is
somewhat friendlier.

 

[Ivan Other One]

Where does Jessica Watson sail to, to have a gang bang????????
To the nearest pylon,,,,,,,,,

 

[michael_aussie]

Where does Jessica Watson sail to, to have a gang bang????????
To the nearest pylon,,,,,,,,,

I don't get it????