Continuing Jokes Thread

[Bribie G]

To the Woods to the Woods (did the round in the 1960s)

Low lecherous voice alternating with high nervous voice:

To the woods to the woods
I'll tell the Vicar
I am the Vicar
To the woods to the woods


To the woods to the woods
Not the woods, not the woods, anything but the woods
Anything?
To the woods to the woods

To the woods to the woods
But I'm only 13
I'm not superstitious
To the woods to the woods

To the woods to the woods
My mother wouldn't like it
Your mother's not getting it
To the woods to the woods

To the woods to the woods
I'll tell the vicar
I am the vicar
I'll tell the bishop
He's behind that bush
To the woods to the woods

 

[Amber Fluid]

COPPER WIRE​

​

​

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the state's Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia , reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia's Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely stuff all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian doesn't it?
​

 

[Malted]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they discovered that pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing the ball point pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.

When confronted with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil.

 

[Ivan Other One]

Confucious Say, "70 minus one, = Dinner for Two"

 

[raven19]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The older one leaned over and said, ''Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!''
''You're on!'' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
''What happened?'' asked her waiting friend.
''I won $1000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'.

 

[Zizzle]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they discovered that pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing the ball point pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.

When confronted with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil.

Except that tiny fragments of conductive graphite in zero-G do not mix well with the electronics keeping you alive.

 

[Airgead]

Except that tiny fragments of conductive graphite in zero-G do not mix well with the electronics keeping you alive.

Actually, both NASA and the soviets used pencils to start with.

A company called Fisher had already taken it upon themselves to develop a space pen for NASA. It took less than a year (delivered in 1965) and both NASA and the soviets switched to that pen when it was available. They cost NASA a grand total of $2.95 each.

After the Apollo 1 fire which killed 3 astronauts, NASA decided that they needed a writing implement that would not burn in a 100% oxygen atmosphere. Graphite in fine powder is prone to self ignite under those conditions (though that wasn't the cause of the fire). So they switched exclusively to the Fisher space pen after that. The Soviets did as well (1968 actually). They have been used on every space flight since then.

Yes.. spot the space buff here...

More info here - http://www.snopes.com/business/genius/spacepen.asp

 

[needbeer]

Women dropping out of the NASA program

 

[michael_aussie]

Actually, both NASA and the soviets used pencils to start with.

A company called Fisher had already taken it upon themselves to develop a space pen for NASA. It took less than a year (delivered in 1965) and both NASA and the soviets switched to that pen when it was available. They cost NASA a grand total of $2.95 each.

After the Apollo 1 fire which killed 3 astronauts, NASA decided that they needed a writing implement that would not burn in a 100% oxygen atmosphere. Graphite in fine powder is prone to self ignite under those conditions (though that wasn't the cause of the fire). So they switched exclusively to the Fisher space pen after that. The Soviets did as well (1968 actually). They have been used on every space flight since then.

Yes.. spot the space buff here...

More info here - http://www.snopes.com/business/genius/spacepen.asp

ty Airgead ... i love the nerdy details

 

[Ivan Other One]

A recent survey was conducted into why men like ********,

10% like the feeling,

12% like the dominance.


The other 78% like the Freakin silence.

 

[Tony M]

The last time I logged on, this thread was up to page 26. It's a great thread to read as it doesn't degenerate into stupid inane bickering by about the tenth post.
Keep up the good work jokers.

 

[mikec]

The last time I logged on, this thread was up to page 26. It's a great thread to read as it doesn't degenerate into stupid inane bickering by about the tenth post.
Keep up the good work jokers.

I don't get it.

 

[punkin]

I was sitting on the train this morning across from this really pretty Thai girl.

I kept thinking to myself "Please don't get an erection." "Please don't get an erection!"



But she did.

 

[raven19]

Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the 500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, and I fart 35 times a day!!'

 

[Maple]

still.... laughing...

 

[winkle]

still.... laughing...

Thats Toronto for you...
Classic headline

 

[punkin]

 

[dougsbrew]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".

 

[mikec]

still.... laughing...

Ok, where do I join the line?

 

[emnpaul]

How many flavours of chapstick does Elton John own?

One. Chaps dicks only come in man seed.