Continuing Jokes Thread

[DennisKing]

Whitney Houston's last film - The bodybag

 

[Malted]

Whitney Houston's last film - The bodybag

...tried listening to Whitney Houstons greatest hits but a bag of heroin and a rock of crack don't make much sound.

 

[raven19]

>A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian
Coast

>He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible
night

>wondering what could have happened to her.

>Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a

>couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

>The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some

>really bad news, but, some good news,
and maybe some more good news'.

>'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

>The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.

>Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little

>cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but

>she was dead.'

>The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a
turn.

>But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the

>good news is.

>The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few

>really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her,

>so we've brought you your share.'

>He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or

>five crabs in it.

>'Geez thanks.
They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and
all that...

>So what's the other possible good news?

>'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill

>here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over

>there and pull her up again

 

[raven19]

AN ACTUAL AD IN AN AMERICAN NEWS PAPER


AN ACTUAL PERSONALS AD


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.


Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.


I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.


First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ...45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!


I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].


After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!


I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]


I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ...... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.


Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target .


The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc..).


;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky .Have a good day!


Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

 

[raven19]

The Darwins Awards are out!!!!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.


3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.


4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.


5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit


6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...


8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."


9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]


10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

 

[raven19]

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging
your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you
yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards
because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50
million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for
their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going
to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got
pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year
I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you
going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick
says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police
station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy:
"We'll lie and say we only found two."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet
mine."

 

[raven19]

Blonde Mortician.

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . .. . . . ...

.
.
.

So I just switched the heads.'

 

[raven19]

Screams of Passion
The Italian fellow said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Irishman said: That's nothing!!!. Last night I massaged my wife ,you know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours ?....wow that's phenomenal !
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Irishman replied "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

 

[raven19]

More Blonde Humour

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through".
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"

 

[raven19]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

 

[raven19]

ANOTHER BLOND ONE.......

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under
the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold
to drink..

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,
'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under
that shady tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be
bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't
hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog
wants to have sex!'

(You gotta love this)



The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always
wanted a police dog.'

 

[freezkat]

There is a famous couple of Scandinavian decent from Starbuck Minnesota. If you run into a Yank ask him about Ole and Lina. Ole and Lina have friends named Sven and Tina. They are included often as well.


Ole and Lina are on a drive to go see the Sports Show (fishing, camping, boats, hunting expo) at the Minneapolis Convention Center. They stopped in a town just northeast of downtown to get gas. Amazingly they still had Full Service gas. Ole pulled in and the gas attendant approached. Ole rolls down the window...

Attendant: (leans to the open window) Fill 'er up Sir?

Linashe doesn't hear that well) Vhat he say?!

Ole: (turns to Lina and says loudly..) He said Fill 'er up (then turns back) Ja sure fill'er up.

Attendant: Sounds like you've been traveling a while. Where you folks from?

Lina: Vhat he say?!

Ole: (to Lina) He wants to know where we're comin' from.(to the attendant) Ja we're down from Starbuck. Goin' to da Sport Show.

Attendant: Starbuck,,,huh? I met a gal with the stinkiest crotch in the world from Starbuck

Lina: Vhat he say?!

Ole: He says he thinks he knows ja.

 

[michael_aussie]

Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing says:

"Have you got a tight, unshaven **** ?"

Woman: "Yes, he's watching telly - who shall I say is calling?"

 

[michael_aussie]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

 

[Ivan Other One]

They named him Dick!

 

[jyo]

This made me actually LOL.
Worst Album Covers

 

[raven19]

Shave and a Haircut

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

 

[raven19]

BIG PEOPLE WORDS

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on
NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana.'

'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo.'
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to
use 'Big People' words.'

She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book,' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'




Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and
said:
"Winnie the SHIT"

 

[raven19]

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night.
Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:

'Oh God! I'm coming!'

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."

The nun had to leave the room.

 

[michael_aussie]

I was listening to the local FM station this morning,
when the host invited callers to reveal
the nicknames they had for their wives.

Best call was from the chap who called his wife
Harvey Norman . . . "No interest for 18 months" . . .